Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

No it was this conversation that he dropped in n myb she can come here for lunch soon. He's knows by my reaction that it was a no but like I said we haven't had the conversation yet that this isn't what we had agreed upon and he's changing the goal posts.

And the next step is the statement, not the ask "that was great wasn't it, she should just stay longer next time, in fact why not do that now? You don't have a problem with that do you???"

Exactly and this is why I'm so against it. If he's pushing boundaries just now and I relent ill.only be forced into something I'm not wanting and won't go well

It's interesting that the only reason DH was invited back into DSDs life was because the shit hit the fan when her Mum wanted her out of the house 'for the sake of her other child' but DH wants her around his other children.

I can understand why he might not want to spend time alone with her (with her history of lying) but it sounds like he wants to bring her to yours so the onus isn't purely on him to entertain her.

So when he inevitably raises it again following next weekends lunch with his DD and parents….

are you clear what you’re going to calmly stipulate to him?

This shouldn't be one person's decision, your DH shouldn't push you into accepting her moving in and you need to set that straight, if he puts you on the spot knowing how you feel I'd seriously have to question the relationship between you and him.

It's not as simple as just letting a DSC move in with you, this girl has, by the sound of it, told some awful lies that have affected not only your life but others too and for 4 years she kept it going, possibly still not corrected certain authorities that she lied.

I wouldn't wait for the next meeting and to see what he comes out with I'd tell him that the boundary was set and she isn't moving in anytime soon.

I'd also want her to prove she's sorry, responsible and grown up enough by informing everyone involved that she lied, if she refuses to do so ask her why, being embarrassed isn't the answer.

If she's not will to do that at the very least and although it is your DH home too, she wouldn't even get past my front door.

As @Crumpleton says, I’d be upfront, OP, and not wait until they next meet up. Just state that given what’s happened in the past (and how serious it was), you and your children need to take things very slowly with DSD. It’s going to take years to move on from what’s happened.

You’d be foolish to put yourself back in the line of fire. You have your own children to protect, don’t put yourself in the position where you’re once again at great risk of having your life and career blown up.

You’re not obliged to accept ill treatment. I don’t doubt that this girl is troubled, but it’s not your responsibility to accommodate and help her at the expense of yourself and your own children. Her being troubled may explain her behaviour, but it doesn’t excuse it, and it doesn’t mean you have to suck up what she did to you.

Oh no she is not moving in. That isn't even on the cards or it would be catastrophic for my marriage

Yes. I just don't forsee him responding calmly

that sounds like a thread in itself

so when he raises again
and you calmly respond with our ultimatum
and he refuses to accept

have you established what your response will be? as sounds like an inevitability

At the end of the she's still his daughter, and i know he will get defensive of her and my lack of compromise.
I don't plan on going in with an ultimatum. I plan to remind him of the boundaries I'd set in November for myself/our kids and how his recent chat goes against them.

i think the key is to not rule out her ever coming around or being with her half siblings again

you need to be clear that the ball is in her court and if she can prove herself over a prolonged period of time….then you may be open to more contact

is that accurate though?

It's accurate for my children interms of contact. Just not me, I'm done.

fair enough

but does that rule out her ever coming to the family home. ever?

My experience as a mum to a child who had to spend time between 2 households is that she struggled with it massively to the point it did affect her mental health. But we were so intent on her knowing both her families that we carried on. It resulted in my dd saying things her father denied (my view is there was a level of truth to it but it wasn’t quite as dd said). Because she was tired of the whole situation. We have to try and see things from their perspective and what they might be trying to say. They need to work on their relationship and perhaps have a bit of time alone and a bit of time reintegrating with you guys. I think you and your partner need to think about how you will protect yourself and children too but I don’t think you can completely cut her out either.
I wonder if family mediation or therapy may help for a few sessions? We went through mediation. It gave dd a chance to say her feelings and it helped us all. We are still working on things and going very much at DD’s pace because what I hadn’t realised is she felt forced it caused resentment to build up . If I did things over I would have stood up a long time before and said this isn’t working

I wonder if your DSC could have been unhappy with how things were?