Family drama

[littlemiss85]

4 years ago, my stepchild out of the blue didn't want to see my other half, me, sibs extended family, etc. As things escalated (lawyers etc), tall tales were told by said child (proven reinforced learnt behaviour)to justify refusal to see us.Being in the job I am, I had to inform my employer of some of the content. Also, tall tales were said to school, which DD also attended. Made to feel like criminals, shunned by people, etc. Resulted in no contact for 4 years. In the last 6 months, the other half has been in contact with said child. Via other parent in a half-hearted apology acknowledged that all said 4 years ago was all lies. In the 4 years we were absent, behaviours and accusations escalated. Thus far, we have kept out DCs away from meeting their sib, and I have made it clear that I do not want a relationship with the now teenage child or have them in our home. Arguments had occurred but came to an understanding n things had been OK. However, the other half now wants to invite the child to our home. He's changing our agreed boundaries already, which I feared would happen.
Our marriage went through a rough patch as he suffered and tried to cope with his child refusing to see him. One DC has already gone through being shunned by their older sibling n one no memory as a baby. I'm trying to protect myself, my kids, and my career. Now I'm worried about my marriage again if he pushes for his oldest to be welcomed back into the fold.
AIBU

I think you entirely reasonable not to want contact with this child or have her in your home. I understand her father sees things differently because she is his child, not yours. He can have a relationship with her as he wishes. That doesn’t mean she has to come into your house. If things go well for a long time you might or might not want to reconsider.
It amazes me the vitriol on here which appears if a stepmum dares to question a stepchild. Set your own boundaries, you have every right to. 14 is old enough to understand her past behaviour (and at 9/10 you know what is truth and what is a lie) has had consequences and it will take time for her to be trusted again. A more useful life lesson than being able to lie and cause serious trouble and everyone around just excuses you.

Yes you started your nonsense before you even knew this. I do not know what happened but I know that I would not want a child in my house that had made those accusations against me. Would you? Are you stating as fact that this child did not do this based on what......? My husband was a secondary school teacher and an 11 year old girl made accusations against another teacher, which were totally unfounded and put the teacher through hell. So yes this is possible. Stop being so ignorant it is not a good look.

Its amazing on another thread a child throw a guinea pig after he was bitten younger than 10 (I think 8) and everyone was up in arms and how cruel he was and what sort of person was he and he should never go to the house again.

A child, in this instance should just be allowed to continue where they left off, ok then.

where do i say continue where let off?

but yes… the father should be allowed to rebuild his relationship and that will likely involve his home and other children

the boy in question showed zero remorse only continued anger about being bitten

You are very much of the Do as I say, not Do as I do school of thought aren't you? Very easy to be so high handed and moralistic when it is not your life that was torn apart. The father can start to build a relationship with his child away from the home.

You said the OP was being unreasonable to not let the child in the house, do you think that the OP should leave the house when the child wants to come round?

So in your eyes everyone should just forget- bonkers.

This girl made up things that could have made the OP lose her job, and other consequences.

Also did you read the bit she is violent but the OP kids should be put at risk because the step child always comes first.😒

So what happened that a 10 year old went NC then a mere 2 years later she was abandoned by her DM? Did she go into care - is she still in care? YANBU to not want contact at all, just don't rush into any quick decisions.

In the last 4 years behaviours have escalated and they've become violent, and suddenly want to reunite?...
I'd be thinking they want to move in full time, once your dh and you all are suitably reticent and grovelling to them (so no rules at home!) as expected on mn from a step parent!

It was the other step parent. Not her DM. OP states that quite clearly.

yes

if i was the OP (not that in. month of sundays i ever will be. I would be terrible as my children will always be my priority and i don’t want to share a home with any child aside from my own) then I would be very stuck.

but if i was the DH, not a chance anything or anyone would prevent me from rebuilding this relationship and, if the choice was my spouse or my child… no brainer. I’d be packing my bags

Can I suggest OP, that whatever you or your DH decide to do with regard to his child, that you both keep a diary of EVERY time you see her, giving some quite precise detail of what takes place. The reason I suggest this, is if she made unfounded allegations as a 10 year old, as a vulnerable and doubtless moody teenager, this could easily happen again, and you both need to be in a position where you can clearly prove when you saw her, where you were, and what you did, should anything else be alleged. Personally I can totally understand your not wanting to build a relationship with her again at this stage, but given time, you may feel differently about it. Maybe it's a case of 'never say never?'

@ my step daughter has only admitted lying to her mum about it all and has not apologised. Now my husband is frankly afraid to bring it up in case she stops seeing him again. He's just glad he's got her back in his life in some capacity.

where’s he been seeing her to date?

what does he say about his daughter?

@KidsandKindness thank you for your advice

@brocollilover then he can leave and meet her at his mums (where hes then be staying) or he can respects my wishes and meet her there anyway?

@brocollilover he takes her for lunch/dinner etc.
He is wary himself. Only takes her to public places and as a joint decision out DC will attend a different high school to stop them attending school together.
He however is bringing up the subject of inviting her here even though he knows I do not want that.

Then he's ridiculous and setting himself up for some interesting dangerous times.

@DoreenonTill8 I've expressed my concern for him. He wasn't in a good place four years ago when he read what she has said about us both.
He says he's an adult and he's prepared for any upset in the hope it doesn't happen.

You have every right to take your own time on this, and to set safeguarding boundaries every step of the way, given that the previous accusations had consequences for you.

For example, start by meeting her outside the home for the first time, without your children, and keep it light.

Gauge her behaviour.

When you feel comfortable, reintroduce her to the siblings, and then into the home. Think hard about when you feel comfortable having her stay/ being alone with her

Don't rush it. If she is as apologetic for past behaviour as you say, she should understand the gradual approach. As should your husband, given the profesional and social toll of her previous antics.

I think you've got to work with him on this one because, if you split, your children might end up spending time with her without you around.
Good luck!

forever?

how old are your children?

when did her parents split?

so you’re willing to split over this? (i would be but then again…. i’d never be a SM in the first place!)

do you think he’ll be willing to split over this?

I think it's more the case that OP isn't safe if the child is there.

I have a sister I've been NC with for decades. She used to lie maliciously all the time, as a child and as an adult. I stepped away from her as soon as I could. I don't want her in my or my children's lives as I know what she's like, and her inevitable false accusations would then involve my family. My mother tried to have a relationship with her for years but had to eventually send her a solicitor's letter to get her to stop the false accusations. The whole family is NC with her now.

Sad that so much blame is being placed on the child’s shoulders. They are a CHILD! They don’t just become “difficult”, sounds like they have been through a lot of upheaval. I feel for them the most and would be doing anything to accommodate their relationships with their parents and siblings (while also protecting these children too).