To think some parents can't accept their kids are just normal & average?

[Devonco]

In my children's circles there are some parents (very wealthy & highly educated) who refuse to accept their dc are average & normal.
They are constantly complaining their dc aren't pushed enough in school, aren't getting on better in extracurriculars etc.. Throw money at the "problems" then complain..
Also openly despise children who aren't as affluent as theirs surpassing theirs academically & in extracurriculars..
Drives me batty & I feel they should just let their lovely dc at peace & let them find their own path

Just wondering why females always get the derogatory terms? Why doesn't the saying use "boar" instead of "sow"? 🙂

I remember an astonishing conversation with a work colleague. Her son was at a private school and had failed to get into Cambridge to study maths. My niece, who was at a state school did get in and her response was that it was unfair as Cambridge prioritised those from state schools over private schools and that was why!

In my opinion, if a child under performs, it's not because they are not smart, but because they didn't understand the topic on which they were tested. It's less to do with status or wealth, and more to do with how that subject has been taught and how the child has been subsequently supported to cement the learning that was made in the first instance.

But how do you tell the difference between ‘underperforming’ and ‘performing at their expected level, which isn’t very high because they’re academically average or slightly below’?

As the mother of a child who nearly died due to severe birth injury and has subsequent lifelong disabilities, I just want to shake these people and say you have a darling happy and healthy child, why is that not enough??

Completely agree with this. These people don't know they are born. Try being a SEND parent having to spend six months fighting an LEA to get them to issue an EHCP and see how you like it then.

They are parents in the school & on the parents association we have known for years. The Easter European parents are lovely, know their own strengths & their kids, know how they can support their kids without blaming the school & their kids are thriving. Just giving an example. They don't expect their dc to be musical maestros just because they "should" be...

I mean why do you spend time with people that you say are entitled and complain and whinge all the time? Your giving them the time of day otherwise you wouldn’t know so much about their opinions on their children’s supposed failings.

perhaps if you didn’t give them air time it wouldn’t be an issue for you

@CultOfRamen i have to see them at pta meetings, lift sharing with my children for activities, school gates, playdates. My dc are friends with theirs, their dc are actually lovely & I wouldn't jeopardise my dc's friendships due to pita parents.

In the circle I live in, there are absolutely no children with undiagnosed SEN. Quite the opposite. Everyone is desperate to find a private educational psychologist to diagnosed their precious offspring with anything that could explain away average performance and potentially get them extra time in their exams in order to meet their full potential 🙄

I think some of them might just be acting the same way lots other parents do, by assuming their children are going to be like them

This was me 😳
I just had no idea what secondary education looks like outside of the top sets. Its like there was too sets, a Levels and Uni. And then, outside of that a blank space marked "failure".

My son is due to start secondary soon and it took me reading all the schools guidance on different paths at 14, 16 and 18 to fill in that blank space.

There's loads of different stuff going on! All of it a full and productive life for a teenage boy. All of it with a sensible path of progression into adulthood.

I've had to give my head a wobble.

I don't think many people would be happy to realise that half the population has to be below average...

Maybe there are some parents like that but there will also be genuine cases and disparaging comments such as this are in poor taste IMO. My DD is extremely academically able and also has invisible SEN. She has extra time in exams. I have found the number of rude DC who feel it is their business to know exactly why and to express their view whether they think she needs it or not quite appalling. Parents are equally unqualified to judge whether or not someone is deserving of extra time.

Who are these hideous people you know?! Most normal parents go very quiet when their kids hit the teen years. Many teens flatly refuse to keep up with the worthy activities. Mine refused to do DofE. Teen parents know we are all one phone call away from disaster and boasting is tempting fate.

YABU - seems to be mostly the friends who have sent their kids to private school who are like this in the grps we know.
The state schoolers seem to be more realistic. Friend is banging on about how brilliant her DD is, too set this and that, school have said how she could get a pass at GCSEs now ( she’s 11!) - nice kid, bright but only became ‘exceptional’ after the move from state primary to private secondary.
Like most kids she’s good at some things, and not at others.
Have so far managed to bite my lip and point out that if you send a child to a school that has 350 pupils in total there’s a lot less competition, and maybe that translates to suddenly being the ‘best’ at lots of things.

It’s not healthy for the kids this race to be ‘exceptional’ ‘gifted’ and being the ‘best’ all the time. In my experience it makes them a lot less resilient when things don’t go their way - which will be a lot once they’re out of the private school, or the control of parents who can buy and tutor everything.

YANBU!!

it's pretty pathetic they've had to birth another person to validate their own lives. All i want is for my kids to be healthy, happy and kind, make their own choices, and put effort into whatever they do.

@unlimiteddilutingjuice fair play to you for your honesty

@Devonco I only know 2 people like this, but yes they certainly can't accept it. One was a school friend of my daughter both the son and daughter were pushed into activities they weren't particularly talented in. E.g singing, gymnastics and other sports, the mum would wax lyrical about how certain professionals had praised her children, but once I actually saw them preform it was always a bit cringe. She also tried to get her son into public schools on a scholarship, traipsing down to london to sit entrance exams several times, and it never came to anything. Secondly was a bf who had a little boy, who he just couldn't accept was average or below average on most things. If ever I asked about a certain activity he couldn't accept he was just a normal child, from football to bowling to parents evening. Telling me how amazing at maths he was when he didn't know the difference between a 20p and a 5p at 10 years old. Surely that's covered in reception? He bought him a basketball hoop and sent me a video of him missing the hoop about 20 times in a row, but captioned it "hes going to go pro" 🤯

Its well known that WC children tend to under achieve ,and MC over achieve .My own DD went to a good state school. and we helped her by arranging private tuition a range of activities and so on .She now has a Masters degree and is working in industry .Its good to bring out the best in DC

7% of the population are privately educated, 30% of entrants to Cambridge are 30% and 40% for Oxford - so clearly there is still a HUGE disparity… perhaps, just perhaps, your DN seemed like a better candidate to the Uni. Perhaps they thought she was smart, resilient, would work hard, maybe they just liked her better…

we have a friend who’s plan for her privately educated children is to pull them out for 6th to go to our very good local state 6th form. Like that will make the kids look like state candidates 🤦 They’re desperate to get their eldest into Oxbridge ( currently 12 years old) … even mentioned to me that My DC might have a better chance now as Oxbridge are ‘favouring’ state kids. I told her the truth- I couldn’t give a stuff where they go to university.
To me going to Oxbridge still means mainly one thing - you weren’t necessarily the smartest kid but you were the more privileged one. WC kids at Oxbridge are like hens teeth.

Haha I kind of get it tbh when you're paying all that money just for school them kids better be more than just average 😂😂

My kids go to a normal school and are pretty damn smart I can understand why someone who's paying thousands for their kid to just be average would be jealous of that 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is why we end up being governed by narcissistic politicians. It’s a traumatic way to bring up children.

Obviously there are children with SEN who require extra time in their exams. That wasn’t my point.

I was commenting on the trend at my kids school for anyone who is predicted 5’s and 6’s in their GCSE’s to start chasing any diagnosis they can. Shopping around for private Ed Psychs who can sign that off. Sharing the details of these Ed Psychs on the parents WhatsApp groups. It has become crazy. My DD comes home often telling me that so-and-so now has a diagnosis.

When telling a mum friend how awful my daughter is at Spanish, she’ll be lucky to even pass (in a light-hearted way, I don’t care that languages aren’t her thing) she asked if I’d ever considered that it’s just because she can’t focus on the vocab because maybe she has ADHD and I should try and get referred!

Yep. Live in an area where this is endemic.

Kids who are just average get pushed and hothoused in order to make the cut for the best schools.

Some parents are utterly vile in their attitude towards other people’s children and barely bother to disguise it - everything they say and do is from a competitive perspective and intended to push their own kids ahead at the expense of everyone else’s.

Delusional assessments of their own child’s talents and abilities. Insanely high expectations, ridiculously packed schedules and non-stop extracurricular nonsense.

I know two child psychologists locally, and they both have 8 month+ waiting lists and despair at the number of children from these households who are suffering from depression, stress and anxiety from a very young age; self harm and anorexia is rife. And the parents absolutely refuse to see or hear that it’s their own fault. They just want the kid ‘fixed’ and back on the rails.

I don’t experience any of this, I live in a normal middle class area and my child is at a nice, normal state primary. So you always have that option if you don’t like the pushy private school parents!