Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

DH is not behaving rationally IMHO. His daughter has made false accusations against him, and against her now ex stepfather, accusations which have also tainted you and affected your career.

And he wants to bring her into your home. 😳 Someone ( not you) needs to point out to him that the last time this was happening, disaster ensued. Is there no one in his life ( a parent, a priest, possibly the lawyer who acted for your family in the last kerfuffle) who can point out the dangers and irresponsibility of just forging ahead with this plan?

Yes, he has a responsibility towards his child, but he also has a responsibility towards his wife ( you) and his other children. Contact outside the home for the time being seems to be the obvious solution.

Exactly. dad and step mum have tried nothing, but are already out of ideas. Smh

So totally their fault then, and her DM who she lives with is of course nothing to do with seeking help for her?

when do you plan on having this chat if he’s really applying pressure to move the agreed boundaries?

Give over and stop hectoring. You have spectacularly failed to comprehend the serious and deep seated issues this girl has and the fact that she is dangerous. Maybe she is sociopathic and has no capacity for insight or regret. All you can see is a child but sociopathy can be present in children as I understand it.

yes but won’t be identified if no therapy and, at 14, she can’t pursue herself

Not sure you can force a child that age into therapy if she does not want to participate. If she is fundamentally incapable of being honest I don't think therapy will work at getting to the heart of the issues.

it doesn’t seem to have even been suggested let alone pursued

@littlemiss85

Just that there's social work who have put things in place etc

Has your DH spoken to the SW since he's begun seeing his DD again, and what the SW's advice is as far as reintroducing her into your family circle? It may very well be that it's not even in his DD's best interests to start reintegrating right now. If she doesn't fully understand the damage she did, and is not truly remorseful for it then perhaps it's not in her best interests to ignore the elephant in the room or to act like all is forgiven.

Right now it sounds as if he's sort of flying blind, not really knowing much about his DD's actual mental/behavioural health.

I'd also think it would be something the SW should know in order to integrate your DH into his DD's care plans.

@Concannon88 what are u on about. Out of ideas? Where did I say this. I am not her parent and my husband has little say as it is at the moment.

My husband is still very much in the dark with what exactly is happening. There is no open communication with DM. Most of what we know has been disclosed to MIL by DSD or her mum. He's trying to establish regular contact before jumping on n scaring her off with forcing her into help.

I'm on about you not wanting much to do with it before any solution has been tried. Your husband also sounds like a wet lettuce and incredibly lack Lustre when it comes to his first born.

I wonder if her mum has had enough and attempts are being made to move her in with dad? At least part-time?

I’d insist on SW funded assessment by a clinical psychologist. After all the girl has admitted to telling malicious lies and is violent. This isn’t standard teenage behaviour.

Irrespective of whether therapy is pursued or not, it would help shed some light on what the issue is and what the outcome might be.

If, as someone has suggested, there are sociopathic tendencies, then I suspect the focus might be on behaviour management rather than absolute change. But any future accusations would be considered in light of this diagnosis.

No you're not unreasonable to protect yourself, your own DC and your job from possible further lies. That includes not having her in your home. If your other half doesn't like it though, I guess all you can do is separate.

You are coming across as a deeply unpleasant bully now.

YANBU..

At 10 she was very young to make up lies that could have caused you and your DH to be pretty much prosecuted, if it did get that far.

Now she has told her DM that she lied I'd expect her to let everyone else that was involved at the time know the truth, to me if she hasn't/won't I'd see that as her not facing up to what she has done and personally while I'd never stop her Dad from seeing her I wouldn't want to be around her.

I always feel a mugger will mug you.
A murder will murder you.
But with a liar you never know where you are.

The solution is he spends time with her away from our home and family. When appropriate her sibling can join them. Why do I have to be part of any solution? I'm not her mum

Honestly I wouldn't meet said child, allow to bring her to the house or allow any sibling relationship until some time passes.
Like 4-5 years of her meeting her dad and not doing anything abnormal. She's lied, she's violent, even her own mom can't deal with her anymore. I wouldn't endanger the wellbeing of my children just to please DH

op you say you and your dh need to sit down and talk this through properly

why don’t you do that rather than invest you energy in this thread?

Agree with this 100%

So she's not apologised (does she even think she has anything to apologise for)? Has she indicated any kind of remorse or regret for her previous behaviour?

I would want to know a lot more about what work Social Services were providing, what MH issues we could be dealing with going forward, the reasons why her own mother wants her 'out' (that just smacks of your DH being set up to have her permanently at some point in the future) before ever considering her stepping one foot in our home.

How old are your kids now? How on earth would they be able to deal/cope with the knowledge that she could be a permanent fixture in their lives again? Your DH needs to take their feelings/boundaries and also yours into account before he's allowed to ride rough shod over them.

He's in between a rock and a hard place. Horrible situation for him as I'm guessing he wants to do what is best for all of you but for me, it would be a 'no' for having her in my home before I had satisfactory answers to a lot of questions.

@brocollilover I need time to calm myself down and no go in guns blazing which I feel right now I would.

when is he next due to see her?

@littlemiss85
sounds like you have a very sensible attitude op.
it’s going take time.
Years even.
these things cannot be rushed.
Tough love needs applying
If not every problem dsd has will be met with lies and manipulation.
she won’t learn this over night.
and I too would be keeping my kids well away from her.

He's just seen her a few days ago for lunch. It's her birthday this week so he had mentioned lunch again with her and his parents.

and mentioned you and his other children joining?