To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

Voting is totally evenly split just now, however I think you should think of separating, even if it’s a decision to be made later down the road.

That was the decision I took, and now I am stuck with him, and the kids are adults. Hence username!

I really honestly think children would benefit more from two happy parents. They can see through the facade. Obviously just my own personal opinion, but you're modelling future relationships for them. It's not great to model 'fake' imo.

@Canweaffordkids i don’t know that I am. At the moment our children are very, very young and so I’m buckling at the knees with the strain on me. But I know it won’t always be like this and perhaps in time things will be easier.

I started this post as I was considering starting one in relationships but I realised I’d just get told to talk to him (tried, get nowhere) and so to leave but I really genuinely can’t see that’s the best way for anybody.

@Tiedtoatwat I have to say I know it’s a serious issue but I do bloody love your username!

But the difference is, you’re free. After a tough few years of sorting it all out, you would have a few days a week completely to yourself and to find a new partner and live your life in the way you want.

Do you feel trapped? Because that is the worst. If you don’t, then sure. Ideally you work hard to make it work with your partner.

I think you're right op, I really do.

Yanbu, huge numbers of women do this because divorce is expensive, they don’t have proper careers to live a lifestyle they want without DH and the kids aren’t suffering. I think it’s hugely common

Why are you stuck with him though @Tiedtoatwat if the kids are grown up? Why can't you divorce him?

Yes I’ve thought this a lot too, op, it’s depressing but probably easier all round to stay and a better life for my dc. I also hear so many crap stories from friends either stuck in similar situations, it seems to be a common theme once kids come along etc

@WhiteLeopard Lifestyle?

Does he know that you considered leaving him?
No relationship is perfect and it depends on how much you're willing to put up with. Being miserable is different to just coasting along.

*Also, not either
I also couldn’t bear the thought of being away from Dd half the time and would worry she’d be looked after 100% properly, so it’s better to stay and detach yourself from it somehow/make the best of it and make life about Dd

Reading with interest. At times very unhappy in my marriage. We have two very small children. Leaving seems impossible / terrifying. But at times he really does make me very unhappy.

I couldn't work without my husband looking after our children and I'm not sure if we split that he'd keep to any kind of contact arrangement.
Would I be happier without him in my life? 100% yes
Would I be happier if I couldn't work because he let me down at the last minute over childcare. Would any of us be happy if we dropped all the extra curricular activities. Would anyone be happy if I struggle to afford property with enough space for us all!

Yes I'm not modelling a relationship that I would like my children to emulate but I am trying my best to give them the best life that I can

To the people in unhappy relationships…solidarity 🩵Do you think the children notice or do you fake it? This is my worry for my Dd

Following please ! Another one thinking of their next steps xx

As your children are very little it does sound like you’re really at the coal face at the moment. I’d say it’s best to focus on what you realistically want now for you and your children. There don’t need to be decisions about the future.

As a PP said, as long as you don’t feel trapped and this isn’t ruling your life, then I understand why you wouldn’t want to leave. But do try to find ways enjoy your life in the day to day. 💐💐💐

I’m with you OP
Thats my marriage
I don’t like him but I don’t hate him and my children would suffer if we split. I would have to work longer hours to finance everything and extra curricular activities would have to go
i stay and try to make the best of it

I’m with you OP. You also say you have young children. It’s inevitable your marriage will be a bit meh then I’d say ….

Maybe there’ll be better moments I. Your marriage? Maybe this is a lull?

All the people saying leave and be free . I’m not sure what sort of freedom being a single parent with 2 children, working and having to pay bills along in this day and age? I would struggle all the time on my own (time wise, money wise etc) and maybe my marriage is better than a bit meh but I think I do actually quite enjoy the companionship soemtimes 🤷‍♀️

My marriage was abusive but it’s not an easy road being single and doing it all alone. I’m worried about my future, I’m lonely and I feel sad when I’m away from my children. If exH wasn’t abusive I would take him back for sure.. I would rather be able to sleep at night than lying awake worrying

Depends really. It's hard when the kids are little especially if you don't like the way he parents. I expect he isn't very happy either. It might get better when the kids are older but then again it might not. If you are truly unhappy then leave but you won't be able to control what he does when he has them.

It's. not obvious that a crappy relationship is better than a divorce situation.

For one thing, divorces can often make people incredibly adversarial, and kids definitely do not benefit from both parents hating each other and bad mouthing them constantly.

They also often struggle in blended families.

Ime kids don't give a shit if parents are happy but they do care if they are. If parents are separated and have new partners and a blissfully happy but the new partner only just tolerates the kids then the kids are not happy.

I left my marriage but only because it was abusive. If it had just been "miserable" think I'd have stayed. Losing the kids for half of the time was truly heartbreaking 💔

@Newsenmum is that best for my children though? Half a home with me and a man they aren’t related to - which statistically is the most dangerous thing you can do to your children - and half with their dad? So I’ve got a few days a week to myself, which I’ll have if I stay anyway.

I don’t feel trapped. I could leave. I just genuinely don’t see the point I suppose! 😂

@Sunquest i don’t think he’s unhappy, to be honest, he’s got the good deal in this relationship to be sure. But even if he was he doesn’t really bother to talk to me which is no good really.