To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

I think if you’re genuinely not arguing in front of each other then maybe it is better for the kids to stay. I’m a child whose parents stayed together for the kids, and neither of thank them for that. They didn’t argue all the time, but when they did it was bad, and it’s impacted on both of us in regards to relationships as adults, especially me. The situation you describe doesn’t sound all that bad, one day of no boundaries etc, it’s fine. My colleague has an ex who has few rules and she said they prefer being with her who does have rules, screen time and healthy meals etc. You deserve to be happy too, don’t get to later in life and wonder why you didn’t do something about it when you were younger. Your choice though.

@Thecatisannoying Apologies, I didn't mean to imply that money was the reason you are staying. I was just pointing out that in some cases the financial security is a big reason to stay.

Is your relationship one you can see improving? For example are you in the trenches of young kids, trying to organise everything without much support, and in a few years you'll have more freedom together? Or is it dead as a dodo with no chance of revival?

What impact would an "I want to end it" conversation have on him do you think?

@Zanatdy I really think it would end with DH being the preferred parent by far and me the exhausted one trying to parent ‘properly’ and being resented as a result.

I thought that, but now my daughter is 13, just taken her options and will be starting her GCSE's in Sept and I'd hate my self even more for disrupting her life now. Then I'll be making excuses because of her A-level's...

Trapped by finances and lifestyle choices I guess, whereas once she's an adult and not dependant on us, I don't think I'll care about my own standard of living.
A little bit of me hopes that our relationship will get better with time too, or my standards lower.
I think I enjoyed being single and living on my own too much, so I know how nice it can be. Cleaning up and it staying like it. Buying and cooking food you like rather than what people will eat.... ah, I loved my single days. No idea how I let my life slip into this humdrum existence. Maybe it's just growing up and getting older. I do spend a lot of my time thinking 'Is this it?'

OP, YANBU. I think lots of people settle for a life and relationship that's a bit meh because it's better than upsetting the apple cart.

I think you sound like a really good person op who wants the best for everyone. You sound mature, pragmatic and sensible.

I don’t think there is always a “right” or “wrong” answer. Life is often what you make of it. The most successful people in life are often those that make the best of a crap or average situation.

One caveat: make sure you don’t lose yourself completely in this situation. Keep a corner of your life that is just for you. Also bear in mind that when the dc leave home you may want to consider striking out on your own, so plant little seeds towards that end should it arise.

Good luck. Most people think being brave is always leaving. But sometimes it can involve staying too. I think you are brave op 💐

I think he’d be shocked if I said I wanted to end things. But perhaps not. I know one of the problems is we don’t talk but you can’t make somebody talk if they don’t want to.

I don't agree there tbh. Not arguing is not necessarily a great relationship. I really do believe kids pick up on it all. Sometimes it's just time to let it go. And try to find a decent way to co parent. I imagine it's best to do that while everything is still amicable. (again, imo, ime).

Also, children do see through 'Disney Dads' or just lazy dads eventually, ime. If they live with them in a marriage and the mum does all the compensating, that's a terrible message they're getting about gender roles. If they stay with them weekly following a divorce, they may love it at first, but they do see it for what it is as they get older. My dc are teens now and they do love their dad and see him regularly. But there have been plenty of occasions in recent years where they have shown they appreciate my input and see him as quite lazy. Eg insisting I do parents' evening even if it falls on his night and comments they've made. They can survive some lazy parenting, they really can.

Depends if sex is involved/expected. I don't think I could bring myself to go through the motions of that with someone when really, I didn't truly love them (anymore?).

@DanielGault one thing I’ve learned from MN and life more generally is that it’s impossible to predict what and how will impact a child.

I have heard posters insist that they didn’t respect their non working parent; I’ve heard posters say how much they didn’t like having to go to childcare. Some posters are resentful about their parents divorce and others delighted apparently. Some posters sailed through a house / school move in their teens, others couldn’t recover. I do put my children first but I’ve no way of knowing for sure what will have an impact in the future. I just have to try to apply common sense and compassion.

@pinotnow I’m really not sure that they do to be honest. It would be lovely if they did but I don’t think this is automatically the case.

So your main worry is that they will prefer their dad to you?

Ah, I know. Sorry if I came across rude/blunt. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a kid who's mum stayed for the sake of the kids. And in doing so, traumatized us hugely. Not quite the same situation, as my father was abusive, but I don't believe staying when you're not happy is a good thing. Just giving my own perspective,kids pick it all up imo.

No way I would stay in a crap relationship. Kids know. I would know. It’s no way to live. The only way I would stay is if I was broke & I would have a plan. It’s a cliche life is over so quickly. My child & me deserve a happy & content environment & I would be utterly depressed being trapped.

I would also be so very disappointed in myself for modelling a relationship where you are miserable or at least verging on it. I want to teach my DD high self-worth and financial security as it scares me so much her being stuck somewhere she doesn’t want to be.

Imagine looking back on this life & thinking you could’ve done so much better.

Easy for me to say as very happily married but if you’ve honestly tried everything to improve how you feel (therapy, advising DH of the potential consequences etc), I would leave.

My parents have been married for nearly 50 years and they never had regular massive arguments etc when we were growing up but it was strained and they also never expressed love to each other. The first time I noticed this was when I started staying at my best friends every weekend when I was 12 and her parents were MADLY in love (cuddling, snogging, such loving and respectful language, even split of house stuff) - what a difference it makes to the energy/vibes/joy levels in a household. I felt lighter going there, it was so great to see how happy adult relationships could/should be. Still feel quite sad for my parents re their meh marriage.

There are no guarantees either way, unfortunately. I do think if you act with compassion, as you have said, and as you no doubt will as that is clearly your priority, the children will be absolutely fine. If you've spoken to your H about how he feels and he isn't really responding, I think it's so sad to stay in a marriage like that for the sake of children who really do not need that responsibility and who have every chance of having a great relationship with both parents following a split.

@Alittlebitwary What age were the kids when things started improving?

My ex is a Disney dad. He has 30 PC custody and doesn't like doing weekends much. Ds used to love it but he's bored now. Watching TV and eating shite gets boring.
He comes to me for comfort and tells me things.
If he's that lazy you won't have a fight on your hands re him wanting 50 percent and all that entails.

OP I agree with you. People always talk about not modeling bad relationships for kids, as if that's the only thing worth considering. There are many things to weigh up.

On the not talking thing - marriage/relationship guidance counselling can really help.

People will come on and say "but you could have a much better partner"

But actually? It is vanishly rare to find a man who will be a supportive partner in parenting step children, so for better or worse, their bio father is likely the best they or you will get on that front.

Yanbu op. I understand people who know that it isn't necessarily a bad choice to stay in a boring/frustrating relationship if its:

• easier
• better for your children
• less stressful
• the least worst

Id even go so far as to say quite a lot of people these days leave a marriage too readily. They are bored, wandering eyes, even a bit selfish. They want "more" than settled/amiable/lacklustre.

Because we can tell, kids aren’t stupid. I wished my parents would break up from primary school age and now as an adult I still think it would’ve made for a better life for everyone if they did. Except now I also think they’re rather pitiful individuals who condemned themselves to a life of mediocrity and misery and I’d rather be single forever than be like them. As it happens I’m in a lovely relationship but I wouldn’t hesitate to end it if it stopped being lovely.

No way I would stay in a crap relationship. Kids know.

They really don't always. My friend left what had been a long frustrating marriage when her younger dd left for uni.

Her kids were stunned. Had zero idea parents weren't happily married.

Interesting, I became increasingly convinced my ex was doing exactly that and it formed the basis of me giving up and leaving.
It's not entirely in your control, you do realise that right? It could very well lead to your unwanted outcome happening anyway, unexpectedly with you unprepared

This is a a very honest thread, with lots of very balanced comments. I pretty much agree with you OP, who knows what will affect the DC more - staying or leaving. I'm in a vaguely similar situation, and I am coming to the conclusion that I could not forgive myself if I prioritised my own happiness at the expense of my DC's happiness. But not really knowing how they will respond to change is the hardest thing, and keeps you thinking... What if?

I agree with you OP. Too many people on MN write LTB too easily