Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

So tell your husband it's not a big deal, you won't feel disrespected as you understand it isn't about you and just want them to have a lovely day. Everything will then be peachy.

You appear to have an issue which. YBVU. This is not your call at all. You don’t get to dictate or even request. He should have DM & DF at the table & if he wants something else that’s for him & his fiancé to discuss.

People don’t like women asserting their needs/wants. Which you have to do when planning a wedding. So they get seen as “Bridezillas.” It’s very very rare that a bride is actually being unreasonable. We do see a few stories on here, but MN is always the outlier in these cases.

Grow up, sit where you’re told, stop making it about you. Tell your DH to grow up as well. Frankly I’d be telling the bride to run a mile from your wet SS who won’t do his own emotional labour.

@TaylorZ I don't see a problem with you all sitting at the top table! As someone who has stepdad and a stepmum, this is certainly what we would have done ( we got married abroad with my mum, Stepdad and sister with us ). If the problem is the MofG is offended as you're not the "mum" I'd get your DSS/Bride, to remind her how much an important part of his life you are! Hope it all gets sorted 💐

I agree really that as you don’t care where you sit, the biological parents should be at the head table. It’s a short amount of time and I can guarantee that whatever the circumstances, it will be important to your DSS mother to be acknowledged as his parent.

this doesn’t negate your role or contribution. My ex hasn’t really had any regular contact with my child since they were 3 - they sat at the top table and I was very happy with that!

Almost identical to my siblings wedding. My own DM and DD were ok, but the other parents were very acrimonious.

So the way they worked it was that they jigged up the seating at the top table so that a pair of bridesmaid+groomsman interspersed them and all stepparents were also included. A longer table but it was fine.

So you had Mum+Stepdad, Bridesmaid+Groomsman, Dad+Stepmum, Best Man+MOH, Couple in the middle then my own DPs and last set of Bridesmaid+Groomsmen, and the priest on the end. It was actually not even really noticed.

Outside of that, they were warned to suck it up and be civil for one day. In all honesty there was one acrimonous parent who would have liked nothing better than to cause a scene but it was made clear that if they kicked off, it would be the last they ever saw of their offspring or any grandkids. And it worked. They all behaved.

I agree with pp that normally in this set up DH and ex wouldn't be next to each other anyway.

You don't seem slighted at all so I'd leave it to DSS to decide if he's happy with the set up. Presumably he is aware that his parents hate each other.

And it's only a few hours. Not most of the day.

It’s sad that this man’s parents can’t put their differences aside for one day. It’s sad that his step mum seems to be stirring - albeit blaming her husband for it. Then also taking swipes at the bride.

Your husband is a grown up - he can manage this himself. No matter how much you love the groom you are not his mother, and your husband shouldn’t try and force you onto the top table. How would you feel if your husband ‘won’ - you weren’t wanted there initially and only got your way through a temper tantrum from your husband.

Why is your husband trying to make a stressful enough time worse?

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Wanting a seating plan isn’t being bridezilla. Let the step son and his wife to be sit everyone where they want. You say you don’t mind where you sit, so stop worrying about it and sit where they tell you in the day.

Your step son doesn’t seem fazed which is good but if he is worried about how his mum and dad feel, he can talk to them, can’t he?

But their child doesn't want it his bride to be does. He wants his step mother and father to be with him.

Your husband needs to get over himself and accept that you helping to raise his child was his choice. You helped raise the child because you wanted to be with his father, not because you chose him out of all possible step children.

No one did your step son a favour by raising him and he does not owe anyone extra respect because of it.

He needs to support his son and future dil’s wishes for their own wedding, especially when what they’re doing is completely normal.

I think this is very unfair. OP said she doesn't care where she sits. But SS is closer to his dad and SM and DHs family would be upset if DH and his ex wife are at the top table. She is trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy.

I would hope that the two parents could control themselves and be civil for the duration of the meal and the speeches - for the sake of their child, whose special day it will be. After the meal, people tend to mingle, and it would be perfectly acceptable for your DH to move, pull up a chair and sit with you. I’ve never been to a wedding where people don’t move around and join various tables for chats throughout the day/evening.
Having said all of that, this sort of thing is exactly why my DH and I chose not to have a ‘wedding’ at all. We are both from broken marriages with step-parents, full and half siblings, and it was all just too much hassle. We chose to have a weekend away with two special friends, and got married in the Registry Office in a beautiful city at Christmas time.
I wouldn’t ask or suggest anything. I’d say either do what you’re being asked to do, or don’t bother going at all. It shouldn’t be such a big deal who sits where.

OP seems keen to blame the bride for this - that’s very convenient. It’s always the woman’s fault. When her stepson does visit, it will be his wife’s fault. When she doesn’t get a birthday card or a Mother’s Day card - that will be down to the wife!

Her stepson is an adult man. If he wanted his step mother at the top table he would say - clearly is wants his biological parents. And that’s okay! It’s much easier for OP to blame ‘bridezilla’ than accept he wants his biological mother only.

I work in a wedding venue. For this reason, in the past, we've had a top table of just the bride and groom. The room was then arranged so they were kind of the 'head' of the room- I know this is a bad description!

Could something like this be suggested?

"My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements"

This indicates disinterest rather a desire to change it. If he did want to change the table plan that is something to be discussed with his finance, nobody else. It certainly should be a result of the his Dad applying pressure.

As others have pointed out if the Bride is wanting things very traditional then your DH and Ex will not be sitting next to each other - they will each be sitting next to their opposite half of the Bride’s parents.

You and Ex wife’s husband may end up on the same table - maybe nice moment to build some bridges for the future and start to get along before grandchildren come along as you and the Exes DH will both be in the same position as step grands.

Also - you’re only apart for the duration of the meal not the whole day.

Is it though? OP wants to suggest to her step son that he either has 2 parents and 2 step parents at the table, or only one parent and one step parent.

If she wanted to keep the peace why not just stay out of it and assume her husband and ex wife can be civil for 90minutes? Why is she thinking about interfering at all? She has already said the bride and groom have made their decision. Leave them be!

I’m with you op. People are not just decorative chess pieces. Why would you make a long divorced couple sit together like a pair of bookends at a formal occasion? It’s their son’s wedding yes, but they are not a couple, haven’t been for a long time, and shouldn’t be seated as such. It smacks of an unimaginative bridezilla who thinks that her wedding is more important than people’s feelings.

Im confused, your DH is the one making a fuss because he doesnt want to sit with his ex wife at his childs wedding but somehow this is the brides fault for bring a bridezilla?

they wouldn't be together though! probably several places apart

So she’s a bridzilla and he’s so wet he can’t even say which parents he wants on the top table? At least they won’t spoil 2 houses.

We had my parents, FIL, MIL, my grandmother and the priest at top table. In laws’ spouses/partners sat elsewhere. If they had a problem with it they never said anything, as it should be!

They aren't seated as a couple. They will sit as the parents of the groom alongside the parents of the bride.

My husband and I had a sweetheart table (just the two of us) to avoid exactly this. Wedding planning can be stressful. You say your DSS isn’t bothered so leave it. It’s his wedding. If he disagreed with the bride then fine but he doesn’t.