Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

[Whatisgoingonheredear]

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

I wonder what percentage of people genuinely enjoy a wedding these days. I'd put it in the low 50s, if that

On mumsnet the percentage will be lower than that. In my version of real life it is much higher, but the weddings I have been to have been informal and relaxed, with no-one getting theri knickers in a twist about wanting everything to be perfect.

Why should OP do all that?! It’s unreasonable to expect her to bear the expense of a hotel room to hide in so DH can go to the wedding.

Or to expect her to pay for two hotel rooms so the in laws can hide in one whilst OP and her DH go to the wedding.

Hi, sorry, due to your unreasonable and entitled behaviour surrounding this neither of us will be takIng the time to come to your wedding. Have a great day

I had something similar. A couple of years ago, a friend who lives a long haul flight away didn't understand why I wasn't up for leaving my 6 month old for a week so that I could fly 10 hours away and attend their wedding. I had a lot of guilt tripping and "can't you just leave the baby with your parents for week?" type messages.

I just stood firm and said that they were making me uncomfortable, as my parenting choices were personal and not up for debate.

We're still friends, and I think now that this friend has their own baby, they must realise how ridiculous their expectations were.

In your case, it's bizarre that your friends are acting like this when they have DC (I presume their kids are a lot older so they have forgotten what it's like to be dealing with a baby?)

She’s not insisting anything, she’s sharing her opinion on AIBU as requested. No need to insult her, she has been respectful but you not so much.

Because it happened at my wedding and I was too busy enjoying the day to care

People get insane over weddings. Just leave it as is, then if Bride and GroomZilla have their own kids they’ll realise that they’ve gone a bit batshit.

I must admit that I hate weddings. I hate any kind of forced social gathering, but weddings are the absolute worst. I always just thought I was a grumpy not-old-yet woman, but maybe there are others out there like me.

'Changed your position'? It's a wedding, not a debate about the merits of Marmite.

I can only think of one reason to go, which I am sure you would not go and do. To object to the wedding on the grounds of how little they think of children.

I love a wedding, I'm always amazed how many pps on mumsnet seem to hate them

We wouldn't have had child care either at 8months and I wouldn't have wanted to go.

It's an invite not a summons.

This. They are being previous and entitled. You explained why. Their choice not to have DC or babies at their wedding. Your choice not to attend. They can't dictate that you attend.

In your case, it's bizarre that your friends are acting like this when they have DC (I presume their kids are a lot older so they have forgotten what it's like to be dealing with a baby?)

Their youngest had their first birthday the other day so it shouldn't be too distant a memory for them, but they left their baby regularly from 3 months, which is absolutely fine for them but obviously expect everyone to feel the same way they do and personally I would not make this choice.

Why haven't you declined for both of you?

I would

If there’s no history then YANBU but it sounds like there’s a back story. Have you invited their kids to your events? Most mums know it’s a really personal decision about when to leave their baby.

I usually like weddings and have been to some wonderful ones in the past couple of years, however have been to a recent handful where there has been a lot of pressure on guests. Most have been absolutely fine with a baby in attendance. But there have been some really lavish honeymoon money requests (a small photo album of a Caribbean cruise and then at the end "we'd love some money towards!") which I personally find cheeky, and it puts us under pressure as honestly I wouldn't give them much towards so prefer a small wedding gift. Then a lot of pressure to stay overnight at about £200 a room, strange expectations for the day...there have been some beautiful, fun weddings, but some stressful ones.

If there’s no history then YANBU but it sounds like there’s a back story. Have you invited their kids to your events? Most mums know it’s a really personal decision about when to leave their baby.

They didn't have children when we got married, but we did have children all day at our wedding, left it to parents to decide what to do about bringing or not bringing. Some left them with relatives, some brought them, I really didn't mind. We haven't hosted any other events other than small birthday parties, which children have also come to, our invitations are always to the whole family and if they don't want to bring kids that's fine.
There is no backstory to this as far as I am aware.

OP, they know that you are not being unreasonable. I’m assuming that they know at least one of you is easy to guilt trip.

I'd let them know neither of you are going now and that you feel let down by their shitty attitudes.

I like a childfree wedding personally, but if you're going to have one then surely to fuck you're also accepting that it might be an obstacle to some people coming, and they'll therefore decline the invite?

Similarly with a wedding away from where people live.

Do you usually enjoy days out with people who called you selfish, entitled and a bad friend?

They've got the audacity to call you entitled after the way they've spat their dummies out and stamped their feet. News flash for them their Wedding can't be the most important thing in everyone's lives.

Well that's another tick in the 'self centred bridezilla' box if their motivation for inviting people was to maximise their present pile.

Whatever happened to people just wanting to celebrate with their nearest and dearest.

The OP doesn't want to leave her baby and also eludes to the cost of attendance being a struggle. Being guilted into attending when she doesn't really want to and being expected to bring a likely lavish gift really is the icing on the cake.

I have an 8 mth old who hardly eats solids and is breastfed. Absolutely no way I could leave her.

How rude and hypocritical of them, I expect neither of you will he going now.

Let's hope they never have children