AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Is it unreasonable for me to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

When I first joined Mumsnet, I hoped to find a community where mothers and women could uplift and support each other on a variety of topics, especially those concerning parenting, finances, and the cost of living. However, I've noticed a trend where instead of offering encouragement, there's no support and a race to the bottom mentality.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK? We should be annoyed at the government for creating the cost of living issues and we should push for them to make things better for future generations.

Recently, I read discussions on the cost of living, where some individuals seemed unable to empathise with those facing financial struggles. Some suggested that just because they did it that it shouldn’t be a problem for those on above average salaries and it is simply a “choice”. Even suggestions of just “relocating to cheaper areas” without considering the complexities of individual circumstances, simply because they did it several years ago. It's disheartening to see dismissive attitudes towards those who are genuinely struggling, whether they're living on a tight budget or facing high living costs in the South due to personal ties.

If we, as women, continue to tear each other down rather than lifting each other up, how can we ever hope to bring about positive change? Let's try to foster a culture of support and understanding.

You need Netmums for that

And there you have the power of Mumsnet. I

(a) learned a new phrase before 10am today; and
(b) discovered that crabs are evil selfish fuckers

Going back to the example in the OP about the CoL and being told to relocate to somewhere cheaper and tying that it into the crab bucket mentality.

The person offering the advice about relocating to a cheaper area is doing the opposite of the crab bucket mentality. They're providing a solution to the poster to help get them out of the bucket.

Doing what the OP suggests which is to just advise that we all sit on our hands and rage at the government for the mess we're in is the epitome of being a crab in a bucket. Providing no workable solution to get out of the bucket and instead, ensuring that everyone remains in the bucket together. Because why should some drag themselves out of the bucket by finding solutions to their problems when they can instead, wallow together in their buckets and rage at the government?

It won't help them-but they'll at least all be together and supporting one another in their fury as they waste away in their buckets.

Leave the op alone she learnt a new phrase and wanted to use it 🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀

You're right, @clairelouwho . I think some people don't want a workable solution, they want people to feel sorry for their situation.
Others seem to take things on board and consider options.

Yet another pile of #bekind bollocks
why is this shit always aimed at women?

It seems to be a place where people let out some frustration. I can’t imagine anyone really saying half the stuff posted on here in real life. I’m not a fan of the parenting threads, those are particularly harsh and a lot of posters intentionally misunderstand so they can bash the OP. Or imagine a storyline and run with it. I guess it’s entertaining for them.

Doing what the OP suggests which is to just advise that we all sit on our hands and rage at the government for the mess we're in is the epitome of being a crab in a bucket. Providing no workable solution to get out of the bucket and instead, ensuring that everyone remains in the bucket together. Because why should some drag themselves out of the bucket by finding solutions to their problems when they can instead, wallow together in their buckets and rage at the government?

Yes- exactly my point. I dont think OP really understands the crab bucket mentality lol

If you’re referring to the free childcare which some non parents object to subsidising (I don’t mind doing this) then yes crack on.

A lot of single child free people especially those on low wages get next to no help from the government yet still subsidise people with children in all sorts of taxes.

There is definitely a bit of a ‘I grew up in a cardboard box in the middle of the road - and was grateful for it’ thing.

People seem unwilling (or unable) to recognise that different people have different issues / incomes / expense etc.

Crabs are delicious actually in a pate or crab claws in batter. 😋better than being in a bucket.

I think there's a bit of that, perhaps, but also if people have had a really tough time and got through it, they may want to share their experience and solutions.

Or maybe people are fed up of subsidising others lifestyles.

Could be.

I don't owe anybody support just because they share my gender.

My sister in law chose to buy a very overpriced house in an expensive area far away from family and then have children. I have no time to listen to the complaints of having no support and being financially overstretched when it is all a result of their own choices. And I imagine many people do similar things and complain in similar ways. It's tiresome.

For those who are really genuinely struggling, who haven't done things to make their own lives harder but have been at the mercy of huge price hikes when they were already pushed, I have every empathy.

Well exactly.

Poorer people who were impacted first, who have posted for advice were by and large told it's their own choices, lack of aspirations and laziness that were the problem - because the 'squeezed middle' weren't feeling as much of an impact at that point and therefore assumed that their choices and hard work were the right ones and anyone else who didn't have what they did must be doing it wrong.

Now the middle is being squeezed and they're wanting advice, or sympathy and completely unwilling to accept their own advice about moving, getting better jobs, making better choices that they assumed were the reasons for someone on a lower income than them struggling in the past, now are wanting the support and understanding they have been unwilling to show it towards others.

Now it's all about supporting each other and being sympathetic, it not being a race to the bottom and joining together to tackle it.

Well, the reasons that a lot of people are struggling are the same - the cost of living has increased, but so many are only starting to realise that hard work and the 'right' choices only take you so far and now want to change the narrative. And do not like the hypocrisy in that being pointed out.

Limited sympathy I'm afraid, if it's good enough for someone on £25k to be told it's their own fault and they should take responsibility, then it's good enough for someone on £50k, £100k or £150k.

You reap what you sew.

This is pleasant.

’crabs in bucket’ demonstrated quite nicely here.

No one owes you anything just because they're the same sex as you

If people think you're wrong they can say so, and if people think you're an extremely privileged individual who should get some perspective, they can say so

Personally it’s not my job to support others, that’s not why I’m here. I’m here for entertainment, occasionally I’ll come across an OP where they’re either twats or going through a rough time. If they’re twats I respond in kind, if they’re going through a rough time I try and offer advice and sympathy. If I want support I speak to people in real life, I suggest you do the same. The internet is not a supportive place and you spend too much time online your mental health will take a boot.

What's a crab bucket mentality?

Well the options are a) do something different or b) toughen up.

After two years of newly stretched posters arriving on AIBU to declare that life is not fair, like it is some newly found wisdom that the rest of the forum should know about, it's wearing a bit thin. Some posters will bend over backwards to offer advice but others might only summon a weary, 'yes, we know'.

At least posters have stopped telling people to take in ironing, that's a bonus.

Have you read the thread? It's been explained multiple times. I googled it, I'm surprised more haven't.

@Sallysappho its the mentality of “if I can’t have it neither can you” as far as I understand it. Basically if I can’t be happy you’re not allowed to be happy either

Yes, crabs in a bucket mentality is a prominent negative aspect of UK culture which is growing.

Many people are wilfully blind to how far this country has sunk. They put their fingers in their ears and claim that because they managed to buy a shitty doer-upper in the 80s and there was no free childcare, that everything is great now in comparison and people should just quit being doomsters and gloomsters.

I watched a fantastic JP video yesterday where he said the data shows men tend to use physical violence whereas women use more passive forms of ‘violence’ such as gossip, reputation destruction etc. it explained so much.