Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

So you don't mind where you sit - other people are outraged on your behalf.

The best way to neutralise their outrage is to keep telling them that a) the meal is only a couple of hours long and b) you are absolutely fine with sitting at a table with family&friends.

Your husband will be sat with the MoB - he really needn't exchange more than 'pass the bread' with his Ex. Although obviously it would more pleasant if they made an effort for a couple of hours.

And of course it's snide to post on MN that your DIL is a bridezilla. You are discussing her behind her back and blaming her for the table. At least own what you are saying.

The bride is being a total loon. You should all sit at the top table, we managed it when dh and I got married. We just wanted everyone to have a lovely time and enjoy the day. It really didn’t matter to us at all who sat where. I get so fed up of all the ‘it’s my day’ rubbish.

It's not a good look for you insulting your sdil by calling her a bridezilla if, as you say, you aren't even bothered who sits where anyway. You clearly are bothered.

Basically - get over yourself and sit where you are told.

My DH has not suggested she is displaced at all. My DSS has seen his mother EOW for good reason which was at his request. We have neither encouraged nor discouraged his relationship with his mother and now he is an adult it is for him to manage his own relationship with her. We certainly haven't asserted ourselves as better parents, we haven't needed to.

Yet your husband claims that you are being disrespected? And calling her Bridezilla is nasty, despite your protests.

It’s not the majority of the day, at tops 1-2 hours? You will be able to chat to anyone before and move tables and socialise after?

Honestly try and be the cool mum and let them work it out

Where have I said I won't sit where asked?!

She has been a Bridezilla. Many people are when getting married.

The parents are not (traditionally) sit together as a couple but sit next to the opposite father / mother (in laws) so regardless of how well / poor your stepson's parents relationship is they literally won't be able to see each other on a traditional long top table.

If it were me I would go with the flow and say nothing. It is the decision of the bride / groom at the end of the day.

Is it a traditional long straight top table with people only sitting one side? Could DSS parents not just be sat at opposite ends 🤷🏽‍♀️ ...

Perhaps because he's unfazed and perfectly happy with it.

But doesn't want to tell his DDad directly that he needs to get over himself, and that sitting next to MIL for the duration of one meal isn't going to be unpleasant.

(Assuming traditional FOG/MOB and MOG/FOB pairings)

I don't think it is nasty. It's a standard term many women admit to being bridezilla themselves during wedding planning! Either way it is off topic.
Yes my DH feels it would be disrespectful to exclude me considering we raised him.

@TaylorZ many people have said they traditionally won't sit next to each other anyway? So what's the issue?

Well, if you genuinely want to ratchet this down you'd tell your husband that you don't mind where you sit and are not in the least offended and would rather he didn't raise the issue further.

At our wedding we put the DH parents at seperate ends of each table. But there was no step children.

What would be disrespectful is either of you interfering in their wedding plans. If you genuinely don't care, you should be encouraging your husband to grow up and put his son first rather than trying to stir up trouble to make a point. Think of the future - is it really worth upsetting them, spoiling their day and potentially damaging future relationships for this?

Fuck that. Its not your wedding. Its not about you. Or who his dad or mum is married to. It is his wedding, he is entitled to his parents sitting at the top table with him.

My mum pulled this shit with both my and my sisters wedding aswell as other bullshit about making her husband apart of our wedding. And she had the audacity to complain when my other sister eloped.

There are two important people at a wedding. The bride and groom. Everybody else are simply guests. If you've been given the honour of being involved in any way graciously appreciate it. If you don't want to, then just don't fucking go.

Once more, it's not about you.

What makes you think they will be asked to sit together? More likely they would be on the table but at opposite ends of it

@TaylorZ thats right - you keep blaming the future DIL and calling her names. Fabulous attitude.

notice there is no name calling of this SS you apparently raised who’s not bothered enough about this matter to put his foot down with his future bride? Why aren’t you angry with him. Why is it ok for him to shrug his shoulders and not get involved?

personally I think none of you should be on the top table. At my DSS wedding we had a similar thing. As both of DSS parents had split many years ago and have long term partners they decided they would have round tables and the bride and groom would just have their closet friends on their round table.

still managed to do speech’s etc. aesthetically it still looked nice.
no posturing of the various step parents etc and we all sat at tables with our friends or family.

It's 2 hours out of the day and they won't even sit together - his Mum will sit next to her Dad and his Dad next to her Mum

Just tell your DH to agree with whatever the bride wants - it is not worth falling out over and he should keep any negative opinion about it to himself

Had similar situation at our wedding and my Mum & Dad went on top table
My step parents sat together with other close family on the table nearest the top table

As I’m sure plenty of others have said - your DH and his ExW won’t be sitting together.

Or they just want things done their way on one of the biggest days of their lives.
If you aren’t bothered and it’s all your husbands issue, why are you the one who is thinking of making alternative suggestions to what they have requested?

It's very clear you agree with your childish and petulant husband.

I'm also not convinced that YOU don't care. Being honest, you think you deserve a spot on the top table, don't you?

I'd go with and support whatever it is your husband wants. Put it to him that you love him for being concerned about you but you are happy to let him decide.

@TaylorZ be careful not to ruin this for your DSS. if it's too stressful for them to have a Top Table then they might just remove it altogether.

just tell DH to sit wherever he is asked and say no more about it

Traditionally they wouldn’t sit together, it’s the mother of the bride and father of the groom one side then father of the bride and mother of the groom. So they shouldn’t traditionally be sitting next to each other