Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Head Table Havoc

330 replies

TaylorZ · 05/04/2024 13:50

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

  • The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
  • DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
  • DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 05/04/2024 14:09

alcoholnightmare · 05/04/2024 13:52

Yes it's unreasonable to suggest anything of the sort.
Go to the wedding and sit where you're asked to FFS, or don't go at all.
That poor bride!

Poor bride? Poor bridegroom is more accurate if she is full bridezilla mode, I would always encourage anyone marrying a bridezilla to run a mile before the wedding, she will be the same for the rest of their lives.
At the top table the divorced parents will not be seated together, they'll be with the bride's opposite parent. If we go down the route of step parents being at the top table it could potentially need a very large table, as I had to explain the the person I sat with at our daughter's wedding!

Original poster
TaylorZ · 05/04/2024 14:10

Jovacknockowitch · 05/04/2024 14:08

YABU to call someone a "Bridezilla over minute details" and then nitpick about those minute details.

Well I haven't gone into the minute details she has been focusing on, nor will I because we otherwise get on great, so that is quite an assumption on your part.

OP posts:
commonground · 05/04/2024 14:10

Her choice, not yours. Be a good guest, turn up and sit where you are put.

And your DSS parents are not sitting at the top table for appearance sakes - they are his actual parents. They should put up and shut up for one day. How embarrassing if they can't. Poor bride and groom.

Original poster
TaylorZ · 05/04/2024 14:13

commonground · 05/04/2024 14:10

Her choice, not yours. Be a good guest, turn up and sit where you are put.

And your DSS parents are not sitting at the top table for appearance sakes - they are his actual parents. They should put up and shut up for one day. How embarrassing if they can't. Poor bride and groom.

It kind of is for appearances, when everyone knows they hate each other and my DH and I have had almost full custody of DSS since he was small and he doesn't particularly like his DM.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 05/04/2024 14:15

He needs to tell his fiancée what he does want then.

HeddaGarbled · 05/04/2024 14:17

I would stay right out of it. Don’t even express an opinion. They’ll have to sort it out amongst themselves. It would probably be reasonably safe to murmur sympathetically if anyone bends your ear in complete privacy, if you are completely sure that those sympathetic murmurs will not be reported to anyone else and remembered with resentment for the next 50 years.

TTPD · 05/04/2024 14:18

It kind of is for appearances, when everyone knows they hate each other and my DH and I have had almost full custody of DSS since he was small and he doesn't particularly like his DM.

If he doesn't really like his mum, that's a separate issue for him to decide on. Your initial point about your DH and his wife not wanting to sit next to each other for a meal - unless there was abuse involved in their relationship, grow up.

titchy · 05/04/2024 14:18

If it was me I'd have in a row: his mum's dp, his mum, fob, bride, groom, mog, your dh, you. It's a rather nice symmetry dontcha think? Each parent is sitting next to one of their close family (either partner or child), no warring parents sitting together, and it's in a traditional format).

titchy · 05/04/2024 14:20

Having said that, it's entirely up to the bride and groom and if they put your dh and his ex together then they should both grin and bear it for the sake of their ds.

Ponderingwindow · 05/04/2024 14:21

Let the bride and groom make a decision and then just do what they ask. Yes, even if they ask that his parents sit next to one another and make polite conversation for an hour. They are adults who had a child together. They can focus on their son for just a little bit.

CultOfTheAirFryer · 05/04/2024 14:21

Stay out of it. Even if you’re on top table it’s unlikely that you’d be sat with your partner. It’s only 2 hours out of a 8-10 hour day.

NerrSnerr · 05/04/2024 14:23

Oh god this reminds me of my wedding. My parents hate each other and I couldn't keep any of them happy. We had a long top table and my dad sat with MIL and mum FIL. My mum and step mum both made it about themselves and we're out out about various things.

My wedding day was tainted by the worry that someone would kick off because they can't do one day without snide comments.

Just smile and let them do what they want. Your poor step son is probably already dreading the day because his parents and step parents can't get on for his benefit for one day.

AnnaMagnani · 05/04/2024 14:23

DSS needs to tell his fiancee what he actually wants, given it is his wedding too.

And then you all politely agree.

If he can't tell his fiancee this now he is setting himself up for a painful marriage.

FWIW I remember planning my wedding and really just assuming DH would turn up and do whatever I had planned. It came as a shock to discover he had opinions of his own but in the long run it was a good lesson for me to learn early on.

CraftyBum · 05/04/2024 14:23

It's not the majority of the day. People have enough shit to plan without having to worry about people who can't behave for about an hour once in their lives.

NerrSnerr · 05/04/2024 14:24

It kind of is for appearances, when everyone knows they hate each other and my DH and I have had almost full custody of DSS since he was small and he doesn't particularly like his DM.

Do you not think that this will mean the day will be hard enough for him because of this. Just do as they want to make their day as nice and easy for them.

commonground · 05/04/2024 14:26

It kind of is for appearances, when everyone knows they hate each other and my DH and I have had almost full custody of DSS since he was small and he doesn't particularly like his DM.

Wow. I mean there is A LOT to unpick there 🙄.

But it sounds like you are the only one bothered by their choice... your stepson is 'not phased' and the bride has chosen this....so um....that's your answer.

HotelKitchen · 05/04/2024 14:27

TaylorZ · 05/04/2024 13:57

So my DH and his ex wife who practically hate each other should be forced to sit together for appearance sakes? It is also not me that has the issue here.

Show quote history

It is also not me that has the issue here.

I suspect you do have an issue. You feel you have ‘earned’ your place.

Do as the bride has asked and everybody should get over it. It makes me cringe so much when people act this way. Squabbling and taking offence over table positions.

I imagine your husband is old enough to get a grip and tolerate his ex, and hopefully you can manage to sit through one meal without him by your side.

I am sure it is not a personal slight against you so please don’t make it all about you. Nobody wins that way.

CatamaranViper · 05/04/2024 14:29

I'm a former wedding manager and yes they should have FOB with MOG and FOG with MOB. Makes these situations much easier to navigate.
Or they have a sweetheart table with just them two.

The most ridiculous set up I saw was 16 people on a top table.

I did also have a wedding where the FOB refused to sit next to his ex wife and tried to swap his new wife's (who was the OW) place with the MOB. He kicks off, we're trying to calm him down, MOB is very dignified and tries to just sit at the family table, bride finds out and refuses to sit at same table as new wife, wants her mum with her. In the end, FOB sat at the family table with new wife and refused to do his speech. Fortunately MOB saved the day by giving a speech which she had prepared just in case

stopringingme · 05/04/2024 14:32

At our wedding we sat my FIL next to my Mum and my MIL next to my Dad as my IL's hate each other.

We told them if they were not happy they could stay away as they were not ruining our day, their divorce was quite new and quite toxic.

We had friends of parents invited as well as relatives so their partners were sat with others they knew.

Greendoorsaremyfavourite · 05/04/2024 14:33

This isn't your battle. DSS needs to have the conversation if it bothers him. You'll survive for 1 meal over a couple of hours.

Notonthestairs · 05/04/2024 14:37

It's hardly 'havoc' is it?

Just two adults determined to assert their wishes over the bride and groom.

I note your rather snide comments blaming the bride rather than your disinterested SS. Unpleasant.

CoffeeCup14 · 05/04/2024 14:39

If either of ny children get married I will do what they ask. But I hope they would be considerate of my feelings and not make me sit next to their dad for an entire meal and speeches. We can do polite conversation, but it seems weird to make people sit next to someone they actively dislike just for the sake of out-of-date traditions.

WaitingfortheTardis · 05/04/2024 14:42

It's for a short while, your husband does it for your son, you do it for your step son and for your dh.

Original poster
TaylorZ · 05/04/2024 14:43

Notonthestairs · 05/04/2024 14:37

It's hardly 'havoc' is it?

Just two adults determined to assert their wishes over the bride and groom.

I note your rather snide comments blaming the bride rather than your disinterested SS. Unpleasant.

It isn't snide to call a Bridezilla a Bridezilla. As previously stated we get on well.

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 05/04/2024 14:48

You won't be getting on well for much longer with this current attitude ...

If they've done things traditionally, your DH won't be anywhere near his ex. If they haven't, then I'm sure they can behave like adults for the sake of their child. You should graciously accept your position with the rest of the family, as my DH's step mother did at our wedding, with a huge smile on her face. I'm eternally grateful to my in-laws for behaving and not making demands at our wedding. Do not get off on the wrong foot with the bride and her family. It is one day...