Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

This whole thing is why the top table at our wedding will just be me, DP and DSS.

DP’s Dads family have a table, then there’s a table with both our mums on, and then a bridesmaids and groomsmen table. Much easier and less arguments.

Then why are you bothered? Let them sort it out?

What has your DSS said? Does he have strong views?

If not, then just go with the flow. It's a meal, they won't be sitting together and if it makes the bride happy and DSS isn't fussed then what's the problem? These things really don't matter that much (especially not the whole notion of you being "disrespected"- they're presumably not seating you out by the bins) and certainly not as much as maintaining good relations with DSS and his fiancee.

The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both. fair enough though if they go for traditional seating they can sit his dad by her mum have them in the middle then have his mum next to her dad.

DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.

Then he should get over it.

DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day you'll cope

Nope see my previous post for a way around it

Yes why can't he say no he's not happy. I'd be worried about the future of the relationship

^ OP said the DSS was 'not phased' which sounds like he is not bothered either way. He is chill...maybe take a leaf out of his book, OP?

(Also It isn't snide to call a Bridezilla a Bridezilla. As previously stated we get on well.
**
Yikes.

If I knew my MIL viewed me as a Bridezilla, we probably wouldn't be getting on as well as she thinks we were.

If she’s being traditional they will be sat at opposite sides of the bride and groom anyway not next to each other. If tradition isn’t that important then your dad should pick who he wants there and not just have people there for the sake of it. I had an unusual line up at my wedding. It made sense and people felt more
Comfortable because of it but my mum didn’t agree even though it didn’t really affect her.

So for one meal, they can't set aside their issues for the sake of their son? It's one meal.

Of course it should be the parents at the top table. YANBU. Why does it matter you are not sitting with DH? It's the bride and groom's day. I think your DH is expecting too much.

As per many pps I can't really see why it would be an issue for the grooms parents to both be on the 'top' table . They won't be sitting next to each other and presumably love their son and will hopefully be able to put resentments aside for the sake of the bride and groom. Most of the wedding is not spent sitting at the meal and it is quite normal for family members such as you, groom's DSF and siblings to be scattered around the tables for social purposes. In any case it is a decision for the B&G and not your concern . I don't think you or your DH should be making your thoughts on the matter known.

No they should act like grown ups for the sake of their son, not squabbling children.

I would dispense the the top table altogether. It’s a stupid tradition that causes lots of problems and means nothing.

Had friends and family have this issue. Even for those who don't get on only the DM and DF were on the top table, not the new partners.
As others have said Grooms parents do not normally sit together, father of groom would normally sit along side mother of the bride and same for mother of groom/father of bride.
However it is up to the individual couple to say what they would like, they could easily have both sets up there.

My DD didn't have a top table. We had round tables throughout.

DD and her DH hosted one, with the bridesmaids, the best man and his DW.

Her DF hosted a table with his immediate family, my XP who brought her up did the same and DH and I hosted another table with DD's BF and her DH among others. It worked really well,

At my SD's wedding, I was on the top table, although I did not want to be and would rather have sat with DH's family, but I couldn't get out of it. Awkward as DH's XW was further down the table and even after 30 years they do not speak.

I have 2 adult stepdaughters and have a great relationship with both . DH and ex had a very acrimonious split many years ago and barely spoke for years yet at both girls’ weddings they put aside differences (as they should )and sat at the top table and I and ex’s DH sat at other tables . No problem at all . The parents won’t be beside each other anyway if the seating is done as it usually is.

Stop fussing about a wedding that is not yours. Sit where you are told to sit. Most weddings have Mither and Father of child together even if they don’t talk to each other

OP it seems like cruelty towards the mother. She hasn’t had as much contact with her son growing up and now her ex is trying to displace her from head table at her son’s wedding. Surely you and your DH should be trying to encourage a positive relationship with DSSs mother rather than continuing to throw up blocks and assert yourselves as better parents?

This is one of the reasons me and long term DP haven't got married. Two sets of divorced parents who would make the whole day about them. We'll just wait until they're dead.

Oh fgs IT IS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT! Stop with your demanding attitude and either sit where they seat you or do them all a favour and stay away.

hi op as someone who has had similar concerns over parents at weddings I avoided by not having a top table I think they are a bit naff tbh.

HOWEVER. -the ONE thing you can do here is just be the reasonable one! Be the bigger person when others are getting their knickers in a twist.

Its not 'for the sake of appearances ' is it - its because they are his parents!

I actually agree with you that it's silly to sit them both up there without their partners BUT this is NOT your day - its hers! It will all be over in a few hours and there just is no need for other adults to fuss about it.

I would gently make other suggestions then let it go.

I think the whole top table malarkey is old fashioned and inconsiderate

In this situation I wouldn’t go

in the end this is one meal - everyone needs to calm down and just accept the bride's decisions - it really isn't a big deal.

This

I think it's a shame that grown adults can't put their differences aside and be civil on their child's special day.

I would be speaking to my husband about how it's important to make the day special for the couple and to go with their wishes. And then you and he should sit down with the happy couple and discuss what they want to happen. If they want her mum and dad on one side and his mum and dad on the other then I would accept that but ask him to think about whether his mum will accept that and if she won't would it be easier to have her and her husband on the top table and you elsewhere? Or would it be easier to have the two sets of parents mixed up as is traditional? Make sure they are making the decision and that they know you are not being difficult about it - if the mum is that's not your problem.

As soon as my half sister announced her engagement my mum started to gently prepare my dad for the scenario of her step dad being asked to walk her down the aisle and for her mum and step dad to be on the top table and my dad to not be. My sister is lovely and a people pleaser and she did ask her step dad to walk her down the aisle because I think she thought her mum would be upset if she didn't and my dad was fine with it. His sisters were apparently furious but my mum and dad calmed them down. And my sister had the three sets of parents on her top table. Though if she'd wanted her mum and actual dad it would have been fine as they were always civil.