To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

Haven’t rtft but my parents divorced due to the stress of bringing up children together. Bringing up children is stressful but is there hope for the future? Perhaps when the children are more independent and less overwhelming? DH found the early years really overwhelming (and coped by opting out of parenting as much as possible - I felt like a single parent most of the time) but as DC get older, our relationship has gradually been growing stronger again. I chose to stay when things weren’t great because of the impact divorce had on me as a child and beyond, and I couldn’t bear to spend time away from my children.

I don't think it's clearcut @Thecatisannoying

I think in many cases you are probably correct.

It's just that it's so hard to knpw.

you could leave hjm and be skint and stressed and muserable.

or yiu coyld leave him and gajn a newfound freedom and zest for life.

could you try just mentally leaving him and seeing how you get on? ie think and behave like a single mum, just put youself and kids first and dont spend any emotional energy on him?

he might see yiu thrivibg and up his game. or you might realise yiu want ti actuslly leave.

It worked for me, splitting up. I'm exhausted juggling working and ensuring I have time with DC, but also ex stepped up and does a lot, has DC 2 out of 3 weekends. Ex was always good with DC and at housework, though.

Pros: I get new partner, career, time to myself; much less stress and resentment, happy, calm home, much better mental health; DC has great bond with dad.

Cons: I have to work more, so don't get so much time with DC; ex gets the quality, fun time while I do school runs, homework, bed; DC plays computer games, doesn't wash and eats junk at dad's.

I personally think totally reasonable to say if it's tolerable for the kids

Sometimes sacrificing a family unit isn't worth it for your own happiness alone

Revisit leaving when they leave, people manage just fine with meh, it's fine for now

@scrabble7 i think in some ways that’s what I’m holding out hope for. Like you, I often feel like a single parent and that’s emotionally as well as every other sense.

Oh another pro is that relationship with now ex is much better now we're not under each other's feet.

Couple therapy ? If he can’t be arsed with that then you will have done everything you can

One of my friends used to complain all the time that her parents were still together and kept saying everyone who knew them wondered why they hadn't split. It damaged her relationship with both of them in a way because, as she got older she couldn't completely respect them or staying in a situation that was less than ideal. There was no abuse and no massive rows either, but they were completely different people with little in common. One of them sadly died in their fifties and it just seemed a bit of a waste.

I also think this tendency of staying in mediocre relationships just perpetuates the dogma that being 'in a relationship' is the apex of human life that we must all aspire to, while being single is a disaster. This seems to lead to people, often young people with no children to consider, putting being with someone above all else in their lives, even when it seems pretty clear that they are settling for mediocrity. It's a shame and I do think society needs a bit of reset on it really.

I think the kind of situation you describe is what people would have previously called 'working on your marriage'. It's a bit of an old fashioned notion now but I think there is definitely some wisdom underlying it. Relationships will potentially not always be easy and almost all of the elderly people I know that have had long and predominantly happy marriages describe tough times where they didn't like each other very much. Often it was when there was a lot of stress put on the relationship due to having young children, financial issues or poor health. These are really testing things for individuals and even harder for couples to navigate together harmoniously.

I think it's a lot easier nowadays to pull the plug early on when someone isn't happy or getting what they want out of the relationship. I understand people talking about modelling healthy relationships but this could involve showing kids that real relationships do require some degree of perseverance, compromise and it isn't always sunshine and daisies all the time. They will perhaps grow to have more realistic view of what is required to make a relationship work and that there is no such thing as an ideal person. I'm not talking about abusive relationships or relationships in terminal decline but those that are a bit frazzled and imperfect.

@pinotnow I don’t know that it’s being in a relationship, it’s more having a family that’s the marker. Breaking up a relationship may be unpleasant but it’s straightforward, breaking up a family isn’t.

I am not sure (I’m not doubting your word, by the way!) why someone would complain their parents are together when they aren’t outwardly unhappy or arguing.

I had this same question a couple of years ago. Kids still tiny, relationship was definitely more than a bit crap, but leaving would have been harder and crapper still for many many reasons. I've waited it out, and things have got easier and better, we're actually better now than we ever were. I think you've got to weigh it all up - it's not just about having a perfect relationship. There's so many other factors to consider.
Keep talking to each other, but never be afraid to leave if you have to.

My parents stayed together for years when they shouldnt have and it was hell! That is the reason I am leaving my current partner: I am not willing to put my kids through what I went through and I'd rather do it now when they're young enough for having parents living separately to be the norm. Kids pick up on your unhappiness and I constantly felt responsible for both my parent's happiness as a result - and that their unhappiness was ultimately my fault somehow.

My parents divorced after lots of mum taking him back nonsense. The aftermath was shit and my dad didn't give my mum a penny, never paid maintenance, so it was hard on everyone. I'm glad she walked because I saw a woman say, I'm worth more than this.

My own relationship is not perfect. It's not abusive but it's certainly not perfect. We have good days and bad ones. I totally see where OP is coming from.

There's a huge range between being hunky dory happy, and fighting at all times. The atmosphere in a house where parents don't get on can be stifling.

However I mostly agree with you OP. In the olden days it was more difficult to break up a marriage, so people stayed in relationships they weren't overly happy with. Ime the mythical happy shiny new relationship after the divorce isn't always forthcoming and quite a few people spend their lives alone. Is semi amicable companionship better than that?

I’m sorry I couldn’t disagree more with this. I think you are always without exception happier alone than in a relationship unless that relationship actively enhances your life.

I know there are other considerations and I don’t want to minimise the difficulties of separation but for me there is no upside whatsoever to being with a man unless he’s wonderful.

Cohabiting is fucking awful unless you really love each other. Even if you do it’s hard work and not worth it. Men are generally awful to live with, even the “progressive” ones. Women can’t really be properly themselves if they’re in a marriage. Kidd learn that a shit relationship is all they have to aspire to. Just awful.

Divorce is the best thing I have ever done. Don’t waste your life living in seething resentment of someone else.

But the OP will still be in seething resentment about her DP being a 'Disney dad' so she will just swap one resentment for another.

Was just talking to my mum about his today. She’s coming up to 50 years married, as are my aunties & most of her friends. We were talking about the pros & cons of divorce. My marriage almost collapsed last year… But we’re still here. Another cousin weathered a similar marital crisis, and another did split up (having a child with OW now). So, yeah… I don’t know!

Plus everything else would still stand. He’d have one day a week with them while I struggled for six. He’d have money while I would be skint. Some of that’s not exactly his fault - but it’s just how it is I suppose.

l think you are always without exception happier alone than in a relationship unless that relationship actively enhances your life.

The enhancement might be half the bills and mortgage paid though.

@Sunquest

But the OP will still be in seething resentment about her DP being a 'Disney dad' so she will just swap one resentment for another.

Yeah but that will apply in any eventuality. At least if she divorces she won’t have to live with him.

@Thecatisannoying I spoke to my friend about this a lot over the years - she describes it as an atmosphere. I think as children get older they do pick up on that kind of stuff. Younger ones, as someone else said up thread, probably don't pick up on as much and don't really care about their parents' happiness. But some, as they get older, do pick up on it and do care. I know my friend also felt responsible for her parents being unhappy as she assumed they had stayed together for the kids. Again, this was never said or spoken of, but she felt it and she didn't like feeling responsible.

Obviously, every situation is different and people react in different ways to similar circumstances, but this was her perspective.

Personally, I do think it's damaging to model the idea that any relationship is better than none. I think the long term consequences can be more damaging than people realise, but obviously a messy and acrimonious divorce, or one that results in poverty or near-poverty (they don't all - mine didn't and I'm not rich!) also have serious effects on the children.

I think you meant it supportively but I don’t really like it being painted I’m with DH for the money. It isn’t the money, it’s the children. Some of that is tied up in money - at the moment I’m able to work part time - but to be honest in many ways full time work would be preferable, it just isn’t best for them.

Personally, I do think it's damaging to model the idea that any relationship is better than none

This is what it comes down to for me. This belief so many women’s lives. If you need a reason to leave him, this is it.

Amen to this. It's so awful to live in a dead marriage as a child. Really horrible.

I agree with your OP.

And chances are he’d go and procreate again and then you’ve got a whole other problem in the mix.

It would take A LOT for me to divorce my husband because this is a much easier life.

I see couples on Tiktok etc (yes yes I know not all is how it seems) who are properly into each other and yes I feel sad I won’t have that but I’m not the type of woman anyone would ever be really into anyway so I’ll accept my mediocre lot in life and just make the best of it.