To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

I was raised in a culture where spanking is absolutely the norm. However no one ever bruised me. To me it seems like she wanted to show you how to deal with your child in her eyes the "proper" way. She bruised your child that would be the end for me. I would not be able to get over my child being bruised.

On MiL threads it's clear that a lot of posters have made up their minds where the blame lies before even reading the thread (and reading it is not going to change their minds).

Objections even to the most egregious behaviour will be framed as 'drama', and any attempt at further explanation is drip-feeding.

These threads are a study in projection.

Please don't interpret this as sounding victim blamey because that's not how I intend it but I would like clarification on a point:

Had you any alternative food for your DD? Was any of the stress over the fact that your DD was hungry but didn't want the food offered?

yes, that is what i think
didnt you say she apologised?

was she hungry later?
you shouting and sitting in the car was OTT

put it behind you op

Very true but it cuts both ways.

OP you are perfectly reasonable! Im a MIL and grandmother and i think my dgc diet is absolutely appalling but i would never say that to my ds and dil. I also give dgc different foods to try when they are with me but i would never try to force them to eat it, especially using physical force! That's terrible behaviour!

Have you told your MIL this?

Because frankly no one should have to be told this isn’t ok.

Why did you bring racist into it?

Hold the line. She sounds insane.
Let your DH do what he likes but dont allow her to care for your daughter unsupervised

My child is parented thanks. Interested in what way you thought this from my post?

My three year old definitely acts unreasonably at times - what toddler doesn’t?! - but her refusal to eat should be respected for many reasons, not least the evidence which suggests eating disorders can begin due to forceful behaviour around mealtimes.

Also the people accusing OP of drama etc. I’d bet my bottom dollar that if someone posted their husband grabbed and dragged their dc to the point of bruising, you’d be saying ltb.
My grandparent smacked me as a child for something pretty minor and my mum didn’t stick up for me. I remember feeling really let down and never felt safe around her mum again really. No adult should be putting their hands on child ever.

I’d be interested what you did later on when DD inevitably said she was hungry. I hope you didn’t give her a snack or make her a new meal. Manhandling isn’t good (if that is truly what happened) but neither is letting a three year old refuse to eat a meal that was cooked for her and let her walk away from the table.

Hi, yes we had bought pasta with us in case there was none at my MIL’s house (she doesn’t eat it herself or really prepare for our visits by getting in anything different to usual, doesn’t think children should be “spoiled” with different foods). DD wasn’t in a particularly hungry mood that day - her appetite varies - but had wanted the pasta when we’d discussed it earlier.

YANBU, MIL shouldn't have put her hands on your DD. Ever. You are her parent and you handled it. Trying to get a toddler to eat a fish with its head still attached is laughable. To leave her arm bruised is not.

Your mil sounds batshit, trying to force a 3 year old to eat a fish with the head still on. Wtf is wrong with her 🤦‍♀️ I wouldn’t allow unsupervised contact with DD

I’m so so sorry, what an unpleasant incident for everyone, particularly DD.

Your MIL is a bully and unstable. I don’t have any advice really and feel quite sorry for your DH having been brought up by her. I don’t think you should go no contact as that would be so hard on your DH (and when she’s older DD would feel bad about being central to a rift), but I’d suggest a few months cooling off period where you don’t see each other after which never let her be alone with DD and I’d want DH to stay in the room whenever we meet her. Maybe just meet for a couple of hrs at xmas and easter and if DH wants to see his mum more than that he can do so alone.

Mil never forgave either of us when dh put me and our premature baby over dh going on holiday with her and fil.. Ime some things can't and don't need fixed..
Been over 9 years of sheer bliss.
She abused your dd. Of course the relationship is over.... Dh can see her alone should he choose.. You must protect your dd.

Of course I fed her later, because she was hungry and parents should respond to the needs of their children (who cannot rationalise their behaviour) and not the egos of other adults.

My parents were ‘eat everything on your plate’ people and forced me to sit for (what felt like) hours. When I didn’t eat everything I was punished. Yes I did develop disordered eating, which has never left me.

As a result I never force my DC to eat anything they don’t want to. This approach is challenged all the time! People seem to take huge offence when I won’t even make my kids try it if they don’t want to. I mostly couldn’t give a shit except when it’s MiL, for some reason her forcefulness is really triggering for me. I’ve had to be firm and forceful back. I’m lucky in that DH knows my history and therefore supports me.

As for my parents, my DC have no relationship with them for all our sakes.

Alot of MILs on the thread tonight.

You've done the right thing OP. She cannot be trusted around your daughter unsupervised.
If your DH wants to continue a relationship with her that's on him, but her behaviour - and subsequent vitriol afterwards - would mean my child and I have nothing more to do with her.

I’m glad you stood your ground. In your position, I wouldn’t take the child there again.
Shes using the “you’ve ruined my relationship with my son angle” as she knows that is a weak point through which she can be let back in.
Stand firm and keep well away from her.

YANBU. My in laws are like this, but my DH can still remember vividly being made to sit at the table for hours heaving at eating the meal they’d cook that he didn’t like! That is not the parenting I aspire to. I serve them food I know they like, if they don’t eat it, it gets put away and if they say later they’re hungry the same food is given to them. But it’s always consists of a safe food I I know they like. There is absolutely 0% benefit to forcing your children to eat food they don’t want to eat. It’s cruel.

Some posters seem to be saying that MIL was wrong to manhandle her GD but...

Surely there is no but?

And apologise?

Yeah right!

You can fuck right off with thinking that an apology will make it OK!