To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

Thank You. I was never bruised and I'd never let my child be bruised. I'd look at it like if you will do this in front of me what will you do behind me?

Hitting children is assault and a criminal offence in England, Scotland and Wales. I don’t know about Ireland and Northern Ireland. In England there is a defence of ‘reasonable punishment’ or similar - good luck using that defence when the assault was on a 3 yr old! Mad to think we have a defence to hit kids.
I believe in Wales and Scotland that there is no defence.
People minimise assaults by parents on children by calling it smacking. But it’s assault, same as with adults.

'she kept repeating that I should have told her she was being unreasonable. I had told her three times that she was but she said she needed to be told clearly'

I think what MIL says here is BS. I once had someone say to me that she'd lost freinds by being too full-on & I was therefore to tell her if she started being like that with me. I didn't like the fact that she was trying to make ME responsible for HER behaviour; but then, when she did get ridiculously demanding, I tried pointing this out (very nicely) & she ploughed on with more & more demands. That friendship didn't last.

With MIL, if someone who's been a mother doesn't know not to assault 3yo's, well, what can you do? And when she was told, it didn't stop her, & now instead of apologising & learning from the experience, she's just lying. So she's never going to get any better.

Thank you. I really couldn't understand why smacking was a no but bruising was ok. I glad to know it's not. I personally was never bruised but I saw plenty. My parents used to say if it was these days my aunt and uncle would be in prison. Rightly so.

NOT being oversensitive. She cannot tell you that you are ruining their relationship whilst simultaneously not acknowledging or apologising for what she did wrong. If you concede now, it will only get worse for you. Keep your boundaries.

Serving whole fish is completely normal in many cultures. Saying it's gross is a bit ignorant and slightly racist.

Not the main point but since no one else has mentioned it, I thought I would.

I was brought up to eat everything, OR ELSE. It caused problems with my middle child and I've had to unlearn A LOT. Not least, coming from a very poor family where wasting food is abhorrent.

It isn't easy to see food left and wasted. Old habits die hard.

But my policy now is if they leave it, it is because they are full.

I would never manhandle a child in any case.

MIL was wrong. The selection of food I don't have a problem with. It is good to try new things. Though not when OP had brought food of her own!

@RareLilacExpert

My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

I'm glad your husband was on your (and your child's) side. However wanting you to "let it go" because "this is just the way she is" really is minimising that his mother (who's allowed to have a different viewpoint but not act against the parents' wishes)

• assaulted your child by dragging her off a floor toy, kicking and screaming
• in order to force feed her and
• was violent enough to leave a bruise on a three year old's body which still there two days later and
• was formally reported and recorded by her nursery staff.

I'm not sure you should let your husband take your daughter to his mother's house without you being there to ensure this doesn't happen again. After all his mother's belief surely is based on her treating her own son the same way when he was a child.

He just wants everyone to go back to being"friends" again because it's easier for him as, no doubt, his mother (and perhaps his father, supporting his wife) is in his ear about the current situation. How much would he advocate for his daughter if you were not there? 🌹

Saying it's gross is a bit ignorant and slightly racist

Fucking heard it all now. Next you're going to tell me I've hurt the fish's feelings. Eating anything with its head still attached is disgusting to me, personally. I'm sorry if I'm not cultured enough for you or if that offends anyone else who likes to gaze into the eyes of a fish when they eat one. You can have a personal preference to food without getting offended.

You were not in the wrong.

But I also think you essentially escalated the situation when you went into the whole 'we don't parent this way' spiel. It wasn't your intention but she probably felt really judged by you. Of course it doesn't excuse her later actions and good on you for standing your ground, but at the same time I think if you'd responded differently it would have been easily defused.

I agree with some comments that maybe it’s gone far enough and the point has been made.

I wonder if for future interactions you, DH and DD stay together in the same room and don’t separate. That’s how DH and I visit our in laws and my parents with our DD. I think being left alone with people, even as an adult, can be really confronting and uncomfortable if you don’t get along with them, even if they are family.

your MIL sounds like it’s her way or the highway and she needs to back off a bit with her ideas about parenting. It’s your child.
however, you also sound a bit difficult,
this is your child’s grandparent and I think you shouldn’t deprive her of a relationship which should be independent of you. It’s your child’s relationship with their family member. Let your DH see his mum with DD and when they go, enjoy some time to yourself

Didn’t mean the above to sound harsh. I’ve had equally difficult times with my DC’s grandparents and have stomped out of the house etc
Now my DS is an adult, on reflection his Nan who I found tricky at times has been a valuable part of his upbringing. She loved him and he had wonderful times with her.
what I’m saying is don’t write off your child’s relationship with their grandparent over one incident. It’s not fair

THIS
I also choose to parent 'differently'
My kids all have a healthy relationship with food, it took me years to eventually develop one.
I did luckily but many don't.
It seemed that's how it was done back in the day. Probably something to do with the war / food rationing maybe.
Mil was wrong but you will need to learn how to handle her - it can be done. I try and have the 'no nonsense' approach in situations like this.
'No, mil , this not how we do things'
Firm but fair, rinse and repeat.
Then change the subject.
Treat her as you would a two year old basically.
It's not worth falling out with her at this stage.
I think it comes down to your confidence in yourself, that you are right.

It takes a huge amount of force to bruise a child by grabbing. That part really makes it a bit next level.

I used to get left with mil while exh went to football and she would take advantage of the lack of witnesses to bully and criticise. I wouldn't want DD in a position again where she could force her to eat food that she doesn't want. I would guess she would probably make a point of trying to get DD to eat it to prove her way is right. Times have changed, she can't be that old not to have noticed this or be glad of this. She sounds very unpleasant.

Op this is completely and utterly unacceptable and must never happen again.

Lets be clear your child has been assaulted by her grandmother, she is three years old.

Force feeding a child is wrong and your MIL sounds like an abusive parent, now to be grandparent.

I would not have that woman anywhere near my child again - and an apology would not be enough. As parents we have one job, and that is to keep our children safe from harm.

This incident will have consequences and long term ones ar that. You know who MIL is now and she certainly can’t be trusted.

She assaulted and bruised a toddler aged child and you seriously think it’s not worth falling out over??! Jesus wept.

The OP didn't accuse her of being racist. Read the post properly
This is how shit starts on social media

What exactly do you mean by manhandle? It sounds like she picked her up? Was the bruise definitely from that as you say you only saw that later? I feel that, although the behaviour of all involved was rather poor, the story has perhaps been edited to make it sound worse with words like 'manhandled'.

Yes she should listen to you if you dont want her to be pushed to eat something. However, I do think you were rude to let your child get down at someone else's house without asking them. She definitely doesn't have to be forced to eat, but you should be teaching her manners.

The whole thing sounds blown out of proportion really. I think you should both apologise and move on.

Your dh is used to his mothers violence for him this is no different to his own upbringing. Do not let this go, and don’t let that woman anywhere near her again. Your dh has a lot of work to do if he is to be a good parent to your child, he needs to start recognising patterns of abuse and to start to protect her as a starting point.

Do not let your dh take dd there alone at any point.

Urgh.

DD didn't want to eat her food.

DD didn't want to sit at the table until the meal was finished.

DD wanted to go and sit in the car and listen to music while guests at somebody's house.

DD wanted to bring her special pasta to a guests house

Give it 20 years and DD will be the kind of entitled woman we read so many threads about on here

@Finlesswonder what the hell? This little girl is THREE.

yes i agree
this is written in a very biased way by op.
you have made your point, move on

Yep its a great age to start learning manners. Or are you one of those who sits back in restaurants watching their kids smear shit over walls because that's what kids do

On the fence here, your MIL sounds like my mother with quite fixed ideas about food and children eating what they are given. The tone of your posts, however, is precious and self-righteous about the rightness of your parenting style. You seem inflexible and dramatic. I suspect you played your part in driving confrontation and have since been disrespectful and unpleasant in wanting to make the woman grovel.