To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

This isn't a case of LTB. This is people actually discussing what's best for the parents and kids.

I think you're right. It so depends on the children's ages as well. How can anyone be truly happier knowing during contact with their Dad these treasured kids are going to Macdonald's, not in clean nappies, with TV on all day, basically parenting themselves...? I'm sticking with meh until they are old enough to be able to recognise that's shit parenting makes sense. At least they can be protected from that and then when out of primary can start to see it all for what it is.

I do see what you mean OP, but I disagree. I've known a lot of people who were brought up in loveless households where their parents disliked each other, and also people whose parents divorced when they were little, and without exception the latter group are better-adjusted and less damaged. Growing up with divorced parents may be a bit shit and not ideal but growing up in a toxic atmosphere fucks you all the way up.

So I think you're looking at this too much in the short term. A few years of everything you describe, the logistics and the Disney dad and the stress, when the equivalent few years if you stay are just plodding along with the status quo.

But look beyond that. When the kids are teenagers or young adults, they'll see straight through the Disney dad stuff and they'll know which parent was actually there for them. The logistics will change, as they will in a few years anyway, and probably for the better. And for you, the long term you should be thinking of is the rest of your life. Maybe you can hack being in a loveless marriage for the next few years but at some point it will become intolerable.

You're not wrong about what leaving involves in the short term, but in the long term it's more likely to lead to your happiness and your kids' happiness.

I get what you mean OP. Better the devil you know and choose which 'hard' you want to be in, together and hard or apart and hard. By staying you are settling but I know how hard the unknown is, currently 2 year split from husband and have 2 children, The thought if being away from the kids made me not want to split but luckily we are amicable and I have the kids mainly and he helps out after school, has them on a Saturday night and we bith go football training with son etc at the weekend so quite in eachothers lives still, only I can now have organisation of money and am not stressed by him although the loving him and his potential has been hard to get over.

Put it another way: surely the most important aspect of raising your children is equipping them to be well-adjusted, emotionally stable adults - not whether they get to eat junk food one day a week when they're 7. That won't matter in 20 years' time.

Because he would never leave our home, and neither will I. Plus I have family property he could have a claim to, and that would be over my cold dead body. And we have adult kids still living at home.

It's equipping them to recognise a healthy, loving relationship. Staying in a false relationship is doing just the opposite of that.

I totally get this!

Obviously, when there is abuse in the relationship it needs to be ended.

But otherwise

• I don't know anybody in a perfect relationship, all the time. Couples have good periods and not so good period.
• I don't know anybody who is happy every day;
• you're never really 'free' if you're are the primary parent;
• Blended families are harder;
• The ex will always be part of your life as you share children.
• Loneliness can be a real health issue.

Every aspect of life is overall easier with a partner.

Yes, it's hard work at times but so is the alternative. And after a long period of time, having a companion, someone who you have shared the lows and the highs with seems to be worth it (judging by my grandparents and parents).

It might be depressing but I just don't think the purpose of our one and only life is to be 'happy and free'. I think hardships are always part of our lives, making it reacher and meaningful. Having a family is a wonderful privilege, and yes - requires constant effort.

Not every relationship is worth saving, of course, but in OP's circumstances, I completely get it.

I agree. I thought I had a happy childhood, turns out I was utterly deluded but I had no idea. So I have wonderful happy memories mixed with guilt and sadness at how miserable my parents were and are together and feeling like all my happiness was at the expense of the people I love most.

This is a lovely honest thread with pragmatic views. It's clear there is no right answer. For my part I'm glad I left despite being in some of the situations you describe fearing @Thepeopleversuswork but every day life isn't full of unicorns and rainbows whether you're married (happily or not) or single. We just need to get on with things and find happiness where we can.

I don’t think there’s a right answer. There’s a big difference between abusive, kids seeing arguments/obvious dislike to just a bit ‘meh’.

I think people are too quick to leave sometimes. I’d give anything to be in a ‘meh’ if it meant I had my child all the time. I earn okay money but things are still very tight with everything over the last few years. And bad co-parenting, as is very common, can also be toxic for children.

Have you both tried to improve things romantically? Dates, therapy etc?

Separating doesn't equal 2 happy parents.

It can result in 2 unhappy parents who are financially worse off and don't see their children daily.

I know, but equally staying together doesn't equal two happy parents either.i really don't think it's a good thing to model an unhappy relationship to children. In fact, I think it's hugely damaging.

I agree that relationships are hard work and are not going to be a heap of fun and ecstasy all the time and that maybe some people give up on them too easily when the going gets tough, but I also think people feel that marriage = success, and will put up with most things to say they have that, which is sad. And if only one person is willing to put the work in, the first scenario isn't relevant and becomes one person is unhappy and the other is quite happy, having swapped his mother for his wife. I don't see why any woman wants to put up with that. OP hasn't really said how her H feels...

@Newsenmum no, if you leave you don't find a new partner because that starts up the blended family hell.

If you leave, you stay single.

I agree with this too.

Also, on here when this topic is discussed people see it as so black and white - you’re either madly in love with an amazing relationship or screaming and shouting at each other 24/7 with the kids cowering in the corner. To me, most of these questions are asked about relationships that fall in the middle ground. The relationships that don’t set the world on fire but are someone to share the load with or someone to share company with in the evenings or whatever else. And those are the ones where it’s probably hardest to leave because even though you know there’s most likely better out there, is it worth the hassle?

@splashofcolour I left and only saw my children half of the time from very young ages. Financially it was incredibly challenging. Emotionally it was horrific.
But I met a man with no kids years later and am now happily remarried and not controlled so no regrets.

It really isn’t about them eating junk food one day a week (or about them preferring their father to me; one already does and I’m sure the other will follow suit.) And it does sting a little when you do late nights and broken nights and early mornings and make sure the clothes are clean and organise the days out to hear them whinge for daddy.

But I t’s about the fact that when there is another parent with different values, expectations and priorities to yours then that makes your six day a week parenting job six times harder.

(NC for this)

I’m fond enough of DH and it’s reciprocated, but it’s familiarity that keeps us together and neither of us has any close family left.

We don’t have children (by mutual choice) and we rub along just fine most of the time, with occasional flashpoints, as happened today. Just . . . I’m disappointed in him. He has so much potential, but he has his rigid little confines that he won’t breach, and he can behave like a petulant child sometimes, as he struggles with emotional maturity.

Oh, he has his good points. He can be funny and witty and he’s otherwise a kind man, we pull our weight together and it’s a partnership, but we’ve settled with each other. We’re not right happy, but we’re not completely miserable either. I know one day I’ll leave him though.

@Sooooootired01

Tbf, if you and your children are now truly happy, that's only a good thing 😊

Uhh me too, but I resent the years of not bothering. He also thinks he was amazing when my 2 DC were babies as he would make me a cup of tea before work or say don’t worry about the washing, get to it when you can. He is better but not at all fun. I very much encourage interaction between them. Why I bother I’m not sure now I’ve written that. Maybe I will let this effort I make go.

I feel you OP. I actually consider myself a single parent already in someways, I’m not married to my ‘D’P but he both DC’s father too and we live together. Lots of people are surprised I’m actually in a relationship as they rarely see us all. DP works very long hours and away a lot. People ask me if I worry he’ll cheat and no, gawd take him off my hands please, but we still struggle with two incomes. We earn very similar amounts, but I need flexibility for school, as DP can’t ‘help’ due to work.

I get very stressed with a pressured relatively senior job. We have lots debt from the baby years when I didn’t work, and honestly poor money management as we don’t really work as a team on spending or communicate about anything. I do spoil my Dc a bit, so not blame free, as grew up very poor so it’s hard.

I know my DC wouldn’t cope with before /after school clubs or could we afford it if we spilt.

Really wonder if I would be more stressed or less stressed if we spilt, it’s purely the money, I wouldn’t say lifestyle as that makes it sound like I’m cruising it now.

So have a lot of people. My parents divorced when I was young, dad was an a hole but my mum was way happier after so we were happy too.

I think seeing him play disney dad and doing little else will be short term pain, long term gain when they grow to see his fun side as laziness.

I wouldnt let him take you down with him. What you lose in having to work extra hours you will gain in nit having to carry him as well.

Financially and time wise you may even find benefits/extra pay/better quality time without his laziness means you are a happier mum, even if you are knackered.

This is exactly how my life is since splitting with ex H and it feels so unfair. Our 4 DC think ‘Disney dad’ is amazing. They see him EOW, no extra in holidays just EOw, he doesn’t make them go to bed if they don’t want to, don’t have to have baths if they don’t want to, eat crap all weekend and have a whale of a time.
Then they come home and I’m the nasty parent who makes them go to bed cos they have school, makes them do home work, makes them bath, feeds them decent meals not takeaways and actually do the parenting that he doesn’t bother with. He wouldn’t have a clue about anything to do with their schooling, dentist or optician appts, haircuts, play dates, friends any of that. I do it all, and work so have childcare to sort and get them to and it’s a real kick in the stomach to hear them go on about how wonderful it is at daddy’s and how poor daddy wishes he could see them more but he has to work (no, he has plenty of time not at work, he’d just rather be with his gf but obv doenst tell the DC that).
It really is unfair, I lay in bed crying over it frequently, I hope and pray one day they see all that I do for them cos it gets me down so much

Reading through those are things that can be worked on . I don’t know what the answer is. I guess I’d ask myself if I still loved him. Can I imagine life without him. If you don’t love him and can imagine life without him then it’s a waste of time trying in my opinion.