To think some parents can't accept their kids are just normal & average?

[Devonco]

In my children's circles there are some parents (very wealthy & highly educated) who refuse to accept their dc are average & normal.
They are constantly complaining their dc aren't pushed enough in school, aren't getting on better in extracurriculars etc.. Throw money at the "problems" then complain..
Also openly despise children who aren't as affluent as theirs surpassing theirs academically & in extracurriculars..
Drives me batty & I feel they should just let their lovely dc at peace & let them find their own path

That wasn’t our experience in two good state schools so I feel very grateful. Excellent teaching across many subjects including ones us parents were not good at so they definitely brought out skills in my kids we weren’t expecting

I've got average kids at private school! I guess there might be a bit more pushiness on the school because you expect more from the school when you are paying for it! I've not noticed other parents to be like this, but I bet some of them are on at the teachers all the time etc.

Not quite the same but my mum (my DC’s grandmother) thinks the sun shines out of their arses and they are most certainly ‘exceptional’. It cracks me and my OH up and we regularly take the piss out of her. Every time she sees one of them in a new item of clothing she waxes lyrical about how much the colour suits them (every colour suits them it seems). We generally try to remember that most children are average by definition and try not tk create an environment where they feel like they need ti be exceptional at everything.

Probably 20 years ago I was in a house that privately educated, it was the day the grammar places came out …. Her daughter had got in , but as wasn’t the top one , they were going continue private. A school friend hadn’t passed , parents sent grandparents to pick her up as they couldn’t bare to look at her !

As a teacher, I can absolutely confirm you are correct. 😂

Reminds me of a news article which stated nearly 50% of children received a below-average score in some test or other- um, THAT'S HOW AVERAGES WORK.

Private school parents are the absolute worst for this. 🙄

"Why isn't she in the top set for Maths?"
"Because there are only two sets, and over 50% of the children in the year are better at Maths than she is."
Cue horrified look.

You can be average in private school, the school accepts it - thry do support improvement but they are realists about everything.

Pushy parents are a different matter....

Ref the family you descrive though, how sad their kids aren't allowed to grow up surrounded by nurture.

It seems these days that it's either 'learning difficulties/spectrum/disabled' etc... or genius, with no middle ground.

It seems everyone these days has some 'label', whether justified or parent-appointed, so if you're not one of the 'diagnosed', your child automatically qualifies as a genius.

I have an older son who is very academic but I also have a younger son who struggles academically and isn’t keen on school, he’d rather be running through the forest learning about nature and the things around him than sat in a classroom, he is knowledgeable but not in the academic sense. They are what they are and I’m equally proud of them, I’ve never pressured them. My main goal is raising two respectful and caring young men which I feel I have done.

It's not even just academically, it's musically & in extracurriculars. These parents expect their kids to be grade 5 even if they havn't an ounce of musicality, expect them to be sporty, stars of the school show etc... What if the child is a huge reader? It's not appreciated as it's not a tangible boasting talent.. The child is very kind & includes every kid in their games.. Not enough.. These parents need real bragging rights!

You've contradicted your argument there. Eastern Europeans 'push' their kids. You said it: rigorous training and extra work at home from an early age. What exactly do you think pushing is? And why is it to be applauded in some cases and derided in others? It sounds like you have an axe to grind or a chip on your shoulder or something.

I agree with @TheCoffeeNebula.
My kids did go to private school, one very high achiever, one average.
I think many parents, private or state, see their children's achievements as a direct reflection of them. Especially if you are a high achiever yourself, to see your child not meeting that expectation is hard, and easier to 'blame' someone or something else.
One poor girl at my kids' school was 'average'. Her father, a self made man of not particularly high intelligence but expecting that private school would be the golden ticket, just wouldn't accept it. He harassed the head no end. I mean he was notorious for it. He then moved his child to another school which he at first claimed was 'much better and she was doing great'. But low and behold two years later she was back. I think he calmed down when she was in secondary as there were obviously other kids doing better and he couldn't put a blanket blame on the school for the fact his wasn't.
But the girl must know inside that she is a disappointment to her father, which is tragic.
My experience with my kids is you can encourage and support, but throwing money at it isn't going to suddenly create an A student if your child is a B or C - in fact for some kids that C or B may be the result of lots of hard work and should be as celebrated as much as an A star in another. Fortunately most of my friends recognise this and are accepting of their children's level, though say your child got a distinction at Grade 8 piano or an A star or is going to Cambridge/Durham/Imperial and watch people's eyes light up... that's a hard drug to give up. Pride in your children is normal, and people want something tangible to be proud of.

No! The Eastern European parents themselves had a rigorous academic & musical childhood not their children here in the UK! However due to this musical background they recieved in schools they can help their own dc to a level in music that most parents cannot.
They understand & appreciate music & do not need to spend nearly as much money on it barr the equipment etc.. The dad of one of the kids can also tune pianos & violins, does the schools every year voluntarily.

When I was first teaching (I started in 1981), we still had O levels and CSEs (for the too young to know, CSEs were the exams that less academically able kids were entered for at age 16). As teachers, we had to make a decision, based on their progress, grades, etc, quite early in Y11. I taught in state schools.

Every year, I'd be besieged by parents pleading for me to enter their child for O level - as if he (it was an all boys school) was going to magically pass it having been entered. Some would get quite nowty about it, despite their child's grades showing he was on for a grade 4 (they went 1-6, with 1 being the highest) at best.

A friend of mine very much climbed the social ladder when she got married. Her DS is in private prep. Her sister has not climbed the social ladder and has five kids, the youngest of which is the same age as my friend’s DS. There was absolute hell on when she found out her working class nephew was a higher reading level than her privately educated DS. Her husband is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and tells me he literally can’t take the pressure anymore

Children have different talents and abilities, schools need to help them find their talent and nurture it. I'd never tell a child they were "normal and average". Some childrens talents are not academic, doesnt mean they dont have one.

My child was not supported at (state) schools and I was the "pushy parent" in the school's eyes because my child's talents were not recognised. The school would have said they were average. They outperformed in their final exams quite a lot of those the school rated more highly. No tutors for my child, probably were for some of the ones they outperformed.

Despite teachers belief that they always know better than the parents they dont.

😅

I once accidentally won a game of wii tennis against a friend's child. I had been trying to let him win because I knew how it would go down if not. But it turned out to be quite difficult to lose.

The child had a massive tantrum (as in falling to the floor and pummelling it - bit odd for a preteen... there are definite SEN issues involved but the parents refuse to acknowledge).

My friend insisted I play again and convincingly lose this time. I mean is failure occasionally not just part of life??

In my experience that is not the case. Children in private schools are given the opportunities and encouragement to find out what they are good at. All children will be good at something given the chance.

I've spent most of my teaching career in private schools (relatively inexpensive, less selective ones). The cohorts have been skewed towards academically average kids, since the brighter ones will have got into more selective schools and the very weakest won't have got into ours. Also, parents are more likely to move a child into the private sector who isn't thriving in the state sector, often because they are just being completely lost in the crowd.

Most of the parents are lovely and actually most of them are quite realistic about their child's attainment. It's just the minority who can be an absolute PITA, make parents' evenings unpleasant and have completely unrealistic expectations about what their money can buy in terms of their children's academic attainment. Unfortunately, those are the parents who stick in my mind.

That's the thing. You're more likely to find something you're good at and enjoy when the school has horses and there's a riding club, amazing dance studios etc.

Quite a few of our pupils go on to do vocational qualifications instead of A-Level or instead of uni. Some working with horses, others in hospitality etc. They get a lot of support and guidance at finding their niche.

I know a family with ridiculous high ambitions for their offspring. Child shows some proficiency in art or interest in film making: child will become a famous artist or director. The oldest has no job after dropping out of college. Sure they will make something of themselves when left to it.

Sense of entitlement. I had a neighbour who planned their children's lives out from birth. She totally expected all the good things in life were going to fall in their laps without even trying.

Yes it's a shame some parents attempt to push children beyond their capabilities. A girl in my class back in the day failed the 11 plus for the state grammar. The parents tried everything to get her in, private tutoring, entrance exams etc, probably tried bunging the head master a few quid but this poor girl just couldn't cut the mustard. I remember my parents talking about it (they were friendly with the parents) it's over 50 years ago and I never found out where she ended up.
Hopefully happy and fulfilled in a career/life she enjoyed 😉

Why do you spend time with people like this?

I thought kids had to sit an exam to get into a private school ?