Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

I know! I've been a bridesmaid twice and both times was sat at the end of the top table next to the best man (men), one of whom was so paralysed with nerves about his upcoming speech that he could barely squeak out a simple conversation. Meanwhile my DH was having a whale of a time at a table with our friends and I could hear them roaring with laughter every five minutes. I'd much rather have been there!

They don’t have to sit next to each other. They are adults, so could either sit next to each other and be civil for a couple of hours, or sit at opposite ends of the table, converse pleasantly with other people and remember that they are there for their son.

And why do you think you and the ex’s new husband will be joined at the hip for most of the day? You either offer to host/sit at a table each of relatives and friends, or you sit at the same table and speak civilly to each other and the other guests for the duration of a meal and a few speeches.

I feel sorry for the brides parents who must be dreading the possibility of stepping in to thwart fist fights from what sounds like an Eastenders classic wedding episode.

The father of the bride traditionally sits with the grooms mother and vice versa so there should be no issue if that's the route planned?

Overly long head tables are totally unecessary and look pretty awful.

Your DH and his ex sit there and ruddy well get along for an hour for the sake of their son on his wedding day.

The end.

It's bullshit like this that meant we didn't have the wedding we wanted.

Why families can't just STFU and suck it up for a few hours is beyond me!

@TaylorZ you can only accept the decision made. Anything else will cause issues and you won't come out of it well.

I feel bad the bride is being called a Bridezilla because she doesn’t want a fall out on the wedding day or because she’s aware of the issues of 2 people who really should have moved on by now

I think first answer nails it. Sit where the couple would like you too.

I assume you get on with other members of the family?

Haha this. It's not your wedding. It's the decision of the couple. Don't be that annoying relative. it's only the meal, and surely you know other people who'll be there.

So my DH and his ex wife who practically hate each other should be forced to sit together for appearance sakes? It is also not me that has the issue here.

No they won't sit together. Bride and groom sit in the middle with brides dad and grooms mum on one side and Grooms dad and brides mum on the side of them. If sitting 4 places apart is still too close for them then they can put best man and chief bridesmaid in the middle too.
Can they manage to sit 6 places apart for 2 hours?

It's horrible to call someone a bridezilla.

Organising a big event is very challenging (have you seen the stress a simple 6 person dinner party causes some people on here??)
Especially if you have broken families with feuding members!

It's not really anything to do with you is it? I'd be reminding your husband it's not about him and to just be nice for one meal.

This. And that’s what we did at our wedding so no need for the ex’s to sit next to each other.

Well if your dh and his ex wife cannot grin and bear it for an hour or so to celebrate perhaps the only good thing that came out of their marriage, then send them both to sit at the back of the room and you and your dss's stepfather take the places.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Weddings and any special occasions are forever marred for the children of divorced parents.

You should all do whatever is in the grooms best interests.

Oh honestly it's not your wedding just get over it and stop making a fuss. Step parents don't sit on the top table unless parent not in the picture. Why should the couple getting married not make this choice? You and your husband need to just get on with it and sit where you're asked.

It’s up to the bride and groom what the seating plan is. If my stepmum had intervened in my seating plan, I wouldn’t have been happy either. And Mum and Dad need to get it together and act like adults for the sake of their son.

I really think it's time for this tradition to die and for people to sit with their friends/the bridal party instead - so much more fun and much less drama. So sad that people's parents can't put animosity aside for one meal!

Surely your husband would sit next to the brides mother and your step sons mother next to brides father. Nae next to each other.

I think a lot of people are misunderstanding. I don't care if I was swinging out of the chandelier, it is my DSS parents who have the problem with each other and the seating arrangements. There is a horrible history I won't go into.

@TaylorZ - Traditionally at weddings the parents are split on the Top Table so bride's mother with groom's father and the reverse. But do keep out of it.

I think it's a shame your stepson can't speak up here and say what would really work.

Weddings do turn people a bit mad though.

My stepson went for the big table route, his Dad, me, his mum (who all get on), - for the bride it was her dad, wife and bride's mum (who don't really get on but played the game for the day).

You don't sound that bothered either way, which is the right approach.

Just sit where you're told and shut up. It's one day.

Definitely keep out of it then. They will have to talk to their own son if they are that unhappy about it.

You could make it clear to your dh that you don't care where you sit and don't feel it's disrespectful.

This type of thing is exactly why dh and I didn't have a wedding. I'm not even exaggerating. Theres ni way we could have done it without someone having a tantrum and my parents and step parents have caused so much anxiety, stress and upset with their inability to realise not all family occasions are about them and their feelings about each other.

Every single family event where they both have to go has been spoiled our clouded by a million types of micro managing we've had to do to manage supposedly grown adults emotions to make sure they aren't giving filthy looks, getting drunk or as often happened, arguing and moaning to other guests about each other.

My brother's wedding was spoiled by my stepmum demanding where everyone sat.

Dad thought his wife (our stepmum) should be on the top table (in place of our mum if they got her way) and said it would be extremely disrespectful if she wasn't.

But stepmum also didn't want to be sat anywhere near my mother and wanted her with sils family on the end. She ideally felt like Mum shouldn't be on the top table because Mam cheated on my father over 20 years ago. (She forgets that dad cheated on mum and beat her up) My mum didn't want to be anywhere near my dad (because of his abuse) and felt like because she raised us she got more say and she'd have been hurt to be plonked at the other end.

My brother ended up not having a top table at all, sil was also called a bridezilla for making that choice by stepmum and instead of being able to enjoy their wedding day, they had our parents moaning and moaning the whole time.

It's not actually sil and bil who cared about appearances. It was our parents, stepmum and Dad mostly but also our mum. The emotional blackmail and bitching and "suggestions" about how things should be done took all joy out of my brothers day, and many many other special occasions.

Personally I wouldn't make any suggestions, if the level of dysfunction really is to a degree your dh and his ex can't leave their drama and hatred for each other at home for the sake of their son, then maybe neither of them should be at the top table.

We had this last year, though I’m the mum and DH is the stepdad. We have had lots of issues over the years with his dad and his stepmum (though his dad has now split up from her so she wasn’t there which is possibly why it went so well as she was also the catalyst for trouble, I think).

I ended up sat next to his dad on the top table and my husband sat with our kids and his mum and other family on another table. I don’t know how long your DSS’s will be but the meal and speeches were about 2 hours in total and it was fine. 2 hours or so out of a full day should be doable for anyone. At first I felt a bit weird because I thought it would be odd to not be sat next to my husband but it turned out really well. In fact, I was pleasantly surprised as his dad actually made the effort with both me and my husband and it ended up being genuinely enjoyable.

During the evening ‘do’ we all just sat with back with our own families but we mingled and danced (well, I didn’t as it’s too much) with his dad’s side of the family as well. It was an amazing day all round.