Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

Again, the poor step mums on here... It sounds like the OP did a lot for the SS and he should really not put his parents in this situation either.

I have no time for selfish, inconsiderate behaviour by brides and grooms. OK, so the groom's parents are no longer together. Rather than being unkind to both of them, and to the step parents as well, just get the best man / bridesmaid to sit with the couple at their table. Far more fun anyway.

Parents can sit in couples with their own friends.

Or, have all couples at the top table. I have seen that too.

I really do not get the "it's the bride's day, she gets to create tension for everyone as long as the appearances she wants are preserved" thing. It's not even her parents: if she'd had a sentimental attachment to having her parents at the top table, I would get it. But here, she is showing no sensitivity at all to her husband's family. Pretty crappy attitude imo.

OP has no idea of this is the case. She is blaming the bride and saying her step son doesn’t have a view either way.

that’s very convenient - and typically sexist and misogynistic. Evil bridezilla and poor downtrodden groom.

nowhere has OP said her stepson wants her at the top table.

Personally I think if the bridge is the one bothering her arse to organise things, put effort into meeting with people, going to wedding fayres, making decisions etc and the groom just sits there going “whatever you want dear” then yes she has more of a decision. Not that it’s relevant here as the groom is fine with the decision

There's a very simple solution here. Have a sweetheart table. My ILs were mid divorce and MiL fucked us around over attending until saying no as late as possible. My ILs are both shy anyway and my parents are team FiL - neither wanted to be with MiL. We were really worried until someone suggested this. We found it easier to sit the 3 in attendance with respective family and friend groups. Esp after my mum tried to dictate seating. Everyone had a nice time sat with people they actually wanted to sit with.

I'd do it again and if I were this bride I'd junk the lot of you to sit with suitable relatives and friends. No one really looks at or cares who's sat with the b&g anyway. They're looking AT the b&g.

As previously mentioned, mog normally sits with fob, separated by married couple then the opposite on the other side. I’d just do what the bride wants (presuming you spoke to the groom-does he have no say in the seating? and suck it up for the meal/speeches then move.

Something similar happened in our family.The Brides Father and his Wife did not end up coming to the wedding, she was given away by her Brother.Five years later they are no longer in contact and I can’t see anything changing..Nothing to do with me, I could see both sides but all very sad and unnecessary if only one of them would have compromised.

Is a round top table a possibility? You could fit more on and it would be less obvious? We had a round top table which was nicer as we could all actually talk rather than feeling like we were sat waiting for a bus and nobody was gawping at us while we ate x

Stop suggesting changes to this couples wedding! The decisions have been made. OP’s husband doesn’t like it and is trying to get his wife to interfere and cause trouble.

OP is already pissed off at the bride - is already calling her nasty, misogynist names. This will get worse and the poor bride and groom will just remember his step mother trying to change the wedding seating plan.

I doubt your dss dislikes his mum as much as you've implied. If he did, his wife to be would be aware and highly unlikely to insist she sat at the top table with them. I've got to be honest it reads to me like jealousy on your part. My ex's new partner absolutely hates me having anything to do with him, and you sound similar. None of this has anything to do with you. It's down to your dss and your husband to sort if it genuinely bothers them. You go, support your dss and enjoy the day. As do his parents. You're not joined at the hip, and being seated separately for the meal is not a big deal. It is, however, a big deal for him to be able to have both his parents sat with him at his wedding despite their differences. And your husband needs to put aside his feelings for his ex, and make it about his son, ditto his ex. Sounds like it must have been horrible for him growing up with parents who wouldn't put him first, maybe they could do so for a couple of hours now?

I’m still not really understanding why there can’t be a bigger top table? We had 10 on ours - me, dh, mil, fil, my mum, step dad, my dad and step mum, chief bridesmaid and best man. It was absolutely fine and no one felt left out or alienated. Everyone had a nice time and that was what was important to us - not how it looked. I genuinely can’t understand why the OP dil is so opposed to this. Just get a bigger table. It won’t be the first time that the venue has come across this problem.

We had this situation at our wedding so at our head table we sat my mum with his dad and my dad with his mum with us as a couple in between.

That way everyone was comfortable and everyone who should be at the table had a space

Because @Bellyblueboy sometimes other people have an opinion or idea that they may have not considered! Chill your beans!

Who said its the dil who won't allow it? Maybe the son wants his parents to put their differences aside and celebrate for one day with him. If he didn't want it it would be very strange for his wife to be to insist on it. Chances are the son is more likely to be able to share what he really wants with her than with his step mum

Possibly because the bride and groom have decided they only want certain people at the top table and have made a deliberate decision not to include their respective step parents?

do you seriously expect to understand complex family relationships for a couple you have never met? The step son may not actually like OP. The bride might hate her step father - or might not want OP up there! We have no idea why the couple has decided this - and to be frank either does OP.

there seems to be a refusal to accept the decisions taken by the bride and groom here. Everyone else knows better😂

I had my divorced parents on the top table at my wedding.

We had a long table, rather than a round one, so it was easy to keep my parents apart. My mother sat next to my husband's father, and my father sat next to my husband's mother. The two couples were separated by my husband and me, the chief bridesmaid and the best man.

I imagine my husband's parents would have preferred to sit together, but they understood why we had separated them, and didn't ask us to change anything.

I put my stepmother next to my father's sister and his brother and his wife. She knew them very well and, as far as I know, was perfectly happy there. Certainly neither she nor my father ever commented on the seating plan.

We decided against a top table. I found the whole tradition of sitting in a straight line not necessarily with people you know weird, and relatives of those on the top table sitting elsewhere rather odd.

Instead we hosted a table with the best man and his wife and bridesmaids and their partners. FIL hosted a table with his relatives, MIL with hers (they are also divorced). DM sat with her family. It worked nicely. Everyone sat with people they knew and liked.

You are wrong and I don't need to nor will I explain why.

I'm definitely not 'pissed off' at the bride.

You are wrong. My DSS refers to his mother as 'a fucking mental case' on the regular. I have no need to be jealous in any way shape or form, as previously stated I don't give a shit where I sit.

Sounds like an awful bunch of people! ‘Bridezilla’ should run for the hills!

@Bellyblueboy It would appear ex spouses hating each other is rather standard, judging by half the women on here. But if that makes us all an awful bunch I'll take it.

I’ve been in this position. At DD1s wedding, all parents and step parents sat on the top table. At DD2s wedding her MIL and partner sat together on the top table but her FIL and his wife didn’t. My SIL isn’t close to his DF and didn’t even want him at the wedding, so there’s no way he would have been on the top table.
If your DSSs fiancé is insisting on an arrangement whereby several main guests will feel very uncomfortable, she’s not being very aware is she? Why would anyone want their guests to feel uncomfortable at a wedding?

But he wants her there. If he didn't his fiancee wouldn't be inviting her and sitting her at the top table. Unless you think she is just ignoring what he wants? How he talks about her when you're around is irrelevant. If it isn't what he wants it's for him to sort, not you or your husband. If it is then you go along with it, because your job on his wedding day is to be there to love and support him. Not to kick up a stink about whether or not you sit with your husband.

My parents and step parents all hated each other and they were an awful bunch when it came to the few things involving their children they all had to get together for.

Every event, wedding, graduation etc has been filled with dread, instead of joy because someone always isn't happy and it's always about outdoing the others.

We don't do any 'full family' things now and just invite friends to any family milestones as it's not worth the stress.

Their wedding their choice.

I've worked at lots of weddings and often in these circumstances the b&g have a "sweetheart table" just the two of them and everyone else has tables according to the drama... or the b&g, bridesmaids and groomsmen are top table, waring parents kept well apart. BUT it's their wedding and you have to make it about them not you all, and if the parents can't just get along for one day for their child it's a bit silly!!