To think some parents can't accept their kids are just normal & average?

[Devonco]

In my children's circles there are some parents (very wealthy & highly educated) who refuse to accept their dc are average & normal.
They are constantly complaining their dc aren't pushed enough in school, aren't getting on better in extracurriculars etc.. Throw money at the "problems" then complain..
Also openly despise children who aren't as affluent as theirs surpassing theirs academically & in extracurriculars..
Drives me batty & I feel they should just let their lovely dc at peace & let them find their own path

In my experience as a nanny- private school children aren’t allowed to be average.

@FanofLeaves it's extremely sad. The open snobbery is also very evident. The families I am referring to are openly disparaging about less well off high achieving dc's.. Thankfully their dc haven't noticed.
But it's such an entitled attitude that because they themselves are high achievers their dc need to be too... And when it doesn't happen everyone around them is at fault!

Oh my gosh YES!!! Yes a million times over. Teacher in a private school (reception, no less... they're 4) and the amount of pressure and the expectations some parents have. So so rarely do I get a parent who says they just want their child to be happy, when surely a child who is kind and happy is honestly the best thing you could ask for? It makes me want to scream. As the mother of a child who nearly died due to severe birth injury and has subsequent lifelong disabilities, I just want to shake these people and say you have a darling happy and healthy child, why is that not enough??

And, in my less charitable moments, I want to tell them you can't make a silk purse out if a sows ear... And that's ok. There's nothing wrong with sows ears!

Right??? I have a friend whose kids are in private school and constantly blames the school for stuff that honestly, it’s just the kids being average. Once I asked so what if they are don’t flourish/ achieve as you expect? Would you consider pulling them out and putting them in public school? The bewildered look I got! (My child also goes to private school; no I don’t think they’re exceptional)

My personal theory is that these "pushy parents" have an over-obsession with social status. It's the absolute acme of life, to them, and I suspect that they have several unfulfilled educational and social ambitions which they, selfishly, visit on their children.

Thus, normal and average certainly will not do!

But this sets the kids up for guilt and unhappiness if they fail in their parents eyes. Not to mention mental health setbacks which could blight them for life.

It’s the ones who actually have possible undiagnosed SEN that I feel most sorry for. I’ve seen it happen more than once. They need recognition and support but some of these kinds of parents just can’t entertain the idea, so even when the school raises a possible issue, the parents won’t have it. I worked with a little boy recently who definitely had quite major sensory issues and concentration problems and was struggling but according to his parents he was just ‘quirky’ but ‘academically mathematically brilliant’ (he could, and frequently did, count to 100 and backwards again, but couldn’t sit for more three minutes or recognise any letters in his name at age 4) I really feel sad when I think of how he’s getting on now.

From a school perspective, I see 2 sides of this

• parents who are completely unrealistic about their child's abilities, and blame either their child or school or both when don't live up to their expectations - which can be hugely demoralising for the child

• parents whose high acheiving child's needs are not being met by a school, and when the parent asks how the school is going to support their child to acheive to best of their ability, they get labelled as 'pushy and unrealistic' when actually they know their child well and just want best for them. Again, a situation where the child looses out.

Ultimately, as an outsider, it can be hard to see if the 'pushy parent' is unrealistic, or just fighting for what their child needs.

You need a balance. A lot of kids need a bit of a push. Life is hard and competitive, if you want them to be independent and earn enough to live a comfortable life then they need to know the value of applying themselves and working hard from early on, imo.

Obviously they still need to chance to be kids though.

It's just the level of entitlement from certain parents that gets me!
They expect their child will be musical & blame the music teacher when their child is not. The most musical kids in dc's school are Eastern European, these kids seem to have a natural flair for music & always play solos in the school concerts. Their parents have explained they themselves had rigorous training as children in Eastern Europe & can help the children practice at home which speeds up progress .. The pushy parents just blame the teachers when there's lack of progress as they are just entitled enough to think their child should be fantastic as they are paying & because they themselves are highly educated parents..

Ds has been at private school from age of 3, he’s 15 now and in year 10. He’s academically very “average”. Which is fine by me and Dh. More importantly ds is a kind, empathetic and sensible young man, that matters far more to me.

Yes have worked in education and this most definitely is true. Yes encourage your kids to aim high, but please be realistic!

I don't know if the reasons/motivations are always quite as unpleasant as they might seem, e.g. arrogant, entitled, thinking they and by extension their kid should and must be the best, etc.

I think some of them might just be acting the same way lots other parents do, by assuming their children are going to be like them. Some of them are probably just going with what they know, which is a school trajectory of high academic achievement. It's still not a great approach, obviously — children will be who they'll be, not mini-mes — but you see it happening much more broadly than this, with parents who, maybe, place a lot of importance on appearance imposing that on the kid, or sporty parents assuming their kids will be great at sports and pushing that on their children, and all kinds of stuff really.

If two high academic achievers meet and have kids, their combined experience of school is that you fly through it at the top of the top sets, are recognised constantly for your academic achievements, find the work and the homework reasonably easy and are rewarded with top grades for putting in effort. That's what they're familiar with and know how to deal with. They don't know what it's like to be academically average or struggling, and have no idea how that situation plays out or should be handled. Their own experience is of being told that average grades aren't good enough, and that they need to work hard for top grades. Why wouldn't their default assumption be that their kid will be much like them in this respect, and if the child's not getting exceptional results that means something's not right with the school? (I mean, it shouldn't be their default assumption, but humans aren't always perfectly rational.)

I'm sure some of the parents you're talking about are just arseholes, but I wonder whether some of them are parents who only know how to use a hammer, when their kid is a screw.

One parent openly complained about another child getting the lead in the school play..
Child is very talented & does drama outside school.. Pushy parents quibble was not about the child's talent but that her parents were not on the PTA & "did nothing to support the school" 😂

Great to hear. I wish that kind of attitude was more commonplace with the families I’ve worked with. There’s certainly a LOT more to a person than academic prowess.

I’ve seen a lot of posts insisting their child ‘must have some kind of SEN’ as they don’t get great marks across the board, or have one subject they’re fairly weak in.

Reminds me of the time when my child played a sheep in the nativity and pushy mum’s child was Mary. I got there early and bagged a seat in the front row. I heard her proclaim loudly from behind me “I feel I should be in the front row as my child has a KEY PART!”

Let’s face it, parenting is mainly a boring slog. Children are just new people and the world is overrun with people.

However, it feels better if your children are different and special. Most of us see our own babies as being unusually cute, then they grow up to be particularly clever, or have some other talent. I believe it’s nature’s way of encouraging us to persevere with them.

Some parents are a bit much. It is not good parenting to push children to an extent that gives them the constant message they are not good enough.
Any normal reasonable adult would be able to see that they should not seek to live their own life / process their own inadequacies or insecurities through their child.
Rich privileged folk do not attain such a position without being entitled / sharp elbowed / ruthless.....
Most of us are just average, our children will be. Hopefully. And kind and respectful, open minded, curious and hopeful. These are the things to aspire to. But these things won't bring in a big income and so are not valued so much

Remember a young mum solemnly explaining her Ds could not possibly attend the local primary due to his sporting prowess which they “would not be able to cope with”. He was 3 sitting there picking his nose.

I can understand it to some extent. I was a high achiever academically, DH not so much but is degree educated. I was shit at Maths and Science though. I kind of expected our children to be academic high flyers too - in the "you want the next generation to achieve even more than you did" kind of way.

They've all done ok, well above average, but nowhere near the top of the pile in a high-performing school. I've consistently ended up disappointed with public exam grades because I know they all have it in them to do better, though I have tried to keep that to myself. I just think they're not very good at doing exams, whereas it was exam technique that I relied on when I didn't have a lot of knowledge (I was lazy and did the bare minimum to get by!) They are all well and happy doing what they're doing, so that's the main thing.

I'd probably be considered highly educated but not affluent! Is it so wrong to want the best for our kids? Mine were supported, not pushed, and didn't get extra tuition. None of mine were sporty. Two were musical; the 3rd might have been if not deeply allergic to practising! If I had a complaint about the school, it would be that they focused most on the academically brilliant kids, and not so much on the middle-of-the-road or less able children.

I'd take average anyday 😅 slow and steady wins the race.

I remember winning a computer game against a kid with one of those parents...my gawd the dad went insane, he was so competitive. Yelling that they had practised this 😂😂 tutting and getting so mad...it was literally online bowling..a party game in our living room. I was thinking sheesh, this intense over that, what would school grades be like 😬

All children are above average...

Oh god this takes me back!! I liked my kids' primary school but the nepotism was off the scale! So many of the teachers were married/related to/friends with/in the same drama group as each other, etc and this translated to the 'favourites' that were picked year in, year out to do everything. It was a running joke among parents!

None of mine ever got a 'key part'! There were awards handed out for some praiseworthy behaviour throughout the year, and mine always got theirs May/June when they must have been mopping up the kids who hadn't had one - apart from when my mum died, and DC1 got one in December!

It didn't even make a difference when I joined the PTA lol!

I suppose if all your self worth is tied to how much money you make, how many people are below you in some professional and/or social hierarchy and how exceptional you think you are, it must be a bit galling if your DC ruin it all by being average.

My nephew is a nice fairly bright lad. According to his parents he is the 2nd coming. No it is that my sister didn’t do as well career wise as me. So much pressure on the lad