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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

209 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

OP posts:
BogRollBOGOF · 03/04/2024 07:00

I couldn't leave my babies (bottle refusers, CMPA) for more than a couple of hours until 10m or for prolonged periods until 12m. Depriving them of their main food source, and going through engorgement and risking mastitis would not be worthwhile for a vanity wedding.
Childcare was thin on the ground anyway and in 13 years of parenting, I've had 3 hours of family childcare, most of which was for a funeral in my home town. At 8m, you're not covering childcare by getting in the neighbour's teenager for a few quid.

When you have a no children rule, it will logistically rule out some parents which can be awkward anyway. To harrass the parents about not being avaliable to come as a couple is incredibly rude.

It would permanently affect my opinion of them as friends because of their complete disregard that other people have different circumstances.

Princessfluffy · 03/04/2024 07:56

They called YOU self centred, entitled and bad friends?

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 03/04/2024 08:52

It would permanently affect my opinion of them as friends because of their complete disregard that other people have different circumstances.

It definitely has! I've lost all respect for them over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 03/04/2024 08:54

The PP that asked about my use of the phrase nail in the coffin, there isn't any real history, the groom is just being so dramatic with the regular texting that DH feels not going could potentially end a long term friendship and that may be something they both live to regret. If he's being this dramatic now, imagine if DH didn't go, is DHs perspective.
Personally I'd have told him to fuck himself by now but that's DHs call. I'm more than happy to stay at home while he attends. I'll get a takeaway and call in a spa day later!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 03/04/2024 08:58

Also, one thing I've found at all the children free weddings I've attended where the couple have had their own children but no others. Their own kids get BORED and end up causing a bit of a riot, depending on age. A recent one had a 3 and 5 year old tantrumming through overwhelm and boredom. They could have done with some friends to play with.

The children in this case are 5, 3, and 1. Unless they've got grandparents on duty for the day I imagine the same thing will happen.

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 03/04/2024 10:47

There's two things here. Not be able to go to a wedding you want to go to and not being able to go to a wedding you want to go to because you don't have child care.

I've missed two weddings. First one DD2 was very small and although it was only an hour away, it would have been too much travel to go there and back in a day so we took the judgement that I wouldn't go and we asked if DH could take DD1 (6) instead, which was absolutely fine (we already knew other children were going). But the Bride and Groom also didn't say, please bring NotMy and baby so we sort of respeted the fact it was an invite for two. I was very sad not to go but we couldn't leave DD2 for that long at about 5 weeks old.

Second wedding DD2 was 18 months, but the wedding was 6 hours away and we didn't have anyone we could leave both DDs with over night (i'm not going into the whys and the wherefores and if I'd wanted to I would have tried etc etc, it was too far even if we could find anyone for them to stay with). Children were invited to this wedding too! But there was no where to stay near the venue and we just decided on balance it was too far with all the associated travel.

I would have loved to have gone to both weddings, but I couldn't.

Nicebloomers · 03/04/2024 13:11

It’s an invitation not a summons!

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 03/04/2024 17:43

Tell then you think they are self centred, entitled and bad friends for their demands too…. At least you have tried to work around their position, which it is a shame they won’t also reconsider.

Why are people such dicks?

AmIEnough · 03/04/2024 17:48

I hope you have now decided not to go at all! I agree, it’s their prerogative to choose not to have children at their wedding, but equally it’s your prerogative not to leave your eight month old baby, I certainly wouldn’t have done that at that age! Stick to your guns, you are not being unreasonable

payens · 03/04/2024 17:53

Don't go!!

Jeannie88 · 03/04/2024 18:01

Guessing the wedding couple don't have kids so have no idea how difficult it is unless you have on tap support. Xx

toxic44 · 03/04/2024 18:05

It's reasonable practice to cut people who call you names when you won't or can't toe their line. They sound disrespectful and entitled.

Cazareeto1 · 03/04/2024 18:05

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

I wouldn’t attend and at this point I would be questioning my friendship with them. Once they they have their own child they will look back at this and realise they are in the wrong. In mean time I wouldn’t have any of myself or DH attending. Their attitude sucks, let’s be honest. They know you have a 8month old, 2 hours away from venue, they are being quite selfish. Yes it’s their wedding and are entitled to kid free but they can’t get arsy about it when people with kids can’t attend due to child care or child being too young to go to baby sitter or family or mum not being ready for baby sitters at this stage (I wasn’t and that’s ok to) they are not understanding or respecting your child’s/your needs or not being able to get a baby sitter. If they want to be an arse about their own choice and you not being able to fold over for them then are they really friends??

NoDought · 03/04/2024 18:10

Wow, they sound awful, save your money on a gift.

ZoeCM · 03/04/2024 18:10

Northerngirl345 · 02/04/2024 21:55

YANBU….but….

If a really close friend of mine wasn’t willing to try and get childcare to come to my wedding…I’d probably be a bit cheesed off. I do have kids and I still hate leaving them to go far away (and one’s about to start his GCSEs) but I would do it for a very dear friend, knowing that babies can be very well looked after without their mums for 24 hours.

This really isn't fair. Childcare isn't always easy to find. If someone posted on MN that their daughter/sister/friend wants them to look after their eight-month-old baby while they go to a wedding, the response would mostly be "no is a complete sentence".

Skodacool · 03/04/2024 18:20

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 16:12

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace

2 reasons really, we don't have any childcare for the day of the wedding because it is short notice and GPs are tied up. It's also a 4 hour round trip and I'd prefer not to be 2 hours away while we are away all day. Even if GPs were free, they wouldn't be comfortable with the distance (neither are we).

But regardless of that, plenty of people would just be flat out uncomfortable with it and couples shouldn't really need to explain themselves to this bride and groom.

And if the baby is being breastfed?

NewName24 · 03/04/2024 18:31

At 8m, you're not covering childcare by getting in the neighbour's teenager for a few quid.

Not particularly to do with this thread, but just to answer this.
Our first babysitter was our Childminder's 16 year old dd.
She knew FAR more about babies than dh and I put together did, having grown up with babies and toddler constantly in the house.
Plus, if there ever had been an issue, her Mum was just across the road.
So yes, we were happy to leave dc1 with her before he got to 8 months old.

Bayleighp · 03/04/2024 18:36

Shocking behaviour from your ‘friends’ - you have every right to not want to leave your baby, just like they have every right to not invite children. You made a good call by replying to say one of you will attend too. I am so glad my ‘wedding years’ are over now. I remember my friend made me her bridesmaid and then I had to go away for a weekend for her hen do leaving my one year old for 2 days with my husband. I knew he would be fine but I didn’t want to leave him. I wish I’d have been more ballsy back then.

Leedsfan247 · 03/04/2024 18:53

Tell them to do one, decisions have consequences

FairFuming · 03/04/2024 19:35

I'm wondering if quite a few people have turned down the invites due to short notice and child free rule

Ilovesunshine22 · 03/04/2024 19:39

That's exactly why i allowed kids at my wedding so all my guests could come as i knew a lot did not have child care and i really wanted all my guest to come. But yeah completely there choice but it has to expected that some guest wouldnt be able to make it! Do they have kids?

DisabledDemon · 03/04/2024 19:47

They're certainly applying the pressure, aren't they! So they'd like you to leave your eight-month old child with someone? Why don't they just ask you to chuck it at the nearest person in the street! Even if it's a relative (granny, perhaps?), that's still too young to leave for an entire night.

If anyone's being selfish and self-centred, it's them.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 03/04/2024 20:15

Personally I hate the idea of "child - free" weddings. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration with family and friends, including the children. Why would you not want children there?

WaitingforCheese · 03/04/2024 20:22

I don’t think a lot of couples realise that their saving for not inviting children often is just passed back to the parents if they don’t have free childcare.
2 hours is quite a distance and I’m not sure id be happy if both of us were that far away from a baby.

Greenshed · 03/04/2024 20:51

I’m not a parent, but I have to say, their attitude stinks and you are right - your child comes first. Follow you instincts and stick with them.

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