To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

I think 'manhandled' is probably a very emotive term. I loose count of the amount of times I try to get my kids to do things against their wishes eg getting in the car seat / getting dressed as toddlers. It's at least several times weekly as how would you get anything done or go anywhere 🤷...I suspect it is with most 3 year olds. If it isn't in your house I suspect your little one does 'rule the roost'. As toddlers kids are irrational and have little capacity on any subject. It is our job to choose for them; whilst loving and respecting them 👍

As for the eating I can't comment on your individual child, but I have noticed children in general eating is poor...many of my friends kids eat what they want and push anything healthy a way...if you don't sort it early you never will and set them up for health issues later in life. My kids eat every meal and what's put in front of them. They have 5-8 fruit and veg a day and eat a varied diet as a result. If you let a small child pick and choose; the days in which they 'eat more' invariably ends up being the rubbish food days. What would you rather eat a salad or a burger? Let a small child choose when they lack the understanding and you will get a child with a poor diet; who thinks they're in charge.

I think your MIL was trying to get give you constructive criticism, but because your a drama llama unable to see her perspective (a valid one in my eyes) she lost her patience and flipped 🤷🤷. She's only human 👍

A whole fish wound be very normal for many cultures. Not everybody lives on sanitised food

Normally I would agree with you, but leaving a bruise is well above and beyond normal wrangling of a toddler.

This. While your MIL was in the wrong, you handled the situation extraordinarily badly.

I'd have done the same. In laws have no respect whatsoever.

DIL needs lessons on parenting and discipline

Crikey it's like looking in a mirror with your situation and mine.

My relationship with MIL was fine, then we had our boys and she was round every single day, would talk down to me infront of the kids, would get in a mood if she tried to talk to me and I was in the middle of a teams call, would leave the house in a mess when she'd make herself lunch etc whispering in my now ex DPs ear constantly about how I was no good, etc. Just completely overstepped boundaries. Her behaviour towards me led to other to me spiralling into a cycle of depression off the back of it all. Sounds like your DH is sticking by your side but I would recommend from experience that you only go to your Mils together with your DH and DD. No overnight stays, no babysitting duties until she earns your and your DDs trust

And forcing said 3 year old to sit at table and eat what she didn't want is not going upset her? Personally I eould ha e not stayed ythe night.

I have only read the first post...so I didn't see that part. But even with that info I do wonder if the MIL is responsible for the bruise? My toddler is covered in bruises none of which I have caused and I wrestle him into a car seat several times a week 🤣🙈. The original post sounds so dramatic and disproportionate 🤷. I'm sure the MILs version of events is different. If I picked up on the drama of the DIL from her own post. I can imagine the drama in reality is higher 🙈

and do this bruises trigger nursery making concerned enquiries?

The drip feed is interesting.

Very dramatic. Are you a new poster or a namechanger?
The very first things I would have done is ask where the pasta was and then taken the head and tail off the fish. The rest is both sides seemingly digging their heels in. I notice with a lot of these threads is that mil gets 'told off' and wonder if a lot of situations can be dealt with better with a different tone of voice. None of us like being told off, preferring to be 'corrected' in a friendly way. Obviously I don't know what happened here and mil's overreaction.
She did want to make amends and there's nothing wrong with her wanting to know in future if she's doing something wrong. The racist analogy is batshit, mil isn't a mind reader.

Presumably those bruises are in places that are typical for toddlers to be bruised though.

The bruising from being grabbed at the top of the arm is highly unlikely to be accidental and may be quite distinctive. It’s not at all surprising that the nursery logged a safeguarding incident over it.

@RareLilacExpert

Boomers don't apologise. Not properly.

I wish this generalisation weren't true, but boomers (and generations close to Boomers) parented without apologising. However strongly you might believe the importance of apology, they have an equally strong belief that apologising to children, even adult children, or grandchildren, will somehow undermine the relationship.

Once you accept this fact you realise that all you can do is state your rules, clearly state your boundaries and just stay away if they won't respect them.

There will be no cathartic apology and reaching of a shared understanding. I mean, logically, someone who was capable of this wouldn't have behaved this way in the first place, would they?

(And before a bunch of people jump down my throat for the generalisation, just google "why don't Boomers ever apologise" and you'll find loads of articles discussing the cultural phenomenon)

Why would it be questioned? I live in a household of boys...my toddler is small, climbs a lot, rough and tumble with his brother...bruising happens. My eldest legs have multiple bruises he plays sports. Most children have bruising to limbs...if they don't they can't be very active 🤷. I wrestle my toddler into a car seat/ pick him up having a tantrum to take him somewhere else against his wishes....because toddlers can be crazy and we have places to go and s*t to do 🤣🤣🤣 I don't beat my kids 🙈🙈🙈

Fuckvoff with your agism

exactly!!! why would it be questioned.

whereas…. the op’s nursery obviously had grounds for questioning!!

And before a bunch of people jump down my throat for the generalisation, just google "why don't Boomers ever apologise" and you'll find loads of articles discussing the cultural phenomenon

”google” 😆

rather than just draw upon my own experience of “boomer” family / friends / colleagues… all of whom seem perfectly fine with apologising

Ermm if this is true and you told nursery the alleged truth of how she got this bruise - caused by aggressive handling by a caregiver - I can’t imagine they wouldn’t have made a safeguarding referral. Have you been contacted by social services?

What a load of mindboggling bollocks!!

So, let's get this straight. You manhandle your toddler into his car seat so roughly that you cause bruising? Wow. I managed to do that x3 and never caused any bruising!!

The poster didn’t say that. You’ve added 2 and 2 and made 8.

My children had bruises too because they climbed stuff and were active. It’s quite normal.

It’s also quite normal for OPs to throw in a dramatic drip feed when they don’t get the 100% sympathy they are looking for.

Whilst i agree with your MIL re letting a 3 Yr old rule you. (Not doing her any favours as she grows. But your call.) I most certainly do not agree with her manhandling her.

Oh for goodness sake, why are you intentionally misunderstanding? The poster is talking about the two issues in the OP - bruising and manhandling. She’s addressed the issues separately. Bruising occurs from sports, climbing etc. The ‘manhandling’ is when she’s had to put her child in a car seat, although he didn’t want to. No bruising!

My boomer dad and Gen X mam never forced us to eat anything growing up. So I don't know where that ageism shite upthread has come from. Their parents were a different breed however.
When it came to my children, they tend to eat most of their food as they get a choice in their meals (even with grandparents, shock horror).

My MIL is an entirely different person however. Any chance to belittle our parenting she takes it. Anything to make her look like some kind of "Alpha parent" or "super mum". 🙄Leaving bruises on a child isn't acceptable. Especially one you claim to love because you are forcing them to eat something. It's unacceptable and down right disgusting. If we did that to another adult it wouldn't go down well. Why is it acceptable to some on this thread to do that to a child?

I think the real issue with some posters is that many children get choices you never did as a child.