To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

what a shit show

so this incident aside…. you and mil always been fine? or something of a back story about to emerge

I'd have manhandled her if she manhandled my child.

Why did you accuse her of being racist?

Manhandling a toddler to force them to eat is just a complete no.

I have huge issues with my MIL but she always respected my choices when my children were that small even if she didn't agree with them.

You haven't ruined her relationship with her son and grandchild. She has done that by refusing to apologise. To your dc as well as you.

I think you stay away but let dh see her with dd - as long as you can trust him to enforce boundaries. He knows what she’s like, but needs to stop her overstepping again.

My comments depend on what the manhandling of your daughter actually involved and I suspect you and your MILs versions would be very different.

What a lot of drama. I don't agree with interfering MILs but not sure it merited shouting (in front of your poor daughter) and storming off to the car etc. That would really upset most three year olds.

Racist? 🤔

She was wrong and should apologise but I wouldn’t stop DH taking DD to see her as long as you tell him you won’t tolerate that sort of thing.
look in the past forcing children to eat their meals was acceptable, it is a generational thing. Also, what did you plan on feeding DD when she did inevitably get hungry later on?

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

I’m not sure sending that message or the racism discussion was helpful. The going to sit in the car was also over dramatic.

She manhandled your child!! WTF. You were way more measured than I would of been.

There is never a time of letting this go. What would she have done if you weren't there?

From someone was made to sit for hours looking at food I didn't like. Forcing food leads to a poor relationship with food and bad memories that last decades.

The racism was an analogy, I believe, to illustrate the victim having to explain why she was wrong. Not the best way to try and explain it though, imo.

To be clearer - I didn’t accuse her of being racist, but was using an analogy as she kept repeating that I should have told her she was being unreasonable. I had told her three times that she was but she said she needed to be told clearly so I used the analogy.

We also certainly didn’t ‘storm out’ to the car, my MIL was shouting at me to “go for a walk” and I felt a bit trapped - she lives in the middle of the countryside and it was dark. We needed to collect our bath time things anyway and my daughter asked if we could stay in the car to listen to music, so we did.

DH could see her as much as he wanted but I wouldn't let my DD near someone who manhandled her and especially not someone who felt comfortable doing it in front of her mother then minimised it after. Your DH should definitely not be saying "it's just how she is". It's physical abuse.

Your MIL literally ignored you, your parenting and what you wanted to physically manhandle your 3 year old infront of you?! That's unacceptable.

Well done protecting your DD. Apparently MIL has not heard of “my child my rules” I would not allow THIS incident to create a wedge. You addressed it got a satisfactory outcome you treated DD with care and MIL “lost” for a lazy summation. Of course be on guard for other such behaviors and perhaps babysitting is not in the cards. Be the bigger person go around MIL with DD and DH. See how it evolves. It’s amazing to me how adults still want to spank /force eat /punish and other absolutely barbaric parenting behaviors towards the GC! My 3 y.o great niece was spanked by her GM(not my sister) and when the child retaliated by biting the GM BIT HER BACK and this was over the 3yo fussing she wanted out of car seat. Complete lack of patience with child and a complete lack of realization of changes in parenting styles. Be mindful of MIL behavior as you already have been doing and the bar now is very low in terms of any other poor behavior on MIL part…meaning don’t do it MIL or I will “ruin the relationship”

She was absolutely in the wrong manhandling your child, but you now seem determined to get as much drama as you can out of it.

I have some advice because your MIL sounds very similar to my mum. And if my mum had sons, her relationship with her grandchildren would be very different, because no DIL would stand for her behaviour.

I recommend you let this die down. Tell your MIL that you wish to have a cooling off period where you think about things. If you truly belive MIL loves your child and this is just a clash of parenting styles/personalities, then give her a chance to redeem herself.

I think you and DH need to have a chat about what is acceptable to you. So stuff like: no laying hands on DD, being chilled about her eating, whatever else.

Then tell MIL as a united front the "rules". I would give her a chance, but give her space first so that she knows you're serious.

This is really good measured advice.

The manhandling involved dragging my daughter off her play train and forcing her onto MIL’s lap (DD kicking and screaming). DD had a bruise around the top of her arm (noticed in the bath later) so force was applied.

Her behaviour is disgusting. YANBU in the slightest.

No you absolutely should not let it go. Never leave your child with someone who would manhandle them in an attempt to force them to eat.

Trust has gone. Your MIL can't be trusted. She is ignorant and nasty with it. She has no respect for your wishes.

I might visit her again as a family if my partner wanted me to but no chance I would ever leave a child in her care. Hell would freeze over first.

You had already said all that needed to be said. So had your husband. There was no need for you to text her to further rub her nose in it.

We’re very different people, but had a reasonable relationship up until announcing pregnancy, at which point it was 2/3/4x daily phone calls, turning up announced, criticism of our parenting decisions, our house, how much I work etc…so sadly the introduction of a grandchild seems to have been the catalyst for overstepping boundaries.

My new retort to “that’s just the way they are” is “well. this is just the way I am”.

Sounds like a lot of this could have been avoided really. Better communication around what food your daughter likes to eat, some attempt to encourage your daughter to make an effort, less shouting and screaming, less storming off etc etc. It all just sounds like a whole lot of drama to me tbf 🤔 but then I've had not a similar sort of MiL run in so maybe its normal stuff.

I do agree with you though, in that just watching someone manhandle your child is a no-no, of course. So if you felt your daughter was in any sort of danger, you were right to pull her away. It all just sounds a bit .. MUCH over a bit of grub.