To think some parents can't accept their kids are just normal & average?

[Devonco]

In my children's circles there are some parents (very wealthy & highly educated) who refuse to accept their dc are average & normal.
They are constantly complaining their dc aren't pushed enough in school, aren't getting on better in extracurriculars etc.. Throw money at the "problems" then complain..
Also openly despise children who aren't as affluent as theirs surpassing theirs academically & in extracurriculars..
Drives me batty & I feel they should just let their lovely dc at peace & let them find their own path

@cadburyegg that's awful fecking entitled behaviour.. So she just wants her child getting all the extras other children need & deserve because it's "her" child!
The "there is only one child that matters in this world & it's mine" attitude is ridiculous! I hope the school don't pander to her

No I'm not peeved about the financial aspect, it's parents sense of entitlement & just not accepting they have a normal, average child that pisses me off!

@Seedpods , such a bitchy comment. 😱

Not intended bitchily, actually. I don’t mean ‘sow’s ear’ in a derogatory way, more as ‘intellectually ordinary’. I think a certain type of person is petrified their child will be ‘left behind’ by all the more able children, hence the hysteria about ‘good schools’ (private and state), OFSTED reports etc.

@Seedpods exactly! And the sad thing is these children are doing absolutely fine, plodding along at their own pace but unfortunately that's not good enough for their entitled parents who expect them to be brightest & best just because... And they can't handle the fact their child isn't in top set when other "lesser" (in their eyes!) dc have made the cut.. They blame everyone around them but can't handle the fact their children are just average, normal dc.

Oh god, this thread is reminding me of a mum I knew at primary school who was just relentlessly pushy for her kids. Her dd - a friend of my dd - always came top of the class, always won cake competitions or world book day or whatever. When they did their SATS, pushy mum got her dd extra time - god knows how. The one thing she didn't get her way was when my dd got a place on the football team and hers didn't. SHE RANG ME TO DEMAND I PULL MY KID OUT, so hers could have the place! I ended up suggesting that maybe it would be a good experience for her dd to not always win all the prizes. That went down well.

But more seriously, I think many mc parents absolutely do assume their kids are and will be above average, and that something is going very wrong if they're not. When I was adopting dd2 the social workers made quite an issue of this, as in their experience adopters really struggle with the idea that their kids may not be academically sparkling. That is indeed the case with dd2, who will not be troubling university with her presence, and lots of friends have urged advice to get her 'back on track'. I just say it's not her track, and watch their haunted faces as they struggle to imagine how you can have a worthwhile life without a degree.

I have to admit since becoming a parent it is funny seeing how some people approach it..

One of the school parents only talks about her son. That's all she can talk of. She's utterly obsessed with him, and thinks we're interested.

We are not. I don't care, at all.

She cannot see his flaws at all.

It's astounding

It's depressing tbh to see how 'those' parents are setting their kids up to fail. If they always manipulate their kids into being top dog while they are young, that's fine and dandy, but the kids will likely struggle later when they realise that they're not the best at everything and mammy can't fix everything for them. Soft skills are very important for actually succeeding in real life.

These are really good points. I’ve had to say to the teachers that I have no clue what level DD should be achieving, as she is so different to me that all my yardsticks are inappropriate. Stuff I was bad at she is good at, and vise versa. I’ve read about child development, brain development and learning etc., but it doesn’t really help me to know if she is achieving to HER potential or not, so I just ask how it’s going and what they think I should be doing to support her.

I knew one of these. She had a PHD and her husband was also well qualified. Three kids all of them average but obviously you couldn't say this.

Two of them went through uni. One refused to go and worked an ordinary job which went down like a lead balloon.

With the eldest DD, l know she wrote her MA thesis for her to get her through.When she completed this and applied for a job both parents worked on her job applications passing them back and forth until all was good. She was successful. They were then smugly boasting to anyone who would listen that she had seen off 200 other applicants. It was a modestly paid entry level job.

We have it socially. Several friends sent their children private to better their social circle. Dd who is at the comp socialises with the local teen mixed private and state school jet set and is therefore invited to every posh event going as their families love her. My friends dds (normal and average) are still not invited despite actually being at the private school. They are struggling with this and see it as unfair. They have even said so so it’s not me imagining it!

That’s ridiculous

Most parents think their children are the most wonderful things to grace the planet - and that's the way it should be.

You seem to be talking about two different issues because you also mention pushing children too hard/ privileged/ wealthy parents being snobbish about less wealthy children surpassing theirs - which is awful, but is a completely different thing.

In response to your title question - most parents can't accept that their kids are average because as parents, they are biased, and that's completely normal! All children need their parents to be their cheerleaders.

Are these the same type of parents who think that they are rich but actually mortgaged to the hilt, trying to maintain their social standing?l by keeping up with the Jones’?

Our DC when to a very affluent village school and there were quite a few parents like this. Then you have those who were very rich, and very poor, and were the loveliest people to socialise with.

Having seen the false pity delivered to my parents when I was unsuccessful at 11+ from parents like this, I have learnt to pay no attention. They were immigrants who did not know the UK education system and did not have funds for private primary education so I was very much on the back foot and was academically above average but nothing exceptional. I still ended up at the same universities as their children (with better A levels!) on the same courses and then we competed for the same jobs. Some of them no longer work and just live on family wealth - each to their own

I have family members who were those exceptional gifted and talented children at schools but have zero work ethic in employment. Great they performed in all the concerts and got the top grades and first class degrees but they are stuck in relatively low paid jobs because they don’t know how to function properly in a business.

Best thing I’ve learnt is to smile and nod, never engage in a competition about your child’s achievements and let them believe theirs is the best. They will learn one day

An ex of mine was a product of this. Sent off to a top boarding school young with high aspirations. With intensive tuition he achieved reasonable (not high) gcse results, mediocre a-levels and just scraped a 2:2 degree. His parents were always disappointed by his grades, thinking he should have achieved more. The facts of it were that he really was of low average intelligence, with poor executive function and critical thinking skills, and that the expensive school had worked miracles to get him the grades he got.

He struggled in the world of work, both intellectually and practically, because the jobs he was going for to impress his parents, that he was technically (only just) qualified for, were actually really out of his depth without extra tuition etc. He also had a lot of trauma from boarding school and, of course, from his unrealistic parental expectations. He was an absolute mess psychologically.

I suspect undiagnosed autism - lots of sensory issues, communication difficulties, social difficulties etc - which his (possibly also autistic) parents would never have acknowledged even if he had been able to get a diagnosis. So he was never able to be or be accepted as 'himself' as a child, and the consequences have been severe in adulthood.

I do worry about children pushed to get good grades at any cost. Yes, it might open some doors, but without a deeper understanding of themselves and a potentially artificial sense that they are 'clever' (whatever that really means) it can come with a whole host of issues down the line.

My circles arent like that so I can't relate, sort of the opposite really, though can believe it happening. For me it's more about meeting potential, I don't expect my children to be 9 across the board students, but if their targets are 7s I expect them to get 7s and I expect their effort to be high. So I'm quite pushy in that regard and if they're underperforming I am the one at school seeking help as to how to get it resolved, but if I was told they're doing the best they can and are peaking, I wouldn't push hard unless the grade was below an acceptable pass.

This resonates with me. Back in the 80s my parents moved me from state to private for years 5-7 as I wasn’t doing well at the state primary. I did very average/slightly below average there and had extra tuition provided by the school for maths (which I was terrible at). I was moved part way through year 8 back to the state sector where I spectacularly fell through the cracks academically.

My parents never got me extra tuition which I really needed, and the school didn’t give a hoot (despite being a popular, well-regarded school). Aside from English I didn’t do as well as I could have done in any other subjects than if I’d continued having extra support.

My DM still says it was my fault for not ‘taking advantage of my education at the private school,’ and that had I done much better they would have kept me there but they were wasting their money on private school fees. She also says she thought I was a bit thick. Why do some parents think a private school is suddenly going to turn their child into a high-achiever? Not to mention actually telling the child the above comments.

I don’t know why parents are like this because academic ability isn’t really the most important and I’m surprised they can’t see it if they’re high achieving themselves. The most important thing is work ethic and enthusiasm. If children are being forced and spoon fed into study and achievement they will crash and burn the moment they enter the real world. Dh had a pushy, hyper critical mother. He’s very intelligent in certain areas but basically spent his whole school career never having to put in any effort for those exams, being told he was so gifted he could do anything he wanted. Got to top university and crashed out spectacularly as he’s actually naturally very lazy. Plus he never saw the point in striving for anything he wasn’t the best at because when he did it was criticised so he never saw the point applying himself. He’s struggled massively with the world of work and is probably ‘underemployed’.

This will probably be an unpopular opinion but schools just don’t seem to be doing a great job of teaching right now. When parents know they have a smart capable kid at home but they keep getting crappy marks at school then something doesn’t add up. Private schools especially are supposed to uncover a kids potential and get the best out of them. Every child has strengths that should be built on but schools now seem to excel at discouraging kids

Ditto for my nephew and the in-laws boasting has reached a new level since he’s moved to a private school. He’s been referred to as the Second Coming by DH’s other family too due to the relentless boasting.

Our DS is the same age as nephew and is now waiting for an Ed Psychologist assessment as he’s not doing as well in school as he could be (initially they thought dyslexia but now not so sure). I won’t lie that I feel disappointment that DS is not doing that well at primary and I worry about secondary school being not that far away, but never in a million years would I let him know that. He’s a loving and kind person, popular with his peers for the right reasons (the school tell us this), so we value and celebrate his achievements without comparison to others. It is made harder listening to the constant prattle from the in-laws, and then the PIL also pass on details, but have to learn to ignore this.

That’s not an unpopular opinion but when you consider what teachers are up against, class sizes, behavioural issues and lack of funding for SEN support, the huge amount of admin and planning and Ofsted box-ticking, incredibly tight budgets or simply no money for resources then it’s hardly surprising.

@Airworld the traits you have listed will take your son far.
The parents I have referred do don't rate kindess, getting along with peers etc.. All we hear is that they aren't challenged, never picked, teachers have favourites etc.. They just feel their child is entitled to be front & centre due to their careers or feeling they have influence due to pta etc...

Sometimes kids show us their true talents and parents don’t want to see them. I know a boy who’s great at cooking, bakes etc but parents haven’t encouraged that for gcse. Being a chef can be an excellent career but perhaps not aspirational enough for this family.

Likewise a talented girl we’ve seen in countless school plays whose parents insist she does law at university. She has a rare talent and is prob one who could actually make it in that world but the parents don’t think it’s a safe option.

I think we need to let our kids find their path more and it might not look like A levels. Maths degrees etc

Yes my sister-in-law once informed me that her sister-in-law's kids had a teacher who was awful. (This was before we had kids ourselves but I am a primary school teacher). I commiserated as I know there are some shocking bad teachers out there, I've worked with some of them. When I asked what the problem was I was told that the teacher had called their child average at the PTM. I probed and in fact the teacher hadn't worded it like that but had said she was average at Maths or English or something.

I explained that it's better for the teacher to be honest about academic achievement and better to be meeting expectations than not and of course not everyone cab be above average - that's just plain statistics.

I've only met these parents a handful of times but they are well to do, and very opinionated on all things parenting. I felt sorry for the "awful" teacher who just told the truth at the PTM and the "average" child who is lovely but unfortunately not a mathematical genius.