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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family drama

266 replies

littlemiss85 · 05/04/2024 15:39

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

OP posts:
TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:02

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 17:44

yes

if i was the OP (not that in. month of sundays i ever will be. I would be terrible as my children will always be my priority and i don’t want to share a home with any child aside from my own) then I would be very stuck.

but if i was the DH, not a chance anything or anyone would prevent me from rebuilding this relationship and, if the choice was my spouse or my child… no brainer. I’d be packing my bags

Show quote history

So OP is doing right by her child in your eyes stopping the step child from coming over, her husband can do what ever he wants!

Op is doing right by not having his child in the house

That was a quick change of opinion Brocollil

DoreenonTill8 · 05/04/2024 18:04

Prydddan · 05/04/2024 17:58

You have every right to take your own time on this, and to set safeguarding boundaries every step of the way, given that the previous accusations had consequences for you.

For example, start by meeting her outside the home for the first time, without your children, and keep it light.

Gauge her behaviour.

When you feel comfortable, reintroduce her to the siblings, and then into the home. Think hard about when you feel comfortable having her stay/ being alone with her

Don't rush it. If she is as apologetic for past behaviour as you say, she should understand the gradual approach. As should your husband, given the profesional and social toll of her previous antics.

I think you've got to work with him on this one because, if you split, your children might end up spending time with her without you around.
Good luck!

Edited
Show quote history

She's not apologetic, she's not admitted she's lied to anyone other than her mum, and hasn't apologised to anyone.

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 18:05

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:02

So OP is doing right by her child in your eyes stopping the step child from coming over, her husband can do what ever he wants!

Op is doing right by not having his child in the house

That was a quick change of opinion Brocollil

Show quote history

no re read my posts

if i was the dh… i would not accept this because my child and i’d be happy to split over it

if i was the shudderSM then i’d be off . but id be off in any scenario wherein i was a SM

but the idea that this child at 10 should be held accountable for things she did 4 years later… seems harsh

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 18:06

to me this child sounds very very troubled

and all her mother seems to be doing to bitching to her MIL about it. Or the OP herself.

forrestgreen · 05/04/2024 18:08

'Dh your decisions on this impact on my job. I cannot bring a child into my life or my house where a child has lied about me. These lies could make me (loose job?) and that's a step too far. You carry on building a relationship with your dd at your mums or take her out but that's my boundary. Please respect that's

Aquamarine1029 · 05/04/2024 18:09

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 17:22

this was a 10 year old child that went NC

10

Show quote history

Yes. A 10 year old who was capable of perpetrating a massive lie for extended period of time, causing a massive amount of damage.

The op would be a fool not to be very, very wary of this child.

DysmalRadius · 05/04/2024 18:10

So he's respected your boundary for six months and now he wants to revisit it. That seems fair enough, or are you expecting her to never come to your house no matter what? Is he not taking no for an answer or do you think he shouldn't have asked at all?

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:14

brocollilover · 05/04/2024 18:05

no re read my posts

if i was the dh… i would not accept this because my child and i’d be happy to split over it

if i was the shudderSM then i’d be off . but id be off in any scenario wherein i was a SM

but the idea that this child at 10 should be held accountable for things she did 4 years later… seems harsh

Show quote history

I would also be happy to split up with my husband if he did not accept my boundaries.

The child is not apologetic and has only told her Mum that she lied.

The OP is right to not want a relationship, your boundary is that you would never be a SM, the OP is that she will not have a child with a history of violence, making up accusations against her, in hers and her children's home. Simple.

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 05/04/2024 18:14

@DysmalRadius it had been 6 months but only met up 5 times gor a couple hours each time. Its all to rushed

OP posts:
IAmThe1AndOnly · 05/04/2024 18:14

You can choose to have nothing to do with this child, but IMO that means you need to leave the relationship. Because you can’t dictate that your DH only have a relationship with her on your terms.

It’s his house too, so if he wants her there then that is his right.
Not wanting a relationship with her is understandable. But reality is that when you enter into a relationship with someone who has children, then the difficulties of those children also become a part of your life.

And as much as people are saying that she is responsible for the situation she is in now, at the time she was a ten year old child. Whatever she’s done, there is clearly something seriously amiss for a child to in act in the way she has, and that shouldn’t just be dismissed.

Runnerinthenight · 05/04/2024 18:17

User11223344 · 05/04/2024 18:01

Sad that so much blame is being placed on the child’s shoulders. They are a CHILD! They don’t just become “difficult”, sounds like they have been through a lot of upheaval. I feel for them the most and would be doing anything to accommodate their relationships with their parents and siblings (while also protecting these children too).

It's not about "blaming the child" - it's about protecting the rest of the family from a child who at the age of 10, was vindictive enough to make up a load of false allegations that caused harm and distress to the family!

@littlemiss85 You say the behaviours have got worse in the 4 years? I would be extremely wary. Remind your DH about what she put you through - what a devious little madam, troubled or not!

Stick to your guns. This can't happen quickly, for everyone's sake. Remind your DH of the pain and havoc she caused before. Maybe you could progress to meeting her with your DH at your MIL's now and again, and see for yourself whether you would be comfortable having her in your home? I would want her to prove that she has changed and isn't going to pull the same stunt again!

Runnerinthenight · 05/04/2024 18:19

littlemiss85 · 05/04/2024 18:14

@DysmalRadius it had been 6 months but only met up 5 times gor a couple hours each time. Its all to rushed

You're right, that's not much! He'd need to have seen her a lot more than that in my book!

How is he getting on with her? Has she ever told him that she lied when they've met?

DoreenonTill8 · 05/04/2024 18:19

Agree with @Runnerinthenight for me the concern would be if you did split, you have joint custody and then dh allows unsupervised contact with your young dc?

Original poster
littlemiss85 · 05/04/2024 18:20

@brocollilover I honestly respect all you have said. In terms of her mother I didn't want to go down the bitter ex route but parental alienation had a lot to do with it. Also this same mum got her daughter her own lawyer 4 years ago to respond to her dad's lawyer (take from that what u want) she's getting her help in the last 6 months when police became involved. Getting help now is how my husband has came back in contact.

OP posts:
shenandoahvalley · 05/04/2024 18:20

I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to protect your livelihood from any further accusations. If you think having her in your home would increase the possibility of such accusations, then you wouldn't be unreasonable in not wanting her in your home if you're there.

Equally, I think your DH needs intense time with his DD, and if he wants to have her in his home where they can both be comfortable and they can talk, she should be allowed to be there. He's her dad.

You married him, knowing he had a child. I think in these specific circumstances, the right thing would be for you to leave your home (that you always knew was also open access for your SDD) for the time that she's there. Take your kids out, go visit family, have time to yourself. The house is your DH's house, your DCs' house, your SDD's house too. As the person with options and the adult, I think you should agree to this at least for a while.

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:23

IAmThe1AndOnly · 05/04/2024 18:14

You can choose to have nothing to do with this child, but IMO that means you need to leave the relationship. Because you can’t dictate that your DH only have a relationship with her on your terms.

It’s his house too, so if he wants her there then that is his right.
Not wanting a relationship with her is understandable. But reality is that when you enter into a relationship with someone who has children, then the difficulties of those children also become a part of your life.

And as much as people are saying that she is responsible for the situation she is in now, at the time she was a ten year old child. Whatever she’s done, there is clearly something seriously amiss for a child to in act in the way she has, and that shouldn’t just be dismissed.

The reality is that the child caused issues and the fallout was huge, a step parent is not a parent as many say on MN, and understandably the OP is safeguarding herself and her children.

My husband would never invite someone that I did not want in the house, imagine if your husband brought someone into the house that you did not want there.

The OPs husband can choose if he wants to leave the OP, her boundaries should be respected, lots of people have relationships with others that their partners have put terms on. The OP is not saying that he can never see his child.

TeenLifeMum · 05/04/2024 18:29

It’s tricky. You’re basically saying that a 10 year old who makes mistakes loses their dad. I think that’s a harsh punishment. She’d just had a step sibling born and was possibly hugely jealous, hormonal and struggled with those emotions. Yes the behaviour was awful but to refuse her into her father’s home (which should be her home too) is unfair. Would you turn it back on your biological dc at age 10?

I would suggest family counselling. At 14 she’s old enough to understand the impact she’s had and reach forgiveness. Dc make mistakes - some small and some massive but how the adults around her act will have a huge steer as to where she ends up as an adult. Time for your dh to parent through this and for you, as his with to support him and both be the adults.

TeenLifeMum · 05/04/2024 18:30

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:23

The reality is that the child caused issues and the fallout was huge, a step parent is not a parent as many say on MN, and understandably the OP is safeguarding herself and her children.

My husband would never invite someone that I did not want in the house, imagine if your husband brought someone into the house that you did not want there.

The OPs husband can choose if he wants to leave the OP, her boundaries should be respected, lots of people have relationships with others that their partners have put terms on. The OP is not saying that he can never see his child.

Show quote history

So the op is asking her dh to choose between her and his child? How fucking awful.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 05/04/2024 18:30

Am I the only one wondering which a children who has obvious serious issues to the point of making unfounded allegations where the police and solicitors were involved, hasn't been referred for therapy or mental health assessment?

Surely,that has to be part of this, as much for the child's sake as everyone else's?

Your DH is right to want to rebuild a relationship with her but he also should be concerned that if she has had some sort of therapy to understand what she said and why it was wrong, then it's unlikely that her issues just resolved themselves over time.

Nowayhayday · 05/04/2024 18:34

There is something very off about the OP's post. She really doesn't like this set up does she

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:35

TeenLifeMum · 05/04/2024 18:29

It’s tricky. You’re basically saying that a 10 year old who makes mistakes loses their dad. I think that’s a harsh punishment. She’d just had a step sibling born and was possibly hugely jealous, hormonal and struggled with those emotions. Yes the behaviour was awful but to refuse her into her father’s home (which should be her home too) is unfair. Would you turn it back on your biological dc at age 10?

I would suggest family counselling. At 14 she’s old enough to understand the impact she’s had and reach forgiveness. Dc make mistakes - some small and some massive but how the adults around her act will have a huge steer as to where she ends up as an adult. Time for your dh to parent through this and for you, as his with to support him and both be the adults.

This was not a mistake, this was a lie that continued for 3.5 years.

The OP is not saying that she SC can lose their Dad, the OP is saying that she does not want her in the house at the moment, and is safeguarding herself and children.

The OP in time could see that the SC has tried, made apologies and is showing that she can change. The Dad has only seen his child once a month for a few hours.

OP husband has only seen his child again because the police become involved, honestly the police do not become involved with a 14 year old unless serious behaviours/crimes have been committed. I also think that social services have become involved as a Mum I know that I would not want my children to become involved in all of this.

TheSpoonyNavyReader · 05/04/2024 18:36

TeenLifeMum · 05/04/2024 18:30

So the op is asking her dh to choose between her and his child? How fucking awful.

Show quote history

No she is not, she has said that she does not want the SC in her house and around her children, he can see his child at his Mums, she is not stopping him.

Not fucking awful at all.

DoreenonTill8 · 05/04/2024 18:42

Nowayhayday · 05/04/2024 18:34

There is something very off about the OP's post. She really doesn't like this set up does she

Well of course the OP should be welcoming with open arms a girl who lied and tried to personally (to some success) and professionally ruin the ops life. What's not to like?

TeenLifeMum · 05/04/2024 18:43

@TheSpoonyNavyReader a child being banned from their father’s home because of something they did age 10 is pretty fucking awful.

LakeTiticaca · 05/04/2024 18:44

Protect yourself, your reputation and your mental health and above all protect your own Dc . This child obviously has issues.
Think carefully about whether you want all this, with a child that isn't yours x