To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

As already said, shit show. Don’t think either of you are covered in glory here. It is not a “red flag” for MIL to prepare a meal of her choosing in her own home. It would also be reasonable to expect a child to try the meal rather than rejecting it on sight.

Obviously she should not have attempted to physically return child to table. (as already said it would be interesting to hear her account) You said you were happy with child's behaviour in this instance so she should have let it go no matter how unreasonable she felt it was. Obviously you have vastly differing parenting styles - she is authoritarian and you have chosen a completely different approach that’s alien to her.

So you sent a detailed message of your needs and wants. She responded by saying she needs you to tell her what you deem inappropriate - probably because, again your parenting style differs radically from hers she is not going to get it.
So, yes for the sake if your partner’s relationship with his family I would let it go - a grovelling apology from her is for your satisfaction only and is likely to be insincere. Will also increase any dislike MIL has for you and do nothing to foster a more amicable relationship.

She will probably not attempt to get child to do anything they don’t want to again to and leave it to you and husband. It’s not as if you are going to be leaving her alone with child anyway so she won’t be responsible.

I’m not sure why you can do than go quiet for a bit and see if she comes forward after some reflection

but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

He can shut up. This isn't just about you letting it go, in saying that he's also saying that three year old DD has to let it go.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table.

So he wants everything to go back to normal and therefore give his mother the idea that her behaviour is completely acceptable and she did nothing wrong?

Anyone who left a bruise on my child would never being seeing them again.

Nope she should have respected your decision as the parent that dd was fine to leave the table and not eat. At no point at all should she of laid hands on your child to try to force them to eat, she shouldn’t of needed to be told more that once as a fully grown ass adult that you the parent was happy for your child to leave the table and not eat.

The fact she has bruised your child though her force of wanting to make her eat means she wouldn’t be trusted to be anywhere near my child for quite some time.

Dh needs to grow a back bone and stop this “you know what she’s like” yeah an aggressive bully to a 3 year old child because she didn’t get her own way, when the child’s own parent is happy with the child.

I’d never see her again. She left a bruise?!

IMO it is incredibly bad manners not to even try to eat some food that someone has cooked for you and even a three year old can be asked to try something before deciding they don't like it. I don't know how much effort MIL went to for the meal, but I'd be really annoyed if I'd made a meal and my DC refused to even try it. Manhandling her to eat it and forcing a child to finish a meal is obviously wrong, but asking them to taste it before refusing to eat it is reasonable.

Making kids eat things they don't want to eat is now known to cause eating issues.

If you would be annoyed that a small child didn't eat your food, you are far too sensitive IMO.

I don't need anyone to eat my cooking just to please me.

I think what needs to happen now is just repeat that you 'don't want to keep going over the argument' and think it best if your MIL 'speaks to her son about this'.

Disengage. And keep your DD away as manhandling her like that is completely out of order.

Thanks, I wasn’t very clear about this aspect. We had agreed earlier in the day that my daughter would have pasta. MIL later refused this as “not a proper meal” and cooked fish (with the head and tail still on…) and chips instead. My DD had 3/4 forkfuls before asking to stop, which I definitely thought was a reasonable effort.

I mean the mil didn’t even check that it’s food the child likes and I don’t mean that as in can’t try something new but if she served up liver and onions I certainly wouldn’t be making my child try it nor would I make my child eat a dinner just because nannny made of it bangers mash and beans when say my child doesn’t like beans and the beans have touched everything.

Its much ruder to insinuate a parent doesn’t know what they are doing, go against them and then technically assault the child because If you’ve grabbed a child hard enough to leave marks when the child isn’t being saved from a danger like a incoming car or falling off a bridge you’ve let your anger over not getting your way as an adult lead you to be abusive to a child.

An abusive adult deserves zero respect because they cooked a dinner.

Yeah - nursery even noticed on the Monday, two days later, and an incident form had to be filled in (which I absolutely understand from a safeguarding POV).

Yeah I’m not eating fish with its head attached eyeballing me either.

she tried it so she did more than I would of.

Well in that case MIL definitely unreasonable. Nothing wrong with pasta (we had that tonight 😋) MIL should have stuck with what you agreed. DD tried the fish despite it having a head and tail (who makes that for a three year old - at least cut the head off)!

Totally with you OP. Your MIL sounds like mine. Not sure what planet other posters are from when they expect to be able to reason with a 3 year old and convince them to eat something they don't want to eat. 3 year olds are not capable of reasoning. Asking them to do so is setting them up to fail. If I'm not hungry or presented with a meal I didn't want, I wouldn't want to be physically manhandled and forced to eat it, completely unacceptable.

The lack of apology and empathy from MIL would really bother me. It's a classic "I'm sorry you feel this way/I don't know what your problem is". You could grey rock her, until she sees sense. You've set boundaries and she needs to respect them.
Or you could invite her to dinner at yours. Serve her all of her least favourite foods and when she doesn't eat it, punch her in the face. Then tell her you don't know what her problem is.

Classic narc behaviour. “I upset you but now you hate me so I’m the true victim”

Your experience of a 3 year old must be different to mine. I’m living the picky eating / no real interest in food EVER phase. So no, there is no way I could convince her to even try it, unless I thought it was in her realms of acceptable. I would try if there was something i thought she would eat, and also if the host had made an effort to incorporate her fussiness, but not if a meal of hosts choosing was served up and she refused. I can’t work miracles!

I hope you've told mil that nursery requested details about the bruise on her dgc arm.

That's not the point though is it. It's up to the parents to deal with a rude 3 year old, Grandma could offer an opinion but to physically force the child to the table against the parents direct instruction is clearly wrong. This would still apply if 3 year old had hurled the plate across the room or done something much worse.

She bruised your child. If DH thinks that’s acceptable because that’s just how she is - ie a nasty bully who injured his 3 year old and didn’t even apologise - he can fuck off too.

You can’t trust him to see her with DD without you as his sense of what’s acceptable is insane.

So generally with MIL threads I am quite defensive and think MILs are spoken about like second class citizens ,but I definitely agree OP that you have every reason to be bloody furious !

I am pretty sure that what we’re hearing is of course just one side and on the face of it manhandling a 3 year old is a no go. That said, you sound unreasonably dramatic and your child should definitely be parented. It sounds like you aren’t. A three year old will decide all sorts of crap.

Bruise or safeguarding not mentioned, until OP sees replies saying she is being overly dramatic. Massive drip feed…. Or an attempt to sway opinion in her directon 🤷🏼‍♂️

Don't they always 🤣

My former ILs were like this with my Dd. There are foods she still won’t eat now, aged 10, because they tried to force her to eat them as a young child, physically restrained her to keep her at the table, refused to let her have anything else to eat and let her go hungry etc. I had no control over it as she was there with them during her contact time with her father, though I put a stop to it once I found out. It was nothing short of abusive. She always tried things, but they are properly old school, and trying wasn’t enough. It’s “eat what you’re given or we will beat you till you do”. Unsurprisingly she doesn’t want to see them these days.