To comment on my daughter's dress sense

[mids2019]

We have a 14 year old daughter and like all 14 year olds she wishes wishes to experiment with styles of clothing. Lately she has been choosing dresses which are rather short and cleave fairly closely to her figure. (Including a small amount of cleavage) as well as crop tops.

I am conflicted on whether the dress style is appropriate for all occasions, especially when some of her friends share the same dress sense.

Do you think criticising or making girls think about their dress sense and what people's perceptions (rightly or wrongly ) is reasonable or so we leave a fair amount latitude toward teen girls (all girls push boundaries to an extent)

I wouldn't unless you're prepared to say something in a joking way like 'I think you should roll that skirt up just one more time' which brings attention to the fact the skirt is so short it's no longer flattering without shaming her.

I think that teenagers need to make informed choices about their clothes and know why adults worry about this stuff. It is unfair not to tell teenagers that people make judgements about clothes but I would talk about it in a general sense rather than specifically about the clothes they are wearing.

It’s not individual dress sense, it’s social and economic pressure on girls to wear certain things, from a young age, that boys aren’t subjected to and don’t wear.

My mum always just said I looked great.

Picked up DC from a 13th birthday party last week: 90% of the 12/13 year old girls were wearing revealing clothing. Boys all T shirts or shirts and jeans.

Ain’t that the truth loopy.

My 14 year old just sent me a video of her two favourite singers doing a duet.

Noah Kahan is wearing baggy chinos and a baggy shirt. Olivia Rodrigo is wearing a bra and big pants 🙄🙄🙄

@Dacadactyl

there is a bit of that in my thinking. We shouldn't have to think like that but it does cross my mind. However @waftabout has very good points.

This was me as a teenager! Happy to say I no longer dress like this, luckily for everyone.

I think with a teenager there is a degree of compromise, so:

• She is expected to obey dress code rules at school, even if she disagrees with them.
• Safe places, like outings with family, family parties and days out etc. don't say anything. She's experimenting with her style in a safe environment.
• Out and about in less supervised environments, I would definitely be having that conversation. Especially if she looks older than she is.

@Whatifthehokeycokey

I think its the third point. My lovely daughter says she does not want to see her mates in town dressed like a nun whatever that means. It seems to be the 'fool's thing to do to wear fairly skimpy garments (depending on perspective).

I think on the whole I'd let her experiment and try not to criticise, as long as the clothes are appropriate for the occasion! It's hard seeing your daughter looking so grown up and knowing the kind of male attention it will inevitably draw. My friend was on holiday with her beautiful (and voluptuous!) daughter and saw grown men ogling her walking up the beach in her bikini - she dealt with it by yelling at them "She's 14 you pervert!!!" which made them look away quickly 😂

Just for context, these are the types of dresses a just 12 year old wants to wear. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say no, and to reach a compromise

The one on the right would be favourable to the one on the left, imho.

We went strappy and short but no cut outs. And sleeves and short with tights for the funeral. No rows.

I'm interested in what people saying women should wear what they want and just to tell them they look great would say (or not) if their 13/14 year old went out like this

My DD now 25 has bin bags full of skimpy clothes in the garage that she wore at 18 - needless to say she wouldn’t give them a second glance now - infact she seems to have gone the other way for the oversized look!

🙄

Lots of the teenage girls in our area love strappy, sometimes tiny, tops but I've yet to see one with their n*les intentionally on display like that.

I think rules for family occasions are fine. I think she's put of line calling male teachers badlscially perverts for informing school uniform skirt length

I think you need a conversation around, body confidence, how people view us in our clothes and staying safe. She should dress how she feels (within limits ob) but making it clear it shouldn't be for other people (boys)

Whay sort of things are you having a problem with @mids2019 ? Can you share some examples?

I don't know what a "body cleaving" dress is?

She's a child, you're her parent.
There's criticism and there's guidance.

There's also experimenting with clothes and being a slave to fashion or peer pressure.

She needs you to parent her.

Crop tops = really silly outerwear during heatwaves because of the amount of skin exposed to the sun.

Teach weather appropriate dressing early. Long sleeves / trousers / flowy skirts for summer. Layers for winter. Be careful with cotton - can unpleasant if it gets damp.

Teach the 'grey man' concept - in this context, throw a cardigan/coat/hoodie over what you're wearing till you get there, so you blend in on the streets.

@Crunchymum

I guess it's the kind of figure hugging dress you would possibly see adults wearing in a nightclub with low neckline and high skirt length. (One occasion).

More often crop tops and shortish skirts.

Personally I think a hoody with leggings for her is a great look as she is quite athletic.

Today she showed the dress of a pupil a year above which basically included just a bra and that was really beyond our limits!

I am now thinking she should avoid adult dresses even if she fits them as she is as tall as an adult as they are more fitted. The designs of adult dresses do include those that show more flesh or could be deemed 'sexy' (not that I particularly like that concept.

My 13 yo DD wears crop tops and cargoes. She has an incredibly womanly body and recently wore a very clingy dress to a party. I was in full pearl clutching mode but she made the v reasonable point that if a young v skinny girl wore
the same dress if wouldn’t seem inappropriate. She’s absolutely right; her hour glass figure completely sexualises her and that’s not her problem. That’s something society has normalised. Reader I let her wear it.

I have to support my 14 year old sometimes with her clothes choices. She’s autistic so doesn’t always get how other people perceive her. No learning disability and appears like a regular teen most of the time. But she takes no care at all over how she looks. Hates anything to do with clothes and make up and hair etc. She’s a bit on the larger side for her age so I’ve always had to encourage her to wear clothes that wouldn’t draw any unwanted attention towards (more usually other teen kids picking on her). So we have always had a rule that leggings are to be worn with longer tops. She came out of leggings a while back and now only wears them for dance - although now tends to prefer baggy joggers, and she tends to wear jeans most of the time. I’ve encourage her to go high waisted with t shirts and tops that actually fit. She likes a band t shirt and doesn’t tend to wear anything skimpy. She hates anything revealing. We ordered a load of things for summer one year from shein and anything remotely showing cleavage she sent back. Her choice. She likes a higher neckline. She also has a particular colour though and style that she does like to wear and it’s mostly for comfort and not generally what’s considered on fashion. Sometimes her grandmother does comments she’s dressing too young for her age but usually she’s fine. But she usually only wears those things when hanging around the house if we’ve managed to get her out of pyjamas. 😂😂

on the other hand I’ve got an 11 year old who used to always dress in Disney joggers/leggings and baggy t shirts until starting secondary this year. She’s discovered fashion and is trying out things. My main bug bear is when she buys clothes that are smaller than her size and which she would then grow out really quickly. (Shes once or twice been allowed out with friends to shop or even with grandparents who are more into designer club wear). She’s going down the crop top and cargo pants route at the moment, or crop top and joggers. She hates jeans but likes a legging with a massive wide leg. She’s lucky enough to be on the slim side and generally most things look nice on her. It’s probably more about what’s suitable for the occasion. Tiny mini skirt not appropriate if hanging out at the park so a trendy short is better if wanting legs out in the fresh air. I’m trying to encourage her to wear a bra though as she’s at a size where a crop top (under wear variety) isn’t supporting and sometimes her nipples are showing though. 🤦‍♀️. Some of her old classmates though are out in tiny mini skirts and crop tops and covered in fake tan. So I’m kind of glad she’s somewhere in the middle!!

I was a skinny teen who loved a mini skirt and DM boot. I went through a goth phase as well. Also went through a hippy baggy skirt and docs phase. I’m nearly 50 and still wear jeans and a hoody so I’m not best placed to give fashion advice.

I'd say you get back chatted and ignored if you did say anything. She wants to dress this way and is certainly not seeking sartorial advice from her mum. I used to wear crop tops and stuff at that age. She'll probably be a goth next week. Lol.

I think three are very sensible points.