To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

The confrontation

It doesn't matter what your DD did.

She hurt her badly enough to leave a bruise.

That's not ok.

Ignore all the other stuff. Don't back down.

Your DH is stuck between his mum (who will not want you admitting she did anything wrong) and you.

I'd suggest calming it down by being busy for the next few times she invites. Accept her apology such as it is, but don't ever leave your child with her.

I have similar experience.

If DH pushes, agree to meet up on days out at neutral, public venues. She is much less likely to be aggressive there. Also you can each provide food and or go to the cafe.

Agree you have made your point OP - does insisting the DMIL is never in your or your DD’s life what you want?

DoDH’s wishes not count?
Seems crueller to me than the manhandling DD.

@Finlesswonder exactly

And I bet the MiL did not intend to bruise the child

I mean others on here have criticised me but I did not meal plan with my 3yos! That just seems ridiculous to me.

The op is acting like she holds all the power. If she keeps acting that way she will possibly tear her marriage apart as her husband begins to resent the way she views and treats his mother.

A child of three is assaulted to the extent of a nursery logged bruise that may result in consultation with safe guarding SS and some pp are telling op to move on and stop being dramatic?!

This is distinctly off for MN and not the usual response at all.

Holding out on no contact between DGM and DD for the next 50 years will have no implications for the 4people involved going forward ???
No DGM at Xmas, at bday parties at weddings , etc
Hope DGM leaves her money to the cats home.

It doesn’t matter if MIL intended to assault and bruise a three year old, the fact is she did!

The alternative outcome might be that dh realises what a violent abusive mother he has, finally waking up to the reality and chooses to keep his wife and child safe.

Op does hold all of the power here, because SHE is the parent and she is responsible for keeping her child safe from harm.

I thought YABU until I read your update. I would not let my child alone who had given them a bruise, relative or not. For context, I don’t let my DM babysit anymore since she screamed and shouted at toddler DD for a minor incident (didn’t want to wear hat) and then told me she was spoilt. And never apologised.

IME you won’t get an apology, old people rarely change and she won’t see your POV (see emails). you and DH have to decide how you want to continue also in your child’s interest. Limited or supervised contact you could try especially as she hurt your child. Honestly I wouldn’t let her babysit.

I do think you sound a bit over precious about food, a child can learn to try new things at other people’s home and certainly don’t bring or promise food to someone’s house. I assume MIL put care and effort into your making your meal.

There are lots of scathing MILs and bitter grandmothers on here today giving very very poor, potentially dangerous advice to op.

The nursery can and should report bruising to social services - it’s not the 1950s anymore, it is illegal to assault and bruise a child.

She is 3 years old!!

You have also skewed this and picked out the parts that suit your ridiculous argument.

The little girl tried the fish, she had 3/4 spoonfuls.
Her mum brought the pasta.
Her mum said she could get down from the table.
They were going to go for a walk but it was dark and in the countryside so they sat and listened to music instead (to get away from the batshit crazy MiL who presumably was brought up in the way that you think children should. That turned out well....)

By the way op I have never force fed my children - always consulted them and checked likes and dislikes. Guess what? They have turned out to be healthy young women with healthy eating habits!
This is pretty standard parenting in 2024.

One implication would be that a 3 year old girl doesn't get assaulted by her Grandmother again.

going to sit in the car was ridiculous,
oh well

Removing your child from a situation where she is being bruised and harmed is good parenting! Op absolutely did the right thing, she was keeping her child safe.

I would say DGM has learnt her lesson - but hey let’s make her grovel and plead , or just stop all contact forever or contact the police and get her arrested - you have the evidence.

I don’t think a police report is a bad idea. Abusers need to know their violence is not acceptable to anyone.

I would be horrified if anyone hurt my toddler in this way. There is no way I would stand for it. Are you seriously saying you would allow this to happen to your child???

Stay away. I'd be more worried if they don't respect boundaries now, how things will pan out as they age 'living in the middle of the countryside'.
It's all to come I suspect.

On practically every post about awful mil’s the op is told to stand up for herself. But of course, when an op does this, she’s a drama Queen.
Good for you @RareLilacExpert , and dh for supporting you, also very unusual on Mumsnet!

What did your MIL say about the bruise on your DD’s arm? You didn’t mention in your update.

Bloody hell what a drama llama your MIL is. I just give in if I upset DS and DIL for whatever reason, usually age and times differences. I cant be doing with family feuds.

MIL sounds very inflexible and has forgotten how to calmly manage a young child. You brought your DC food she liked to eat so could she could have swapped it but DMIL got into a battle of wills instead.

Her losing her temper and manhandling your DC was wrong and you were right to leave the room. I'm surprised you stayed for her birthday meal - I'd probably have left there and then!

Moving forward you need to sit down and chat calmly and she needs to apologise attempting to physically restrain your DC. If she won't apologise then I can't see how she moves forward in a relationship with you all.

Are you high?

And what 3 year old would eat fish with it's head on! I know adults who would baulk at that for sure!

She hurt your child and continued to do so when you shouted at her to stop the first time. She did not even apologise afterwards.

That is enough not to see that woman ever again.

It is not your job to band over backwards to make her grasp that her behaviour was appalling.