AIBU to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

[NameChangeAsICouldBeOverReacting]

Is it unreasonable for me to feel disheartened by the lack of support and the presence of a crab bucket mentality among some women on here?

When I first joined Mumsnet, I hoped to find a community where mothers and women could uplift and support each other on a variety of topics, especially those concerning parenting, finances, and the cost of living. However, I've noticed a trend where instead of offering encouragement, there's no support and a race to the bottom mentality.

Shouldn't this space be about rallying together to support everyone in the UK? We should be annoyed at the government for creating the cost of living issues and we should push for them to make things better for future generations.

Recently, I read discussions on the cost of living, where some individuals seemed unable to empathise with those facing financial struggles. Some suggested that just because they did it that it shouldn’t be a problem for those on above average salaries and it is simply a “choice”. Even suggestions of just “relocating to cheaper areas” without considering the complexities of individual circumstances, simply because they did it several years ago. It's disheartening to see dismissive attitudes towards those who are genuinely struggling, whether they're living on a tight budget or facing high living costs in the South due to personal ties.

If we, as women, continue to tear each other down rather than lifting each other up, how can we ever hope to bring about positive change? Let's try to foster a culture of support and understanding.

I haven’t read the whole thread but this is something I have thought about myself but the other way around and I came to the conclusion that people use the boards incorrectly at times particularly AIBU as it has the most traffic. The title of the board in itself is basically asking for a difference of opinion and I’ve lost count of threads I’ve closed in exasperation due to the OP asking the question then getting really arsey, accusing people of being ‘rude’ etc when someone takes the time out to give their opinion but it’s not what they want to hear. Then quoting and giving ‘flowers’ etc to anyone who agrees with them. They should just create a board called ‘Can everyone agree with me’ 😂

You’ve got a space that a big portion enjoy sharing views and ideas respectfully, with support and encouragement.

And another whopping portion that like to talk like they walk the walk and know it all “happily” hiding behind their keyboard.

It’s a shame because the first idea you mention is what a lot of people need.

That's very 'know your place' though isn't it? There are times when I really feel rage, I don't think I should have to disguise it. And it's not 'speaking to people like trash', it's raw anger.

I think this SE ‘6 figure salary’ is such a hackneyed characterisation on MN now, that nobody from the SE can complain at all and it just isn’t the case that a majority of people from the SE are on 6 figure salaries. The suggestion is always to move away from the streets that are paved with Gold, often said by people who aren’t from the SE. A poster on another thread about birthrates and UK regions was making this very point as a Northerner but correspondingly said they don’t want any ‘incomers’. They also like many people who post like this express their love for the North and desire to be where they grew up, not wanting to be priced out of their region but then dismiss those from the south east who have a similar desire to live in the area they grew up in and have family in. You can move to a cheaper area which we did (DH and I) as we were born in North and South West London so Londoners and grew up there but we didn’t want to move out of the southeast due to family and familiar links. Where we live now has become expensive but I can understand why people don’t just want to leave their roots, it is just a strong a feeling as people who are from Cornwall or parts of the North, why is it different for people from the south east?

Not a supportive forum at all. I have been shocked at the amount of comments showing a complete lack of empathy. I get sometimes people just need a reality check and it needs to be put bluntly but I see a lot of comments that are just nasty, judgemental and ignorant for no reason. Not just women either, there are men posting negative things.

So true @Goldenbear. I’ve lived in Sussex my whole life (apart from a short time living in London). All my family and friends are here. My parents and most of my grandparents were from Sussex. My husband is local too so all his family and friends are here. It’s where my roots are.

Sure, if I was completely destitute perhaps I would have to consider moving somewhere cheaper but I will do everything I can to avoid that as I simply don’t want to move somewhere where I don’t know anyone and the landscape is unfamiliar. I don’t think that makes me a bad person 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m nowhere near a six figure salary and never will be!

No YANBU.

I’ve been quite shocked by the levels of aggression and unkindness. I think the typical MN poster comes on here to bash others a bit to release tension of their own. This either takes the form of denigrating the OP or throwing themselves so blindly in fierce support that anyone with a slightly nuanced viewpoint has to be torn to shreds. The language is often foul, the reasoning overly simplistic and reductionist. Moderated viewpoints need not apply.

I think Mumsnet and AIBU in particular is great at getting genuine opinions and perspectives.
The responses when you pose a scenario will not always be in line with your own views, that’s the whole point.
I agree that sometimes people respond more harshly than is perhaps warranted. But sometimes a harsh dose of reality is what people need.
If you just want people to agree with you, there’s no point in posting. Speak to friends or family instead, and tell them you are looking for comfort, not advice.

I don't think it's very 'know your place', because it has nothing to do with appropriate behaviour in the face of status or seniority. It's just simply not actively deriding someone – more fruitful, helpful and productive conversations can be had and people far, far more receptive when they aren't being spoken to with such profound hostility.

I also doubt that most time when an OP or other posters are spoken to very poorly, that it is out of rage, it comes out of oneupmanship and the enjoyment of snark, derision and the attempt to make someone feel bad. You can very clearly read it in the tone. Regardless, I'm also not sure productive conversations can be had when someone is full of rage.

Most people posting out of worry are not shit people. And they quite simply don't deserve it.

Totally agree.
I’m tired of responses on threads such as

“get a grip”
”grow up”
“jog on”
“oh do piss off”
“ODFO”

It’s just nasty and is not what some people call ‘a reality check’ it’s just divisive and horrible.

So much bitterness and resentment carried around by people.

I think the problem is not differing viewpoints, it’s the fact that it gets delivered with such derision or anger. Of course it’s obvious to all that this betrays a sore spot or Achilles heel of the poster; but it still can be offputting to wade through the vitriol.

The thing I find sad is that so many people have fallen so deep into negativity now that when you try to up the general mood of a thread, or tell someone actually things may not be as bad as they seem people SLAUGHTER you- how dare you introduce any light in here! That’s why I think people should stay on here, otherwise it’s as bad as the really bad corners of Twitter. People need hope edited to add: and some people sadly don’t have anyone else to offer it

That's the point of these forums though, people can say what they feel. If it was all 'there there dear' it'd be fairly useless. I don't post if I'm not mentally up to it.

The replies you’re getting on here are all a case in point 🤣🤣
I hate the sitting on the fence with arms crossed type replies, all judgement with no helpful advice but maybe that’s just me☺️

Yes but there are ways and ways …

Yes, I don’t think any of that is unreasonable. I’ve found a lot of support here when I was having a complicated pregnancy, and one time Mn was just wonderful in advising what might be wrong with my toddler in severe discomfort when I had just arrived in a remote holiday location. There are absolutely things I don’t like about it in terms of widespread attitudes, some low standards in relationships, some deeply odd ideas about male/female friendships etc, but you’ll find stuff you don’t like in any big online forum.

People have strong ties to places that happen to be the ‘Home Counties’ like you are demonstrating but people just associate home counties with a certain stereotype on here so you are never going to get any sympathy. Although do feel a bit bad as we are in Sussex and obviously originally Londoners but that’s distant youth now. We have family in Oxford, North London and Sussex now, we wouldn’t want to move further away as it feels like home like you it would have to be very down on our luck and we aren’t in that position. I’m not even saying we personally aren’t lucky but on MN it Is definitely 6 figure equates to SE life of luxury!

Also “ that’s a batshit opinion”.

Threads that are basically a string of LTB ( no one dare point out DH might have had another view in the situation.

And the amateur psychology that goes on There’s barely a thread where the words toxic, narcisstic, passive aggressive or abusive are not fired out - usually in such a way as to ride roughshod over any nuanced assessment of the behaviour or its motivations.

I know. But this place is representative of many parts of society. All sorts of people. All sorts of experiences. That's what makes it so good. And when someone acts the arse there's generally loads of support for an OP too. But as I said earlier on, I wouldn't tend to post if I was feeling ropey, because I would know I was opening myself up to all sorts of opinions and not all of them positive. There is a personal responsibility bit here.

You didn’t have to always be mentally up for MN, it wouldn’t have occurred to me to only go on MN 15 years ago, 10 even if I was mentally up for it.

And it’s actually the people least mentally up for it who are most in need of the forum.

I think what’s tricky are those who are here for entertainment ( or tension release) wading in where there is a real issue at the other end for OP.

But I can only speak for now I suppose? When I was initially on MN, it was 13 years ago, and it purely pregnancy related. Then I found AIBU 😂

Tbh t'internet is not the most sensible place to seek warm hugs and hand holds from

Like anywhere online

People may need those things... but expectations of it from online forums are doomed...

Raw anger at someone complaining about life being tough?

Because that's what the thread is about. About people having a tough time, posting about it and people being unempathic and dismissive in response and the OP had hoped it would be more supportive.

And then people lost the point of the thread including you, and you felt someone was demanding you disguise your rage and 'know your place'????

When you post here though, you are essentially. talking to a cross section of society. So someone complaining about their life on their 6 figures can sound ridiculous to someone on the dole. Someone on 6 figures can look at a dole recipient and think 'get up off your arse and work'. It is what it is.