Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

@CallMikeBanning in regards to us. Her dad was accused of being an abusive gambling alcoholic. I was the stereotype awful SM n hurt her.
Her step dad from what my MIL said it was accusations of inappropriateness (again proven lies)

she sounds very very troubled

and her mother sounds unsupportive. Would i be correct in that assumption?

but how would she be able to come to that conclusion if zero contact? genuine question!

OP has she had a mental health assessment or any counselling?

and i’m guessing the relationship between you and you DH with the ex is very poor?

@brobrocollilover I think it suited her. She said she thought she was supporting her by believing her n getting her a lawyer (in the convo she had with ny MIL)

@jeaux90 we know there is social work input n school doing stuff but we know very little as on the outskirts of ot all

Because she can hear what her husband says, what the child does to make up for her lies, a letter and respecting OP boundaries.

Until then the OP is quite correct to maintain what she feels is the best for her and her children, as the OP says her husband has seen his child 5 times for 2 hours each. The OP also said that her husband is only seeing his daughter because of police being in contact with the child (I would also say SS).

yes i agree
i don’t think the op should be forced to interact with her (or indeed anyone)

The DH needs to have time with her to really get a feel of what’s going on and how she is

The OP also said that her husband is only seeing his daughter because of police being in contact with the child (I would also say SS).

i missed this. presumably that was the instigator rather than why he wants to

Why help has the child had? This appears to have been overlooked.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees as I've said we don't fully know as he's not been allowed to be involved. There is still no significant communication with other parent

suited her how?

im guessing negative relations with her and your dh (and you)

and it would seem you don’t think she’s a stand up mother… so this girl presumably has had a pretty rough time of it over the last four years just with her mother

had he progressed things legally, he would have been “allowed to be involved”

The power balance here is all screwed up. At 10 the SD lied horribly to please her DM by the sounds of it, that worked for her and she used that tactic again to go rid of her SD. It's a terrible life lesson, lie on a grand scale and get your own way.
Unless her DPs get her into therapy the Op's never going to be able to trust her, lying has worked too well for the SD in the past.

A similar thing happened to us. Our dss was 12 and accused my husband of giving him a bruise on his leg (which he had already told me he got at school). His 8 year old brother and him lived with us at the time but they wanted to live with their mum so he got his dad arrested and it was awful. After a few years of nothing we got to see them again. I was ok with an occasional visit but wasn't thrilled after the horror show of them being taken off us and my husband thinking he was going to jail. Then at age 16 my husband texted me one day saying the dss who accused him was "moving in with us for the forseable" to try get a job!!! I was fucking furious but no one gave a shit about how I felt, it all got brushed under the carpet. I still don't get on with my dss to this day

@brobrocollilover I wouldn't call her a bad mum. Just someone who let their own insecurities influenced bad choices.
In terms of suited us she wanted us out the picture. Within months of no contact DSS had her name changed to steolp dads

I agree with this.

The 10 year old was believed, and tried it again and won with the step-parent leaving. Unless they get help, I fear this will be the course of their life.

Lie, win, everyone farts around them, admit the truth, then lie, win etc etc

@brocollilover it wasn't ad easy as that but we did try. It was the begining of covid courts weren't hearing cases. We were told its be upto 2 years for court by then she'd be 12 and if she told the court she didn't want to see her dad that would have been that.

@ChinnyChin2 it's now a case of the girl that cried wolf. All her own doing

For example, start by meeting her outside the home for the first time, without your children, and keep it light.

When you feel comfortable, reintroduce her to the siblings, and then into the home. Think hard about when you feel comfortable having her stay/ being alone with her

Whoah, you’ve jumped from 0-60 here. OP does not feel comfortable meeting DSD or having in her home and this absolutely needs to be respected, given what OP went through.

So none of what you’ve said should happen.

You can choose to have nothing to do with this child, but IMO that means you need to leave the relationship.

Nope, if DH isn’t happy with OP setting boundaries and protecting herself then he can leave the house and get a divorce.

Stop putting the onus on the woman.

Dear Lord, they are a child, and your husband's child, to boot, OP. This must have been so difficult for your husband. Of course you absolutely need to welcome this child with open arms - you have to be the grown up here.

So what?.One of my daughter's friends was a fantasist and a liar from 8 (when I first new her) onwards. She lied about anything and everything. Years of therapy.

Now in her 30s, she still tells lies of the most outrageous sort.

If the child is a dangerous liar, she is a dangerous liar. It is sad, but a fact. And the OP can't afford to be ho-hum.about it.

A child can do terrible things.......shall we name a few John Venables, Scarlett Johnson.