Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

Yes it's unreasonable to suggest anything of the sort.
Go to the wedding and sit where you're asked to FFS, or don't go at all.
That poor bride!

I think it's a fair enough question but i would go with whatever the couple decide

It's their wedding it's one meal I am sure you and her dh can survive one meal for their sons sake of having a balanced top table.

So my DH and his ex wife who practically hate each other should be forced to sit together for appearance sakes? It is also not me that has the issue here.

DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

For the majority of the day? Surely not - how long can a meal and speeches last?!

I'd sit where you're asked - with any luck your dss will feel able to assert himself and have some say in who sits where. Or his mum might kick up a fuss.

You should play it cool and not make a fuss.

The parents don't usually sit together on the top table though, do they? I've usually seen FoB with MoG, and MoB with FoG.

Doesn't answer your question, but would prevent them sitting together if it is awkward.

Our family dynamic is different with only one step-parent, who didn't raise the children getting married. Step-parent sat with other family members, not on top table.

Its tradition for the MOB to sit with FOG, and vice versa.

So they don't need to sit together

It’s not your place to suggest anything and it would be perfectly normal for only parents to sit at the top table. It won’t be awkward if they make the effort. For this one occasion, step parents need to take a step back and support what the marrying couple want. They never asked for step parents.

She isn't bridezilla for wanting a seating plan.

It would be silly to have all those people up at the head table too.

Mum and dad should be up there, presumably you'll be seated with folk you know, and it's only a couple of hours anyway and the rest if the day you will be with your dh.

@hedgehoglurker is right, at our wedding top table was both sets of parents mixed up, so the parents weren't sitting next to their own spouse (or in this case their own ex spouse)

When I got married I was in the groom’s position. I had my biological (divorced) parents on head table with stepmum and step siblings on the adjacent table nearest father. Admittedly, although their divorce was anything but amicable, they are civil for my sake so were fine sitting together for the meal so this made things easier. Stepmum was totally understanding as it was the most logical setup. If there are going to be noses out of joint, a discussion with those involved is hopefully going to help, with particular emphasis on ‘your sitting position should in no way dictate our ongoing relationship’. It’s just one seat on one day.

I’d echo the first comment - turn up, sit where you’re asked, make the best of it and have a nice time. If there was one thing that made me wish we’d eloped, it was people sticking their oar in, however well meaning.

For this very reason we didn't have a top table. Well we did, but no family, just bride and groom plus their best man and his wife, plus matron of honour and her partner. Worked a lot better for us and warring parents were able to avoid each other.

We sat with our friends for our wedding (long tables) with parents next to us / friends opposite but mixed in.

Those top tables always look so miserable and awkward. everyone else having fun on the tables on the floor and the top table looking awkwardly out.

id do away with it personally!

In these circumstances, surely they would sit the mother of the bride with the father of the groom, and the father of the bride with the mother of the groom?

What the bride is suggesting seems to be the norm. If your DH really feels he can't hold his bitterness towards his ex wife at bay for a few hours during the wedding reception for the sake of his son the bridegroom, then he needs to take it up with his son and future daughter in law and find a solution that works for him and his ex wife. You should stay out of it.

We didn’t have a top table, makes life a lot easier, and had round tables for everyone so easier to talk to more people

I went to a wedding where the brides parents and their new partners were all seated at the top table. Her mum and dad detest each other but you'd never have known

Yup- same here. My Step mother made a huge fuss about lack of tradition etc but I took no notice. Top tables always look tedious.

We did same - us, bridesmaids, best man & the ushers. DM & DstepD and DF and DstepM then hosted their own tables of close family & it worked out much better

I agree with this - it’s always been the same when I’ve attended weddings where the parents don’t get on, even one where the marriage had ended due to adultery. I’d worry about two adults who can’t put aside their differences for, at most, two hours, for their kid.

YABU to call someone a "Bridezilla over minute details" and then nitpick about those minute details.

What usually happens is brides father sits next to grooms mother, and vice versa so DSS’s parents won’t have to sit next to each other at all.

my dad and his wife kicked off majorly at my brothers wedding where they had this kind of top table. They ended up sitting where they were asked to sit but was very childish and unpleasant for everyone, especially as dads wife was sat with other family members she’d known almost as long as dad.

when DH and I got married we didn’t have a traditional top table to avoid this kind of shite, but as with PP I think if the B&G have chosen this set up the parents and steps should all just suck it up in silence.

you’ll not be sitting with your DH for the length of a meal. No big deal.

@TaylorZ

DSS needs to stop being so wet & say what HE actually wants. It's his side, bridezilla needs to go with what HE wants, but he needs to hurry up & bloody decide!

if I were planning it, I'd have you, DH, his Mum & her partner.

its easy enough to balance up with the table with the bridal party.

As you've mostly brought him up, you should definitely be at the head table with DH.

If they can’t sit where their child wishes for a few hours for their wedding day then I assume neither are particularly loving or caring parents.