To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

I think ultimately op it depends on what you want for your life and what you think you'll be content with and satisfied by and what type of relationship you're modeling to your children who will learn what a good, solid, healthy relationship is through watching you both. I think it depends if there is mutual respect and appreciation present and in your case it doesn't sound like there is.

Have you sat down with your husband and explained that you need him to step up more and the effect its having on you when he doesn't pull his weight or invest in your relationship?

Leaving can be difficult for sure and so can staying but your kids will benefit from seeing a happy and fulfilled mum, regardless of what is making you happy and fulfilled. It really depends on what you want. This is your one life after all.

I think this is the problem @Lavender14 : I don’t know that I would be happy and fulfilled. I think in many ways the remedy would be worse than the disease if you like for the reasons I outlined above.

It's really shit for kids to be stuck in the middle of a bad relationship. Really shit. Don't model that for them.

It's shit having divorced parents as well. I know because I've been there.

I don’t really think it’s any less shit than the alternative @DanielGault but perhaps there’s more to say about that.

We aren’t unkind to one another, there isn’t screaming or shouting or hitting or horribleness.

Is it perfect, no, is it better than the alternative, I don’t see that it is, I really don’t.

Yanbu. There's something to, if you can handle it, staying in a bit of a 'meh' relationship for purely practical reasons.

Financial security. Childcare. Stability for the kids. Just having someone to share some of burden with, even if they're a bit crap.

It's not for everyone, and there's nothing wrong with leaving for your own happiness but lots of people, whether they'll ever admit it or not, do this because it makes sense.

I appreciate that (and I'm sorry). But the unhappy marriage is just totally bad for kids, teaching them to to tolerate misery. For what? If you're in a shit situation as an adult, it's much better to get out of it. I'm coming from a place of a very unhappy family, when divorce was still illegal for quite a while.

You are not wrong and you have hit the nail on the head with your words which describe my life:

*DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained*

I think it's totally reasonable to do the maths and make a pragmatic decision (in the absence of abuse, as you say). I have no doubt that a huge number of women make this decision, and always have done.

It isn’t so much about tolerating misery as not swapping one form of misery for another.

Possibly a bad example but it’s a bit like jobs: jobs can make you really miserable but not having one at all is probably worse and sometimes people do tolerate shit jobs because of short commute or flexible hours or whatever.

I think a large percentage of people stay in shit relationships for financial reasons, yes.

Depends if you would be OK with 50/50 shared care ultimately?

It isn’t just finances. Obviously two homes are more expensive than one but I could provide for us adequately enough.

Why does it depend on that?

Don't underestimate the kids though, they really can pick up on all sorts. Either way, you only get one life.

Maybe for some people but I prefer to be free. I respect me. I look out for me. I support me.

@Thecatisannoying As it's a possibility. I left my abusive ex when my boys were still small and he got 50/50 in court. It has been incredibly difficult not being with the kids for days on end. Also financially very challenging.

I'm here with you Op. Trying to weight up my own needs over those of the children. If I can stick it out until youngest is 13 I think will be the best.

I don't trust my husband to look after the children properly, so if I wait until they can more or less look after themselves it will be better for everyone.

I did stay and it has only got worse. Lazy, useless bastard. Ideally I would have chucked him out years ago but was never in the position to, and now he won't go.

That was how I felt too.

I think you're being unreasonable OP! We only get one life, and to waste it for mediocrity is criminal in my eyes. Take a leap of faith and vow to make life better for you all, it's not even as if you can't afford to do it, I think you're just stuck in a rut and scared to break out on your own.

@ChanelNo19EDT that sounds good but you just can’t only think about you when you have children. Even the most selfish arse in the world can’t.

@Sooooootired01 if we were to split I imagine he’d have them one weekend day a week, tbh that’s still too much for me. He’d be a total Disney dad and they’d adore him for it.

Sorry to hear that aptly named @Tiedtoatwat

@KidsandKindness but this is exactly the point of my post 😂 I don’t think it would make life better!

100% agree with you. It’s better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit shit than to go through the upheaval and expense of divorce (no one tells you that’s going to cost you £10k upwards)
Plus working all the hours to support your children, would be no money for luxuries, no holidays, no dance class, no gymnastics, no football clubs, no days out.
Nah I’d rather things be a bit shit and my kids have a nicer life

Do you plan to split up when your children are older? So this is a temporary “lesser of two evils”?

I can completely understand why people do that, as long as children are not being exposed to arguments, tension or spiteful behaviour between their parents. What breaks my heart is older people who just never broke up and they are locked in to an increasingly lonely and bitter marriage in retirement when their children are long moved out.