AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Is it unreasonable for me to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

When I first joined Mumsnet, I hoped to find a community where mothers and women could uplift and support each other on a variety of topics, especially those concerning parenting, finances, and the cost of living. However, I've noticed a trend where instead of offering encouragement, there's no support and a race to the bottom mentality.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK? We should be annoyed at the government for creating the cost of living issues and we should push for them to make things better for future generations.

Recently, I read discussions on the cost of living, where some individuals seemed unable to empathise with those facing financial struggles. Some suggested that just because they did it that it shouldn’t be a problem for those on above average salaries and it is simply a “choice”. Even suggestions of just “relocating to cheaper areas” without considering the complexities of individual circumstances, simply because they did it several years ago. It's disheartening to see dismissive attitudes towards those who are genuinely struggling, whether they're living on a tight budget or facing high living costs in the South due to personal ties.

If we, as women, continue to tear each other down rather than lifting each other up, how can we ever hope to bring about positive change? Let's try to foster a culture of support and understanding.

Crabs in a bucket mentality is about being a hater. It’s about trying to drag others down because your own situation is shit. You can’t handle seeing others progress or have more than you so you’ve got to try and fuck it up for them either by discouraging them, ridiculing them, making them think they already have too much and should settle etc. It’s nothing to do with tough love or being horrible in general.

exactly this is what I mean.

Yes, exactly, I would never post on here for help about anything anymore, people just cross reference everything and pull you apart for making poor choices. I am pretty tough as a personality and experienced in debating but on most threads now a load of belittling goes on and it is relentless! I was on a discussion about a film and there are posters that are berating those that didn’t like the film, it was just pure anger not about the film in the end. I think I spotted many angry men on there a mile off, you can tell with style of writing, it is horrible.

Of course people can say what they want – they'd never be any real policing of what people say, beyond the MN talk guidelines. But that doesn't mean it's a productive place to be and it doesn't mean its impacts are more negative than positive.

I genuinely get so tired of the alternative displayed to be a 'there there, dear' approach. No one has to, nor should they, go to the other end of the spectrum and no one is suggesting that. In very simplistic terms, instead of saying 'Boo hoo, my diamond shoes are too tight. Get a grip.' (something I have read countless times on here when the OP is simply fretting about money), you could instead say 'Some awareness would go a long way here. The majority of the UK is in a far worse position than you. You may have to face making some sacrifices'.

I think what happens is people massively miss the point of these threads. You can always find people worse off than yourself, but if even people on what we think of as "good" salaries are worrying about money, then what does that say about the state of the economy as a whole? I don't think people are complaining to rub other people's noses in it who have less.

That kind of nuance is not possible here. This place is anyone and everyone, and lots will have views that are abhorrent to many others. It's just 'people'.

I find that most people with problems, have them because they're doing something wrong. They often need a lifestyle change, e.g. diabetes - change their diet, in severe debt- stop buying branded food and downsize to a cheaper area. But so many people just want to complain about their situation, instead of making better choices. However the small percent of people who happen to fall into a bad situation, through no fault of their own e g. Husband left them with 4 kids, wife passed away, made redundant etc. I think this is a good site as many people come from different cultures and backgrounds, all those views and life experiences give good perspectives.

All internet forums are just 'people'. It can aim for decent language to be majoritive, like scores of other forums. It has certainly managed to make aggression and hostility majoritive.

Or is that just society now? Idk.

Women aren't a social class, and the working-class consistently act against their own interests anyway, so to expect women to act collectively is probably unreasonable.

If they did, we'd have a very different political landscape. Our parties, Unions & institutions would probably look very different.

How that would shape things in a Capitalist economy is an interesting thought though.

Personally I'd prefer a place that's robust rather than toothless. As I said earlier, if I'm not feeling up to it, I just don't post.

This.

TBH does it need pointing out that others have it worse? I’m pretty sure we’re all aware of that, and it doesn’t need to be centred in every thread. It’s rarely bought up to provide a sense of perspective either, rather as a shorthand for ‘shut up’. Not every thread has to be about those at the bottom (and trying to demand that they be is more likely to achieve the opposite - making people hostile to your ‘cause’).

I really dislike the “sisterhood” mentality, meaning that we can’t possibly say anything negative about a woman’s behaviour, or only offer unconditionally positive encouragement. I don’t even raise a toddler that way, I certainly don’t want to treat a fellow human being that way.

Do you think men got ahead by having a “brotherhood” and in which they were only ever nice and lovely and kind and uncritical and uncompetitive and unconditional in their praise for each other?

Also the irony of you criticising a huge section of women with a blanket statement is quite funny! 😁

Do you think men got ahead by having a “brotherhood” and in which they were only ever nice and lovely and kind and uncritical and uncompetitive and unconditional in their praise for each other?

Maybe they would cause the world and women far less problems if they had been. I don’t think ‘men’ is a bar to aim for.

The cost of living crisis has hit every country. So easy to blame "the government" for every single thing and expect there to be an easy fix.

This forum was something I started browsing two or three months back because I was on bed rest and it got hard to hold a book ( or I have slack arm muscles!) I was taken aback by the acrimony and nastiness so, no, it’s not society as I know it.

There's nastiness but there's loads of support too. As I said, it just a microcosm of society in general. One can choose to ignore, to read but not participate, or read and participate. Simple as that really.

Imagine someone wasting so much time and effort trying to do this on an internet forum when the people they hate so much are most likely living a life of luxury, relishing their wealth and laughing at them.

Agreed, any attitudes and traits that were forged through suffering from lack of empathy are unlikely to be valuable in the greater scheme of becoming a decent human. However, that was a hugely revealing post though as, while I don’t believe at all that slapping and being slapped creates a “ winner”, I am often left with the impression that the hardest hitters on these posts have that kind of ambition: having suffered from what they perceive as male aggression, they want to adopt it.

What difference does it make whether they are biological women or not if you're not going to support them anyway?

What is a crab 🦀 bucket mentality?
And YABU OP, soz.

Because the OP mentioned women, this being predominantly a female user base and implied that women dont support other women and we should.

So Im specifying (as one needs to these days) that Im referring to women. Biological women

That doesnt accord with your examples though?

If that is the mentality you are referring, I see that mostly applied when someone posts about buying a house, or having a holiday or deciding on a job or whatever and someone else comes along and says 'dont know you that people are living in ditches and eating their shoes, what a tone deaf post'

Wanting to drag down anyone that is not on the bones of their arse and suffering poverty.

Hilarious and proving the OPS point.

No it isn't the case at all that 'most people with problems are doing something wrong that a lifestyle change could fix'.

Disability? Poverty? Cancer? Educational disadvantages? National housing crisis? In those situations where is someone is doing something wrong and could just make better choices?

Oh, and people in serious debt aren't in that state because of buying Heinz beans and buying Morrisons beans won't get them out of it.

It's really really tedious to bring this into every single discussion.