Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

my stepchild out of the blue

i doubt the step child would think that it was “out of the blue”

How old is the child?

Now 14. Other step parent left their home nearly 2 years ago bcoz of their behaviour and accusations.

How old was the child at the time? I think that makes a big difference. When I was reading what you wrote, it sounded originally like you were speaking of an adult child. But if the child is now a teenager, then they were 9/10 at the time?

Most 9/10 year olds don't make up malicious lies about a parent without something serious going on. By that, I don't mean the lies were true. What I mean is that a 9/10 year old doesn't make up horrible things about their parent/stepparent if their childhood is a good, happy one and both parents are truly good, supportive parents. Something will have seriously gone wrong for that to have happened. It could be abuse by someone outside the family. It could be witnessing something. It could be serious mental health issues. But these things don't come out of the blue.

I can see you are upset, but actually I'd have a lot of compassion for that child who must have been going through something quite tough at the time. And also, how very brave of them to come around and admit they were wrong and seek reconciliation at such a young age. Many adults would struggle to do that.

whatever happened in the past, a father has to make it a priority to build a relationship with his child. Mistakes can’t be blamed on a child. Something had to precipitate everything that happened. He clearly failed last time. He has another chance to make it right.

now realistically, it may cost him his marriage. You can set boundaries to protect yourself. He can and should have a good relationship with all his children, regardless of what happens between the two of you.

He should ( if he wants) build a relationship with his kid again, but that being said, this does not need to happen in your home at the expense and detriment of you of your kids so he can go elsewhere to spend time until you feel comfortable.

this is MN so you’ll be the b!tch step mum and the kid will be the golden angel, but we in the real world know you are entitled to your boundaries and you should stand firm on them.

I totally agree with what you have both said. I am not against my husband having a relationship with his child. Or indeed our DCs, just gradually. I think I rambled on a bit out of nerves, etc.
I loved that little girl like she was my own, and it broke my heart to lose her.
What I really meant is AIBU for not wanting a relationship with her or having her in our home?

and how on earth do you know that?

What I really meant is AIBU for not wanting a relationship

no

or having her in our home?

hell. yes

None of these things are unreasonable OP. The rational amongst us will know that, the step mum hating folk will tell you you’re evil. But that isn’t true. YOU don’t have to forgive horrible behaviour or put your career at risk, not your circus and not your monkey, all you need to do is allow your husband to have a relationship with his child if he wants too. That’s it.

@brocollilover I know because their mother told my mother in law

Yes, YABU.
how would you feel if this was your child?
They are a CHILD ffs, you’re meant to be the adult here…. 🙄

As long as it is her father’s home, it is also her home.

if it isn’t safe for her to be there with you, he needs to move out.

the poor child appears to have mental health issues that would be a focus of mine if i was one of her parents

You say you're not against DH having a relationship with his DD but it sounds like you are interfering in their ability to see each other if you block her from the house.

I think you don't need to have a relationship with her yourself but you may to compromise more than you're planning to to facilitate her relationship with her Dad.

It's a very difficult situation but it sounds as though she was a very troubled child. I understand that it's hard for you but I think you would be unreasonable if you refused to have her in your home. She is his child and she is reaching out to him . If she isn't allowed in his home the message she is given is that she isn't welcome.

how long ago did her parents split?

It’s hard to follow all of this but I would expect the child’s father to want to facilitate a relationship and for all of his children to do the same. The property is presumably equally his, so yes YABU to try to ban the child from it. Your relationship or lack of one with the child is up to you.

@brocollilover, she was just a baby.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally thank you

@Notreat she isn't welcome by me and I know that sounds awful, but I wouldn't feel safe with her here and would be terrified to be left in my own with her in fear of what she could say or do. By her mum's own admission, she has also been violent.

OP, you are not being unreasonable.

Its your house and those of your children, your step daughter has behaved not very well, and cant just walk back into your lives. Your career was put at risk and their allegations could have caused wider issues.

My husbands son, has made up lies about me, he has gone no contact with my husband but if he were ever to come back in contact with him he would not be welcome in our home, he would have to see my husband and prove himself and very gradually (years) he maybe able to come to the house.

What my husbands son did was terrible and made my sons life hell.

We all have boundaries and all the people saying its a child, should really think about it, would you put yourself at risk from further allegations that could cause huge fall out.

@brocollilover You appear to have an agenda about this stepchild situation which is coming across as you being obtuse, strident and uhelpful. I am sure you would love to welcome a child into your home that had levied serious accusations against you, necessitating disclosures to your employee. Stop with your nonsense. No help or guidance is offered by you just ignorant comments.

YANBU. Given the significant impact on your lives, you are right to say no to this, at least for a couple of years.

DH can rebuild his relationship with her by having days out or holidays with her, she doesn't need to be welcomed back into the fold so soon.

this was a 10 year old child that went NC

10