To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

And this has been this way for over 5 years, they still think he’s amazing, no sign of them coming out the other side yet.

I think kids can always respect an honest adult decision to split even if they dont like it. No child of divorce truly wishes their unhappy parents had stayed together.

Once you've experienced the happiness of a brilliant marriage it is impossible to imagine anything other than that or being single, even if being single is harder because it's a binary choice that you're making and being in control rather than a death by a thousand cuts.

Sorry to be blunt, but you can't let that get to you so much. Kids will be kids, they're not going to appreciate the important stuff you do for them. They're only going to see the sweets and late nights their dad gives them and worship him for that. That's what's important to kids, not the necessities.
Pull yourself together and remind yourself what an amazing job you're doing. Your kids will appreciate that when they're older, I'm sure.

I'm only just realising in my 30s how useless my dad really was when I was younger, and how my mum pretty much did everything. Yet at the time, my dad was the 'fun one'.

@PylonFree it's not a case of if they ever see it, it's when. It will be bittersweet because they will feel as crap as you do now. I'm sorry he is such a disappointing human being. Take comfort in knowing that they will grow up vowing never to settle for a man like him. If mum can do it solo they will have confidence that they can to if they ever need to. X

Loneliness while in a relationship is real top tho, and is soul destroying. After many years of meh, and trying and counselling, I've reached the point of it hugely effecting me and my mental healthy. I'm a shell of myself with low energy and low interest. I feel so torn still as I want my DC under my roof each night but I am not the mum I was or wanted to be because of how this nonmarriage is impacting me. He is not happy either but is holding on for Dear life.

Reading some of your posts is just heartbreaking. That's why I put up and shut up, but even though they are grown up (and all think I should get rid of H) I am still trapped.

What would be your ideal? What scenario would help you get out?

This is going to sound so awful, and I am going to hell for it, but if he passed away.... He doesn't take care of his health at all, and his family aren't renowned for their longevity... but I am going to hell in a handcart for even thinking it...!

I completely agree with you - it's all very well just saying "LTB" but it can often be a case of jumping out of the unfulfilled, frustrated frying pan into the financially compromised, knackered, frustrated fire.

I will say this, though - things may change for the better as the kids get older. When the kids are young you're basically in a job share with your spouse. I wanted to throttle my husband frequently. But my kids are now 16, 13 and 10 and things are much less bleak. In fact, we are happy (not that we don't have our moments, of course.) I'm so glad that I made the decision to hang in there. I hope that's some comfort to you.

I've never said that out loud, so to speak, before.

I get it. No judgement here.

You can't live like that though.

I hear where you are coming from but put some excitement in your life. If you don’t want to leave now- have a word with your husband and explain that some excitement has gone and you want to do something about it. I’m guessing you married him for a reason.

When I split with my ex, yes I was the more serious parent but that didn’t make me boring! I did special Fridays where we either made a favourite junk food at home; went to a resturant or got a takeaway. My DD was told to have veg and I would turn the plate into a happy face or her initials. We went to a museum or park or something weekly - these are free activities where we live.

In the short term it seems like the easiest thing to do but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your happiness. I hope you both can get through this and go back to a time where you loved the relationship. All relationships have their downfalls - but I think it’s horrible if you accept this as your norm without making the effort to fix it. Like others have said children and detect tense environments.

Dunno. Seen so many people split up and then chase the ideal romance, where they are convinced they have a wonderful relationship and perfect blended family. Meanwhile the kids are having a shitty time

I didn't say anything about chasing a new relationship though did I? That's a totally separate issue. And not one that justifies keeping helpless children in a toxic environment.

Yes. Let’s chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

But that's the thing though, isn't it - most of the time it's not toxic, just deeply dissatisfying for one spouse. That's where the difficulty lies; who wouldn't leave if it was toxic?

I don’t think children do eventually see through the Disney dad stuff. I came to parenting late and it’s only now I realise the gruelling work my mum must have been put through. My dad was the preferred parent because mum was stressy and quick to fly off the handle and difficult. She was. But my god I get it now.

Loads and loads of people. That's the problem. Children are the victims in these situations. Well meaning parents think they're doing the right thing, but it's just prolonging the agony. There is no point in dragging out a dead relationship 'for the sake of the kids'. It does the kids no good at all.

I've read every single post as this has been a fascinating thread.
I did leave but am a high earner so not as impacted financially and work remotely with flexibility to allow me to do school drop off and pick ups. Young DC too and I absolutely stayed longer than I should have as I was concerned about their happiness. They are doing well. I've aimed to keep an amicable relationship and live 10 mins away from ExH so easy to see them even when not my days.

I understand staying in meh as I seriously considered it as well. However, 17 years ago I survived a near death experience and vowed to try and live life to the fullest where I can so this has influenced my choices including choice of work which enabled me to leave.
I have peace of mind and feel happier within myself. I am able to be a better happier parent and I see the benefits of this for my DC.

It's ultimately up to you and your husband - as long as you b both opt to stay in the relationship, no one can really say that's unreasonable. I can think of things that would be absolute deal-breakers to some of my friends but I just really don't care about them - and vice versa.

If you do split up, though, for God's sake don't settle for him Disney Dadding once a week!!!! He has 50% of the responsibility for the children, and that includes all the hard parts. Agree on that up front.

But were your parents together? Because if so, I don't think you can compare it to parents who have split. In a marital home it's obviously far harder and actually irrelevant for kids to try to unpick who is doing what and which parent is responsible for their overall happiness and experiences. But once apart, the differences become far more stark.

My kids can see that their dad is a lot more lax with them than I am, but they also see that his house is a 'bit of a shithole' (their words) and that he doesn't work half as hard as I do. They wouldn't see that if we were together and would probably just see him as the more laid back parent. Obviously each case is different, but kids do see through Disney dads in very many cases, but probably most likely when the mum has stepped back to expose the shortcomings, and not when she is picking up the slack like some kind of fairy godmother.

I grew up knowing my parents were in a very unhappy marriage. They are in their early 70s and are still together (married 44 years in August). Years ago this was because of us kids, but then it was due to the financial implications of divorcing.

Whilst I was a kid, teen and during my 20s, there were a number of heated arguments but in the last 10 years or so they’ve basically settled into a weird rhythm of coexisting and have developed either a higher tolerance for being around each other or have reached a stage of just caring less generally about the things that used to cause tensions.

As someone raised in that environment it wasn’t nice but the benefit was that seeing such an unhappy and unhealthy example of a marriage role modelled so openly, I was determined that I wouldn’t ever compromise on my relationships. I was only going to marry the man I truly believed to be my life partner and the person I could picture growing old and experiencing all of life’s milestones and challenges with. And I would never stay in a relationship I wasn’t happy in, as that level of misery really does grind down your soul over time.

The thing is Daniel you state these things so confidently as if they are facts and they are not.

There are many adults, walking around today, who will have been raised in homes you would deem toxic but in fact have just been one parent unhappy. And unhappy doesn’t mean unhappy all the time either.

The biggest cause of misery, and that feeds into nearly every societal problem we can think of - criminality and drugs and mental and physical health issues - is poverty. And single parent households are more likely to be living in poverty than any other type of household. A quick google tells me that’s 49% as of July 2022. I doubt things have drastically improved in the last two years.

So you say ‘damaging to raise children in toxic households.’ Yes, I agree to a point. Abuse, absolutely (which includes emotional abuse.) Marriages like mine, I would say no.

I have no wish to denigrate well meant advice but there is a MN version of LTB. The MN version is that your children will grow to understand and respect and indeed be glad you left. They will eventually turn against the feckless father. They will not mind growing up in a run down area, perhaps with poor school choices, because they will just be glad to see their mother happy.

The thing is my DH is actually a kind and loving dad so of course his children love him. But there is so, so much invisible stuff that parenting involves. I actually said to my DH the other day something like ‘you have no idea how much I do just to keep things looking normal.’ I have to clean and tidy countless times a day just to keep things looking sort of normal. But no one really sees that. That’s one example, I’m just trotting that out. I spent the first eighteen months of my DS life holding him and soothing him and feeding him at night and then going to work myself exhausted while DH snored. DS then started sleeping through but replaced broken nights with early mornings and once again DH snored as I sat with the Teletubbies and Mr Tumble at 5am on a winter morning freezing my tits off. And - Ds doesn’t remember it. Today I had to take him away from a sandpit because he wouldn’t stop taking spades off other kids and he sobbed and cried for DADDY. Versions of that happen well into teens and twenties and I think it’s really disingenuous when people pretend they don’t.

We can leave. Some can join the 49% of lone parent households living in poverty. I wouldn’t be one of them. We would have a house, children have own bedrooms, a car, absolute luxury compared to a hundred years ago and yet - breakfast and after school club five days a week once you start school. Briefly see one another then bath and bed. Mums so tired. Mum never picks up from school so a bit detached from all the playground politics stuff. Mums so tired. Saturday comes and yay - fun day with dad. Sunday comes and mums so tired. She has to do this and that. She’ll take us here or there but we see her all the time so we’ll grumble and whinge and tell her ‘it was MUCH better yesterday.’ Because kids are kids and they can be brutal.

Sometimes leaving is the right option. Not always.

@pinotnow my mother died. So yes and no if you like. I really had no idea how much she’d done for me until circa three years ago.