To comment on my daughter's dress sense

[mids2019]

We have a 14 year old daughter and like all 14 year olds she wishes wishes to experiment with styles of clothing. Lately she has been choosing dresses which are rather short and cleave fairly closely to her figure. (Including a small amount of cleavage) as well as crop tops.

I am conflicted on whether the dress style is appropriate for all occasions, especially when some of her friends share the same dress sense.

Do you think criticising or making girls think about their dress sense and what people's perceptions (rightly or wrongly ) is reasonable or so we leave a fair amount latitude toward teen girls (all girls push boundaries to an extent)

I wore crop tops in the 90s.

Back when I was worth looking at. I once wore super tight jeans and a baggy long line cardigan woth a scoop neck and the bottom half unbuttoned. A pair of late middle aged lafies huffed and puffed at me but the gentlemen were awfully accommodating, despite everything that needed to be hidden remaining so.

At 14 your DD is finding her style and needs you to support her choices. I also feel that she doesn't carry the burden of the male gaze. That responsibility lies with the viewer, not the viewed.

i stop my daughter wearing clothes I’m not comfortable with. She can make her own choices when she’s 18 but right now I don’t want her dressing like she’s going to a nightclub. I don’t overthink it. I’m tired of being told that maintaining any kind of public decency is basically the patriarchy

Wow thanks for the messages and at least I can say it's not only me!

Someone asked if I was from a particular culture and I would say white non practising Christian British if that makes sense. Older members of the family are but more conservative now and it's interesting to see them having a more critical eye on female dress sense when they were children of the 60s.

The responses are really useful and I think they echo the splits I have in my own head.

@Duchessofmuchness
seems great advice

@waftabout
maybe safety was a bit strong but I taking in points about there being some very strange men out there?

I think some of the dress sense is partially due to peer pressure. She does look like a lot of the girls she hangs out with.

What do you all do about purchasing of clothes? Do you give them a logging budget and send them into shops to buy whatever or do you still but for them? Would you go round a shop and say 'yes' or 'no' prior to purchase?

Looking forward to the end of this parenting stage. Also it’s cultural dds best friends mums American and Brazilian they see absolutely nothing wrong with skimpy clothes and would be horrified by the more pro shaming comments

I personally go for the outfit to fit the occasion, so I wouldn't really find myself having to say no to any item in a shop.
So if she wants a tiny boob tube, that's fine with me as long as she wears it at party or something, not at school.
She can have a skimpy bikini but she knows that if she wants to do more physical exercise, proper swimming, beach volley etc, then she should choose to wear a more supportive one for example.

The only times where I 've felt the need to impose my views, and to be honest this was when she was a pre teen really, was stuff like no long walks in flip flops and

And remembering to cover shoulders to protect from sunburn. We live abroad.

My daughter is 15 and doesn't wear dresses but she's a skater and she lives and dies in these tiny tight fitting short sets. She loves them and I'm glad she's happy and confident enough to wear them. I hate the looks that adult men give her but that's a very separate problem to her clothing choices.

When she was a younger teen we'd go shopping together and I'd say yay or nay depending. If she'd seen something online, sometimes I'd say no straight off the picture. Other times I'd say she could buy it but I wasn't keen so it'd depend what it looked like on.

Now she's 17 I don't have as much to do with the clothing choices obviously. She's just had a top delivered as she's off out 2n and altho I still feel it's "a bit much for my liking", she's wearing it with trousers which I'm more comfortable with.

I've always said cleavage or legs, not both and she seems to operate on that basis herself now.

Crop tops look absolutely lovely. I'm not a fan of too short skirts and would possibly mention in a tactful way if I felt it was completely obscene. I would also ask for a compromise with a school skirt. I hate when they roll them over at the top. So, for example, you can buy a petite version of the school branded skirt and I would suggest my daughter wear that as it's important to follow school rules. I remember how frumpy and horrible I felt in the long school skirts. Nothing wrong with a shorter, but appropriate length.

Having said all that, I wholeheartedly agree with others who have said to tell her she looks beautiful and gorgeous and not criticise. It's developmentally pretty normal for teen girls to wear skimpy clothing. It just is. It's a phase of experimentation.

I will never forget my grandma shaming me at the dinner table in front of lots of family when I was about 16. I was wearing a vest top, in the summer, with jeans and she made some comment about how I had no clothes on. I was attractive and had skin showing and I was literally shamed for it. Shamed because I had larger than average boobs on a slender frame. You never forget comments like that. Women should be supporting the younger females in their family not berating them.

It's worthwhile looking at why it triggers you. My grandmother had a weight problem her whole life and I can only think that the reason for the comment really was some kind of jealousy. It was otherwise uncalled for. I made her feel uncomfortable by wearing a fitted vest top. I just never want my daughter to experience that, ever. I want her to go through the teen years free from criticism whilst she finds her style.

@greasypolemonkeyman

to some extent that maybe where were heading but my daughter is younger than yours. I really don't know .....

@chocolaterevs

Thanks. Good post.

Yes there are some very strange men around but I'm still not clear what difference her clothes make?

Think it through with us, what will her clothes make a man do?

I dont have teenage girls but i’d say crop tops and mini skirts/dresses have been around for decades. But having your underwear on display is not a good look at any age. I think as long as your daughter can see the line between wearing a short dress because she likes the style/its fashionable and walking around showing her bum cheeks, I think its ok.

With regard to the marketing the middle are over 18 in online clothes stores so I do feel to an extent I could be buying clothes marketed at adults for a child given physically in some cases there may not be a huge difference depending on age.

I think this is where I am getting the idea of allowing more 'risque' clothes with age and maturity?

@waftabout

in reality not a lot...

I do take the point made above that a mother (or father) knows how a man is looking at their daughter though.....could be a bit uuurgh

So then it's not about the clothes they wear.

Otherwise you are buying into the idea that women are responsible for men's thoughts and actions.

Is it ok for a police officer or solicitor to ask a woman what she was wearing when she was raped? Of course it's fucking not and she'd be equally at risk in a fucking rain coat.

Sometimes we need to sit with our thoughts and consider where they're coming from.

@waftabout

fair enough

I know you didn't ask me, but my DD had very much the "body of a woman" from age 13 (28F bust). I did not want her dressed in a way that made her appear older than her years because that could invite attention that she did not know how to deal with.

I had red lines - no crop tops, no skirts that were so short underwear showed / put shorts underneath if fairly short, shorts shouldn't be cut so short and so on. Mine did toe the line and understood about appropriate for situations.

I don't think the clothing protects her from somewhere actually wants to attack her. But wearing sexy clothing will result in more staring etc. The reason for wanting to wear these skimpy clothes is precisely because they attract attention. It's just that teenagers don't understand that the wrong kind of attention isn't a good thing.

Also there's decency. Would you let your teenager go out completely naked? The line has to be drawn somewhere.

And also look for documentaries on sweatshops and fast fashion, there was one years ago, the one Stacey Dooley got her first break into TV that's teen friendly, I showed this to mine when they started buying poor quality throwaway clothing, they now stick to sustainable longer lasting clothing as young adults

I agree don't say anything unless it's not weather appropriate and be sure to compliment her on things that she clearly looks and feels good in.

I think it's important to remember that everyone has a different boundary when it comes to things like cleavage, skirt length, amount of skin on show etc. I would say I dress reasonably modestly and my mum would disagree and will see anything without a high neckline and nothing above the knee as immodest.

Your dd is allowed to decide what she feels safe, confident and comfortable with. It's also important to realise that clothing doesn't make your dd unsafe. Men do that. And the vast majority of the time men who are harmful to women are known to the woman and its nothing to do with clothing.

This old chestnut has been around for decades.
Tell your daughter to check in a full size mirror as that will give the truest view of what she is wearing. Then leave her alone. She's experimenting like the generations before.
If you feel that her dress style is attracting unwanted looks.then teach her how to deal with those men/boys.
I'm not sure this was you OP or another poster,but if you really fear for her safety then enroll her in some self defence lessons.
A pair of breasts whether in a crop top or in a demure shirt can still be oggled at by jerks. Teach her the life skills to handle this .
Assaults and rapes are not necessarily due to what the victim is wearing.they are crimes of violence.
Why would a little old lady out doing her shopping wearing her jumper and trousers be raped .because it's driven by hate,and power. Not because the rapist is turned on by clothing.
Being aware of the dangers out there is important for everyone.regardless of what they are wearing. Let her wear what she wants without criticism.crop tops were made for the young.let her enjoy them.