To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

@gannett I absolutely could not agree with you more on any of this.
I'm a feminist - and that I make no apologies for - and I'm pleased my now husband respects and accepts that in a way my first husband never did.
My first husband literally would have gone absolutely batshit if I had dared to remain a Ms MyLastName. How incredibly disrespectful(!) My second husband added on to his when we married ❤️
My husband is more "masculine" than my ex would ever know how to be... even though he's not a high earner and...wait for it...had a vasectomy!!! #legend.

To answer your question- sometimes it is better to stay in a marriage that’s a bit shit. For the time being at least.

You sound very smart OP. Make a plan.

Get your salary up asap. Get some good childcare in place. Don’t have any more kids. Allow your own indépendant life to flourish (eg have your own friends, career, hobbies, routines, priorities). Look after your own physical and mental health. Get a therapist to discuss life.

See how things go in the next few years. When your youngest is at school (the time will go fast!) reevaluate the situation.

My DCs are adults now and I stay with OH because I don't want another woman getting her hands on his massive pension pot. I've worked just as hard for it and it is half mine. I divorced two husbands, and the process is expensive, shit and all-consuming. He is generous with money but treats me like a housekeeper. The money allows me to do what I want. There is no romance, no sex, no intimacy at all. But I can live with that. He is lovely to DCs, is honest, reliable and works hard. I could do much worse.

I spent too long thinking like this and stayed in a crap relationship.

The relationship is crap for a reason or reasons, so listen to them. For me those reasons would be a red flag enough for me to think long term this will only get worse. “A bit crap” is usually the beginning of a downhill slope that might already involve abuse that is just being minimised at this point because you’re still with him and will just get worse.

You said he is lazy and can be unpleasant and whinges a lot. Doesn’t help out. That shit won’t change, and like I said, listen to those reasons why your relationship is crap. I know you say he’s not abusive, but not all abuse is physical. If he’s lazy, unpleasant, whinges a lot and doesn’t help, then it must be taking a toll on YOUR emotional health mustn’t it? That’s emotional abuse you’re putting up with. I know you don’t want to label it as that, but you’re putting up with his shit behaviour that is obviously making you question whether you are happy with him. You can obviously see some red flags.

A bit crap usually = never going to get better / downhill from here.

I understand the dilemma you are in, and I have been there.

I think you need to accept that if nothing is going to change in your relationship and your partner/husband won’t talk about it - you will eventually leave sooner or later.

With that in mind I would suggest you find out what your options are. Divorce?, financial, benefits etc. think of it as your long term financial assessment forecast. Knowledge is power. You don’t need to do anything about it, but if things get worse, you will know what your options are.

Then do what you can to improve things. I wished I had set up my own private pension years ago.

knowing all this, may give you motivation to have a very difficult conversation with your husband. Do you think he would agree to relationship counselling if you asked? He may be willing to change if he understands how unhappy you are.

I stayed too long with my husband. In the end I went to a therapist. I finally realised I was unhappy in my marriage because my husband was a bully and I was being emotionally abused.

The thing is where is the line that is too much? This is what I have found hard but I think now I have reached it. I have a largely silent husband who has little or no conversation with me and who rarely suggests doing anything at all. Prefers to stay home. They say you become like the people you spend the most time with and when home I am now lethargic and moping... I am usually cheerful, social and lively.. Yes we are all under one roof but at a heavy cost. He's not happy either but wants to stay together no matter what

I think it comes down to the problem of how to deal with a bad man, whatever you do he will try to punish you for it using whatever levers he has access to.
If you stay with him he might be slightly less belligerent but then you have to put up with the constant presence of him trying to dominate and control you for his benefit.

He's not happy either but wants to stay together no matter what
Because he has greater access to you which allows him to take out his misery on you and that makes him feel a bit better.

Thank you.

Our problems very much began post children. I actually found a thread of mine a few months ago I started a month or so before I had our first child and I had to smile a bit wryly as my naivety was both touching and stupid 😆 We were going to be equal parents. Of course, that didn’t happen and three and a half years later I’m fairly sanguine about that fact.

I think what I’m mostly feeling is lack of appreciation for all I do do - but then if I don’t do something my god I know about it. For all I know DH would say the same. I have to do so much planning in terms of what to cook, where to go, what to do, fill the days, sweep and mop. Laundry laundry laundry. Wipe a surface wipe a nose, put the toys away for the 150th time. I don’t regret it. I love my children. But yes it is drudgery and I am quite intelligent (forgive me!) and I do want more but never get it because I always have small children. And even if I did go off for the day and leave them with DH which always gets pushed on here I’d come back to ten times the work the next day so what is the point?

I think if he noticed - if he was to say - what a brilliant job you’re doing - it would be fine but he doesn’t, he’s just accepted as normal.

Well... I don't know if that's sadistic but what I do know is while I'm turning into a lethargic, absent person, his main priority is continuing it rather than acknowledging the need to to our separate ways..

But surely you’d be doing all this anyway? I didn’t realise your children were quite so young. I think you said you’re still on maternity leave?
Maybe give it while these are the hard drudgery years.
It’s a decision only you can make. I wish I’d done it earlier though. You don’t always realise what you’re dealing with until it stops.

He wants control, it's much more easy and convenient for him to control you if he's in a relationship with you.

Do you think so? I don't think he is controlling me tho, tho he is big on control I think, as is his dad.

When I was married I went through stages of feeling like we should split up but I had carved out a nice life for myself within the marriage and felt that was enough.
In fact he left me and actually did me a big favour. The initial few months of heartbreak were worse than I would have thought but once I got through that literally everything was so much nicer and I just hadn’t realised how acclimatised I had become to things I shouldn’t have. I was guilty of thinking being single would be miserable and it was such an eye opener to find out the opposite to be true.
As far as my DC are concerned they didn’t suffer from our split, they were 10 and 13, but we were both meticulous about sticking to access,he never messed me around financially and neither of ever said a bad word about the other. Also there was enough money to go round so although I had to restart my career at the bottom mid forties we had a nice home and all of life’s necessities.
Fast forward 14 years and one DC lives with him and for various reasons I am in his house almost daily!! The four of us get along fine when we need to eg Christmas lunch and this helps so there isn’t the constant having to split key events for the DC which when XH was married was horrible.
Of course I can never know how I or my DC would feel now if we hadn’t divorced but I would bet my last dollar I would be utterly miserable suspended in emotional aspic unable to leave and I thank my lucky stars he left taking the decision out of my hands

@Tlolljs ”But surely you’d be doing all this anyway”

Well. Yeh 😂 Hence the raison d'etre of the thread.

Oh, Pylonfree - this was me (although only 2DC which I am sure makes things easier) BUT and it is a huge BUT... after 10 years of your current life, something flipped about 18 months ago and now my DC see just how little their Dad actually does for them.

I truly thought it would never happen, mine adored their Dad unquestioningly and always had an excuse why he couldn't go to parents evening or take them to the doctor etc etc. He also used to trash me to them, aaaaall the time - just horrendous!

Not anymore - as DC mature, they really do understand what you do and how much you support them. Daddy might still be fun but can't be relied on, can't be trusted to follow through, will never be told the important life stuff! You will... it will come eventually.

Hang in there - you're doing an amazing job, truly

As for the original question - I'm obviously divorced and was long term single (bf of just over a year who hasn't met my DC yet!).. it was hard, exhausting, financially very wobbly at times - and still is, if I'm honest - but our little poky house is our haven, it's the place where my DC can really be themselves, it's full of silliness and laughter.. worth the short term pain for them! Mine were small when we separated and so don't really remember me and ExH together - this is their normal and its pretty great!

I can see you're really weighing up the pros and cons and will no doubt make the right choice for you. But you also only have the one shot at life - don't make it a 'meh' one!

Yes I understand. If you’re doing it all anyway then it’s almost irrelevant. It will have no bearing on your decision to stay or go?

I’m not making a decision. I didn’t start the thread as a ‘what should I do.’ I’m staying, certainly for now.

I really do think uneven relationships don't work. Someone essentially giving up their career after having children, while the other person's life carries on pretty much unaffected? A recipe for resentment and all sorts of financial difficulties down the line, ime. It then feeds on itself as when children are older people start thinking they can't now afford to split as they don't have much of a pension, they couldn't afford to stay in the family home etc etc. Maybe the relationship can improve again once the children are older and the default parent can go back to their career, but if a lack of respect and resentment have built up between parents over that time then I'm not sure it's that simple.

I think a lot of people have spoken convincingly about staying in relationships in which 'the spark' has gone but there is companionship and mutual respect/friendship and cooperation, as well as economic benefits to both. But I'm not sure that's the same as staying in a relationship in which one person is unhappy and the other is sailing on regardless, happy with how it's going for them.