Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

They have continued the lie for 3.5 years, and are now 14!!

You define making allegations, that have caused massive issues to the OP as "something" ok then.

The OP has banned the SC from her house at the moment, to safeguard her and her children, while her husband builds up a relationship with his daughter, should she roll out a red carpet and serve drinks like a good SM.

@TeenLifeMum Are you able to comprehend the magnitude of the allegations and the devastating impact this had on the OP and her family? Or are you just too busy swearing about awful it is?

I think you are being unreasonable. Whatever she did as a 10 to 14 year old, it's obvious she's been a very unsettled and unhappy child. You could start very slowly with her just popping in with her dad and saying hi to her siblings, having a quick cuppa before heading out with dad for the day. I think you have to give it a chance but take it slowly, baby steps and see how it goes.

Otherwise I fear your own marriage will suffer. Your DH wants his DD to rebuild her relationship with you and her siblings and if you refuse her that chance, it may well change how he feels about you.

@TeenLifeMum I'm asking nothing odd the sort.

Do all those having a go @littlemiss85 and sympathy for the dsd feel it's OK she's not apologised or admitted lying to anyone else?
With the parental alienation I doubt I'd trust either her or her mum. Who's to say the mum denies the lie admission?

@littlemiss85 the lies told at dds school, is that the now 14 yos school or another child's?

@SiousieSoo as I said in my first post, it’s really tricky and I suggest family counselling. I cannot comprehend abandoning my child because of something they did at 10. There needs to be some serious conversations but the child needs her dad and I don’t believe banning her from her dad’s home for something she did age 10 is appropriate. Yes boundaries are needed but not that. Writing a dc off at 10 is awful.

I think a lot of people on here are very naïve. I was a teacher for a long time and many people wouldn't believe some of the lies children tell and how manipulative some can be. Certain allegations can cause so many problems and so much damage, destroying people's lives. OP needs to proceed very carefully and so does her husband. It seems very reasonable to me to not have any contact with her and leave the girl's father to meet her elsewhere for a good long time. Protect yourself and your children OP. Good luck.

For crying out loud, Jon Venables was a CHILD too. Shall we just exonerate him while we're at it?

Yanbu, she may have been a child but she isn't one now. Her actions had major consequences for everyone, she doesn't get to be welcomed back and forgiven as if nothing happened. His right to want to have his child in his life but she is no one to you and proved how she can blow up your life. I would leave if it meant having her any where near you or your kids.

This sounds like an awful situation. I think you need to go very slowly. If she does come to your home, make sure you are never alone with her.

cards on table

what i say is “why the heck would anyone ever be a step mother?!

what i do and what i will never do is date a man with children. Don’t want to subject them to me as a SM and most importantly, my children to a blended family and sharing their home with another man / other kids

but that’s by the by!.

op

I am guessing there is very very little that would stop you from wanting to rebuild a relationship with your 14 year old. Even if said child had made up malicious lies about you / their step parent when then were 10; even if they hadn’t apologised yet.

correct?

so your dh will be like this.

So…
say not at home and entirely separate to you and your children until a prolonged period has passed where no drama and she has proved herself

and if he says no,” i want my child in my home and forming relationships with her siblings again”…. then you just need to ask yourself if you’d put down the gauntlet of “if you don’t do this, then it’s over”

Give it a rest @brocollilover your perspective is clear, you’re verging on harassing OP.

OP, it sounds horrendous, I’m so sorry. You’re not stopping him seeing her and trying to rebuild a relationship but keep making it clear that keeping your children, home, career safe aren’t negotiable and that means he needs to see her elsewhere.

my last post…. harasssing? where?

This thread is wild and only a couple of other posters have said what I am going to say.

Why hasn't this child had a mental health assessment or any counselling? Given the enormity of what happened as a consequence.

And honestly that would be my boundary. Unless that happens and there is some kind of acknowledgment or process there is no way I would expose myself or my DC to any further risk.

Risk taking should be reasonable, this is not a reasonable risk.

@brocollilover is right Op, as her Father your DH will be far more ready to forgive and forget, he doesn't really trust her but he wants to go back to normal and pretend nothing's wrong. Trouble is now he won't want to lose her again so he'll let her have her own way, it's going to be very hard for you to hold a firm boundary if your SD asks to visit. You may have to make a very hard decision here Op if your DH really starts to push for this

Has the child had any therapy ? So we're her lies believed all this time until 6 months ago.
Her father should have tried to support her no matter what all this time. Her mother left to deal with her all on her own cant have been easy either.

This is tragic all round. This young girl was ten? When she made these accusations and the behaviour has escalated?

everyones focus should be on this child’s mental health. Something has gone very wrong in her young life.

I understand your need to keep your children safe - and I also understand your husbands need to reconnect with his child who is clearly very vulnerable and unhappy.

I assume he has considered family therapy?

It is not the things she did then, but the person she is now. OP needs to assess that before she can make decisions on how she proceeds.

And who is only back in the OP's life because "police became involved".

Yes, OP doesn't have any reason to be reluctant at all, wicked SM that she is!

It's a difficult one because obviously it has to be DH's decision to see his child but your priority needs to be protecting yours.

I think DH is being unreasonable to not at least have a few months buffer period in which he sees the child alone. He has equal responsibility to his other kids and needs to consider how opening the door to SC could negatively affect them.

Would he agree to eg 8 weeks, then reassess?

He needs to accept that others in the family do not need to readily forgive DSC in the way he has.

The 10 year old child set out to ruin the OP's life, "personally and professionally"?? She is a child of a broken home, not some Machiavellian villain.

@Nowayhayday did you read the OP or did you just see op is a step mother and decide she's wrong? As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years.

No contact for four years is really an extreme reaction from a parent to a ten year old.

yes her behaviour was also extreme - but most parents don’t cut their primary school age child off because of challenging behaviour. If both parents did this what would happen to the small child.

Also No contact is a term usually used between adult family members who decide contact isn’t worth the pain/hassle. It’s jarring to hear it used in connection to a fathers response to his ten year old daughter’s behaviour.

I am not in any way minimising what this child did - but she was, and still is, a child. A very damaged child yes but one who needs a lot of professional help. It’s awful her dad cut contact for so long.

OP can and should chose to prioritise her children- however her husband really shouldn’t have walked away and should now do everything he can to get this child the help she needs.