To comment on my daughter's dress sense

[mids2019]

We have a 14 year old daughter and like all 14 year olds she wishes wishes to experiment with styles of clothing. Lately she has been choosing dresses which are rather short and cleave fairly closely to her figure. (Including a small amount of cleavage) as well as crop tops.

I am conflicted on whether the dress style is appropriate for all occasions, especially when some of her friends share the same dress sense.

Do you think criticising or making girls think about their dress sense and what people's perceptions (rightly or wrongly ) is reasonable or so we leave a fair amount latitude toward teen girls (all girls push boundaries to an extent)

What age is DD, because calling anyone over 11 'still a child' is not very kind or realistic?
Also, what are you trying to achieve by saying someone is dressed 'like a streetwalker' exactly? Dress and behaviour don't always go together, in fact they often don't.
Also, I feel like you have a 'Pretty Woman' view of what prostitutes actually wear - it's cold and miserable out on the streets, and many of them are known as prostitutes for where they stand as opposed to how they dress! Strippers perhaps wear the more revealing clothes, but then we know our children aren't strippers because they don't work in strip clubs (and if anyone's daughter does happen to be a stripper, that's not a judgement, just a comment on how the average teenager clearly isn't a stripper).
Stop shaming choices.

I do intervene gently as I think that some of the clothes the tweens round here want to wear do send a certain message to certain people, and they are not mature enough to understand this.

I mainly go for “don’t flash your pants” 😂 luckily the wee shorts under skirts, or skorts also seem popular.

What 'message' do they send exactly?

Like it or not the dresses the girls want to wear here are dresses for adults.

Are they?

And the message is that they are adult women.

Physically they may look like adults. But emotionally and psychologically they are not. They shouldn’t feel the need to conform to a media idea of “sexy” or “cute”

Lol at anyone over the age of 11 is not a child!! Ludicrous nonsense and I can only assume you don't have children.

I do not have a liberal parenting style in any way, shape or form. If youre living in my house and im supporting you, you need to listen to me. Doesn't matter what age you are.

DD is 17 at present and because of my comments when she was younger, she thankfully knows what is appropriate to wear.

I will "shame" whatever choices need shaming tbh.

@Arrestedmanevolence when my DD was in school all the girls tended to wear their gym skorts under their skirts as they had to sit on the floor for assembly cross legged. It was a known thing (this is primary) that boys would look if they had a chance. Now she's 18 and when she wears a short skirt she wears cycling shorts underneath (and always tights).
I'd be amazed if any girl 12 or over isn't fully aware of the way they dress and how people view it.

I have a child.
I don't see shaming as a good way of parenting.

How do people 'view' it though? Isn't that the issue of those 'viewing' it and not those wearing it?

Teenage girls have always wanted to feel 'cute' and/or 'sexy'.
Primary school girls are starting to want to do this now too, but that's partly because girls seem to be maturing earlier than before, on average.

I don't think letting a 14 year old wear whatever they want, no matter how revealing or inappropriate, is any sort of parenting whatsoever. In fact, I think it's neglect.

Ah well, you are entitled to your view.

@OldTinHat Sorry but I think laughing at someone being indignant at being catcalled is awful behaviour. No matter how someone is dressed it’s never right to harass them and make them feel scared and uncomfortable. Why on other didn’t your parents support her and tell her the behaviour of those men were vile. I feel very sorry for your poor dsis

Sounds like the majority of teenage girl outfits. Just smile and nod

I think physically looking like a woman is actually more of a protection than a short skirt.

A lot of males are interested in underage girls and always have been.

I went to an RC girls school with a distinctive uniform compared to the other schools in the area. It was like wearing a sign that said you were up for anything and it was always from older men.

With the exception of anything short enough to show underwear my DD wears what she wants to. She looks lovely and ultimately it's her body.

I refuse to tell my DD that she should base her personal choices around other people's opinions or behaviour. She knows what those opinions or behaviours are likely to be but we should be challenging that, not moderating our DC to mitigate for it.

Well said.

It’s not. I’d say they are less mature. This look is based on TikTok influencers and shows like Love Island

Leave her to it! Unless she’s at a funeral or going to school like that- she’ll grow out of it.
my son looks like some scruffy, road man at the moment. He’ll grow out of it! He won’t wear a coat - fine, then he gets cold and wet.
If we’re going to somewhere ‘nice’ like out for dinner at a proper restaurant he has to wear ‘not joggers’ and ‘not a tshirt’ and shoes that aren’t muddy.
mother than that - leave them to it.

I’m the mum of a boy, but I’ve noted the 13,14,15 are the ages when these outfits appeal to girls. Later on they change. 2 of our neighbours, now in the sixth form have gone from wearing skin tight dresses etc. to very baggy jeans and oversized hoodies

This. I talk to both children, boy and girl, about what people might think based on their clothes ( DS was outraged that the security guard followed him round in a shop!) but that’s about it.
I refuse to police my daughter’s body.

How teenagers and pre-teens dress is influenced by a whole plethora of things.

‘A lot of males are interested in underage girls and always have been.

I went to an RC girls school with a distinctive uniform compared to the other schools in the area. It was like wearing a sign that said you were up for anything and it was always from older men.’

same. My uniform hadn’t changed much from the 1940s- the skirt was well below the knee, shirt, tie, jumper, woollen blazer, tights - nothing showing other than face and hands and we got endless comments and cat calls from men

In no world has a 14yo finding her own style ever listened to what she probably perceives to be an ‘ancient’ woman, ever agreed when she’s told that she should be wearing something more modest.

I have decided that with my own DD, my main (probably my only) priority with her now is to boost her self esteem. Being a young person today is tough, far tougher than it was for us. So much to navigate - school, friendships, bitchy mates, frenemies, boys, heartbreak, changes in her body. All girls will go through all/most of this - there’s no avoiding that. I figure that it’s much easier to go through all this with high self esteem, and it’s my job to support that even if I end up saying things that I don’t mean. Like “that outfit looks fantastic on you” when I really want to say “Black again? Must everything be black. Try just a tiny bit of colour”.