Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

Personally I don’t think he is moving fast- 5 meets over 6 months isn’t an awful lot, I’d say it was slow paced and reasonable given the circumstances.

i also think that its way too soon for the sd to be visiting the home. If your children want to meet up then parks, aquariums, or many many public places for short visits can be arranged. If you wanted to do that too that’s also an option. But it would be months if not longer before I let that child into my home where all sorts of accusations could be made.

she clearly needs counselling and support. The cynic in me lap wonders what she wants given 4 years of nc….

@Bellyblueboy is it not the dd and her dm refused to see him, hence the 'parental alienation' mentioned?

but the child was only ten - the dad could fight for access. Four years is a long time not to see such a young child. She clearly was in desperate need of one parent to fight her corner. It sounded to me like the dad gave up.

Sadly I agree with you@Cestfoutu . It sounds as if serious allegations were made and the OP can’t risk her own and her children’s lives being destroyed by further allegations.

Your suggestion that your DH sees his DD at his Mum’s home is a sensible one. They can gradually rebuild their relationship and you/your children can rebuild your relationships with her at a later time.

I agree with PP’s that she needs some sort of outside support such a counseling as she has clearly been very troubled, poor girl. Your DH needs to accept this and organize it for her.

Parental alienation and lawyers have been mentioned, I wouldn’t call that the dad giving up. No doubt there was a very unpleasant court process undertaken that the OP was stuck in the middle of.

Also, if she’s been violent, it’s not safe to have her in the house with her younger siblings. At 14, she’s almost adult-sized and could seriously hurt them.

This is all well and good until said child decides to make up more lies. If that's the case and I'm taking ops word for it then adults do also need to safe guard themselves to. Yes the child's interests are important but no to ruining your life knowingly. The child and the adults clearly need supervision from ss and or therapy to get them through to the other side and to get to the bottom of why said child says the things they do. This must not be glossed over. There is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed and i don't think the family should attempt contact on their own for the time being, if that means she can't go to their house for now then unfortunately that's how it needs to go.

We live in a world where, sadly, if abuse allegations are made we act first and ask questions later. Sexual assault, physical abuse, you name it and reputations are ruined and careers ended. Yes, it's a ten year old child but poisonous accusations are no less painful. She was likely coached and manipulated by an adult (I'm looking at mommy dearest) but she made allegations enough to drive an adult out of the house and cause harm against her father and step mother-she needs intense help and the family needs joint therapy. Sadly a child throwing a hand grenade is no different than an adult throwing the same

@littlemiss85 yabu a parents love for their child is unconditional. He can't keep up a relationship with his child seeing them in a park for the next 10 years or forever and your kids will want to know them when they are older anyway..
Let's face it, if it was the other way around and your child, you'd forgive them and expect him to suck it up and welcome them back in. As it should be.

Anyone who thinks children do not have a false narrative are utterly deluded.

Has their been any therapeutic work done with the child. I would want a safety plan in place to protect everyone. Is everyone sure she was lying sometimes it's a safe person they blame.
Your reservations are perfectly valid

@littlemiss85

Has the DSD actually said she wants to come to your (joint) home? Has she expressed any interest in 'reuniting' with you and/or your DC? Or is this just your DH's pipe dream of 'happy families'? These are questions I'd want answered before I contemplated any change in my feelings/the status quo.

If the DSD has (on her own) expressed interest in reuniting, then I might be willing to see what can be done. BUT it would have to be facilitated with the help of a family therapist working with DH, DD, and you. But it would be a slow, gradual process and I would have to have the right to say no if I felt DSD wasn't sincere in her 'repentance' (for lack of a better word) or if she had MH issues that did not appear to be resolving.

You don't mention how old your DC are but I assume your youngest is 4-5ish and your older DC old enough to have been affected by their siblings rejection. I would demand that I had final say in any contact between my youngest and that my eldest (depending on age) be able to decide what contact they want (if any).

I'd also speak to my boss, explain the situation and ask what, if any, affect on my job if I should be in contact with DSD.

If the above absolutely would not work for you, I'd tell DH that if he wants DSD to come to our house, fine, but that he must give advance notice and that our DC and I will absent ourselves.

He says he's an adult and he's prepared for any upset in the hope it doesn't happen.

But what if that hope is unfounded and it all starts up again? Your career and mental health at risk? Your children's education disrupted by having a different school at avoid her there? Never being able to let down your guard?

Has your husband seriously considered the ramifications of just having her in your/your children's home? Are you considering separation from your husband to keep yourself and your children safe? 🌹

I agree with this. She was 10 at the time and only 14 now. She needs empathy, understanding and therapy. Perhaps in time she will apologise or acknowledge her behaviour and at 14, that’s going to be really hard so I would shelve that expectation for the time being. Right now she’s at a difficult age and tbh things could go either way, especially as there has been police involvement. In your position, therefore, I wouldn’t be saying never. I would be saying his dd needs therapy and going to your in laws for the time being. Then you’ll reassess regularly until trust has been re-established.

I understand you’re really hurt, concerned about future allegations and want to protect your dcs. She is still very young and I would be careful to just say no forever when apart from anything else, it may not be in the best interest of your children.

I would also take into consideration that her mother has played a big part in this and alienated her from your dh. If this is true, she really wasn’t acting on her own volition, and perhaps she has become violent towards her mother because she is rebelling against how she has been manipulated. At 9 or 10 she couldn’t fight. At 14 she can. So I would be careful to not create an obstacle if this is the case.

I would therefore be pushing for her to have therapy, involving your dh some capacity in it as well. Perhaps family therapy or a child psychologist if you have the funds.

For me, it would depend on who exactly she made accusations about and what the accusations were.

I personally wouldn't have unsupervised contact with a person of any age who made an allegation of abuse towards me.

In addition to the child's wellbeing, there is also your own well-being, your career, and your own children to think about. A false allegation towards you can have big consequences and it's not wrong to take precautions given the history.

Would you be willing to build a relationship with her if she had help with her mental health and was putting in the 'work' to improve her mental health?

I feel for her, reading between the lines she was potentially thinking the lies she made would get her approval from the other side of her family but I also understand you need to protect yourself and your children.

THIS
similar happened to a very good friend.
They have her now back in the home but my poor friend was heart broken at the time.
Said child had poor health and many hospital stay (when my friend would camp at the hospital with said child )
The child made lies up about my very gentle, loving friend- which child admitted later, once she realised that, living with the bio mum who had abandoned her , was not the bed of roses she thought it would be, and then the child was desperate to go home to step mum - my friend.
It took a good year before was allowed back.
It's going very well though.
Bit of a hiccup with vaping - child 14 now.

From reading this thread do some posters genuinely think that it doesn't matter what dsd has done in the past, all the lies, the refusal to apologise or admit the lies, the damage to op and her dc, the high liklihood she'll lie again, the dsd is the priority in everything and op and her dc are just to be collateral in making the dsd happy? Because they are of course 'second family'?

Sounds to me like it was the child (whose mum provided her with a lawyer, we are told) who went no contact, not the dad.

and how will she if zero contact

Tall tales? What sort of tall tales?

10 years old

10

10

and her parents had split

10

Because the OP, does not need to see the girl, speak to her, until the OP believes that the child is sorry and can be trusted.

@Bellyblueboy we were the ones cut off. Her mum went no contact. Ignoring lawyers letters, blocking numbers etc. We did not refuse to see her!

@Prydddan exactly this

@brobrocollilover they split when she was months old. I met her dad before turned one. Had been in her life for years. Its important to say the lies where worse about her dad than me.