AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Is it unreasonable for me to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

When I first joined Mumsnet, I hoped to find a community where mothers and women could uplift and support each other on a variety of topics, especially those concerning parenting, finances, and the cost of living. However, I've noticed a trend where instead of offering encouragement, there's no support and a race to the bottom mentality.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK? We should be annoyed at the government for creating the cost of living issues and we should push for them to make things better for future generations.

Recently, I read discussions on the cost of living, where some individuals seemed unable to empathise with those facing financial struggles. Some suggested that just because they did it that it shouldn’t be a problem for those on above average salaries and it is simply a “choice”. Even suggestions of just “relocating to cheaper areas” without considering the complexities of individual circumstances, simply because they did it several years ago. It's disheartening to see dismissive attitudes towards those who are genuinely struggling, whether they're living on a tight budget or facing high living costs in the South due to personal ties.

If we, as women, continue to tear each other down rather than lifting each other up, how can we ever hope to bring about positive change? Let's try to foster a culture of support and understanding.

It's a good sentiment on a basic level...but the fact is, we're not borg.

An example is some of the mother in law threads...I sometimes get the strong feeling that it's a daughter in law issue. A controlling, jealous, self-aggrandising daughter in law issue.
I'm not going to tell her she's a peach and her dh needs to side with her.

I do agree that mumsnet seems mainly wealthy and lots of posters have no idea what real life is like for most people.
I laughed to myself yesterday when someone was posting about their tired and broken house which really needed money spent on it and one bright spark asked how much do you spend on your holidays just drop one of them.

I don't think suggesting that someone struggling to live in the most expensive part of the country might wish to consider moving somewhere affordable is 'tearing another woman down', its just an option that many who manage without living in the SE may consider valid. All the OP needs to do is say thanks but I'd rather stay here, surely? No need for offence to be taken. I also think its important to remember that empathy goes both ways. A person on a high income who is struggling because and only because they are living in the SE, is still going to appear to have won lifes lottery to a person living on benefits in a cheap area who can't afford their shopping. There should be empathy for that too, and understanding that while a lot of people may be struggling, like it or not, there are hierarchies of poverty, and recognition of the privelege of not being at the bottom of that doesn't go amiss.

I don’t generally join in pile ons but I also resent being told to ‘lift each other up’ or that women should be supporting women - it’s saccharine and nauseating.

No, that's completely different.
Thatcher's comment was about a neo-liberal approach to state intervention, and taxpayers subsidising individuals and businesses.
The Sisterhood is a mythical idea usually used by men against women to put them down if they don't display a hive mind.

It’s been a second and I regret it.

I just felt disheartened reading some recent posts that were trending and it just seemed to be so negative.

I won’t even bother to reply again as it already seems I’m going to be shot down for using the wrong gender.

I understand what you mean the "just move somewhere cheaper" people irritate the fuck out of me I live in a cheap area my son used to be able to get the bus to school on our road but thanks to cutbacks they decided in OCTOBER last year to remove the service (he had just started the run up for GCSES) so I know people will say "just walk" to school it's actually too far away well you should send him somewhere closer I can't he has sen this was the best school fit for his needs "sen children get transport" they do if they have an EHCP the school claim they meet need without one 😀 your just "making excuses" to use your car no im really not "JUST MOVE" even if I did I would still be unable to cut costs by not using my car because if I moved I would be moving away from my OTHER child's school 🤣😭

Mumsnet is no place for unwinnable situations and sadly that's what a lot of people are facing right now

I disagree. The level of whining about trivia on here is off the scale. But that's not to say I don't read and reply. Be really boring if everyone agreed.

Well if you look carefully you will see that men have invaded the site. Twas ever thus.

But really they aren't very subtle, you can just read one post and almost smell the man behind it.

Apart from that, this is still the internet, if you think this is an unsupportive site, please dont venture into the rest of the web.

I find some areas in here better than others. Aibu is a bunfight, if that's the only place you go, youd think less of the place. But, well, there way more than aibu.

I think it’s the nature of communication online and how our responses are influenced by the responses of those around us. It’s fascinating really- presumably there’s an evolutionary advantage in mob-think, that we evolved to avoid being ostracised by asserting our commitment to the group (and against whatever seems to threaten the group) so much so that we don’t even notice how group thinking influences individual thinking. And now it’s all being played out online.

It’s sex not gender OP ;) Unless you’re expecting women to conform to female stereotypes, in which case I withdraw my comment.

I don’t think you’re wrong, OP. I share the opinion that MN can be a particularly nasty place, with certain set opinions which therefore draws others who are cut from the same cloth to make themselves at home and causes others less likely to return.

Being statistically fortunate with money and feeling anxious about money are not mutually exclusive. There are hundreds of wealthy people who won’t bat an eyelid at rising costs and then there are hundreds who will go to bed at night feeling sick over over it – it’s behavioural rather than circumstantial. It’s almost like saying you’re not allowed to suffer from depression if you’ve got nothing to feel depressed about.

I partly agree and partly disagree with the OP. Of course people will and should have a range of different views on any subject, but what I do find distressing is the increasingly gleeful way that a minority of posters leap in with an bizarrely cruel and hostile response to anyone who start a thread.
Often people motivated in that way will seize on some aspect of the necessarily fragmentary info in the opening post to find some way of representing the OP in the worst light possible - so that they themselves can appear superior.
It is quite common on threads to see a lot of really helpful thoughtful posts sitting alongside posts that are so aggressive that the OP will likely be too distressed to be able to see the good stuff.
The level of aggression on MN used to be way less (although it was never absent of course). I think people are bringing the habits and riled-up emotions that they have developed in viler places like twitter etc

I’d say it used to be like that years ago. Full of sisterly support.

Now it isn’t.

I know I said I wouldn’t bother replying after the flurry of rude messages, which kind of proves my point that people are quite rude on here, but you’ve said what I was trying to articulate.

People are stressed and worried about increasing costs, if they are earning £1k a earn or £100k a year but if you are a higher earner, you just can’t seem to express that on here (I don’t earn anywhere near that, so this isn’t a privileged post).

Surely, the annoyance and anger at people struggling should be directed at the government m, not those who are feeling the affects?!

And out of interest OP, how much lobbying of the government about people struggling financially do you think the average 'higher earners' did before they were personally impacted? Because poverty may be a new thing to some, but people in this country have lived and died with far less that most could imagine managing on for decades. They've just done it largely invisibly or had their circumstances blamed on the own poor choices, or failure to work hard enough to 'better themselves'. By all means, band together with other affluent women who are now feeling the pinch to try to make changes, and good luck to you. But to expect more impoverished people to rush to your aid with sympathy, on pain of being accused of a race to the bottom should they dare to point out their much greater need, is a bit much tbh.

Yeah this.
If netmums still exists it's for the 'aw, you go, hun!' type of meaningless drivel.
I would never support or cheer on someone traumatising their kid or making shit choices in blokes etc. Not sure what a crab bucket is.
Pity you're sulking because we're not cheering your post on.

Thanks, you’ve articulated the point I was trying to make much better than what I had originally written.

My stupid ignorance for thinking this would have been more of a supportive place.

I think poor people have been adapting around poverty and chalking up inequity with a level of stoic grit for generations and have done so alongside a cultural narrative that insists that they brought this poverty on themselves.

And then here comes a col crisis and the 'squeezed middle' demand sympathy because they have been manoeuvred into financial difficulty via factors beyond their control and flail about the place because they must endure perfectly normal conditions, like having to send their children to the local state school.

I think a little, 'suck it up, buttercup' was inevitable.

I agree, @Desecratedcoconut - also I think that if you're used to privilege and plenty, when that gets compromised, it's painful.
However, claiming that you can't afford to have children when you earn £100k plus, does seem a bit strange and people will question that.

I agree with you. You especially find it on the AIBU posts. Where if the OP is infact being a tad unreasonable, they can expect to get thier arse handed to them. I cringe reading some threads cause of the pile ons

Let's try to foster a culture of support and understanding.

I have found mumsnet to be a brilliant resource over the years.

It sounds like you think it's women's responsibility to always 'be nice' when, in reality, a dose of reality and tough love is what people need. And I include myself in that.

There are a lot of very wealthy women on here along with a lot of 'financially comfortable' women, 'getting by' women and a lot of 'living in poverty' women; there are women who are highly intelligent, women who are averagely intelligent and women whose intelligence falls below that. There are people who've made.mistakes and learnt from them who pass on their experiences and what they've learnt from those to women who have made mistakes but can't yet see it. There are women who enjoy being supportive and encouraging and women who enjoy bringing others down to feel a bit better about themselves.

And, as you'd find in any other arena of life, there are people who are arseholes, people who are kind (deliver the truth sensitively) and people pleasers who will blindly champion everyone for fear of being criticised or disliked.

A bit like you'd expect to find in any cross section of society anywhere else really.

Well, it depends. This place can be fucking fantastic, for instance when a woman is facing domestic violence, or has been sexually assaulted.

I have been here for over a decade and it's not where I come if I'm in need of some emotional support (or serious advice)

I am not an archetypal MN'er and I don't fancy having my life choices dissected so I just don't post about them.

I am tolerant and supportive to a degree but I don't blindly support, believe or trust everything I read. I am, however, honest.

There has never been this "golden age" of MN.

There's always been a mix of posters. And sometimes the supportive thing is to tell someone they're being a dick.

Because no, someone is not always right just because they're female.

(Also, those of us who have been on MN for a long time will remember the "you're all bitches" troll of yore. Aim was to limit how women expressed themselves, and getting off on the sheer ridiculousness of posters saying how much they dislike the site whilst actually posting on it themselves. The internet is huge, chat sites abound; if tis one doesn't suit you there is nothing whatsoever preventing you joining sites that suit you better)