Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

[Whatisgoingonheredear]

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

Quite apart from your baby, are these people going to exclude their own three children from an event that should totally cement their family unit? I think that’s awful.

I'd already said previously that I wouldn't be going to this wedding based on their response (if they really were that rude)

But most posts on Mumsnet about weddings seem to be people determined not to go to a wedding under any circumstances! I'd already seen to many threads when I was planning my wedding. I remember speaking to all my friends with kids about whether they would need/want to bring them and got a resounding 'hell no!'. Several people were disappointed it wasn't at a hotel as they wanted to stay. And even people close enough to go home didn't and got hotels or the like nearby.

I think it would be easier all round if the wedding haters made themselves known IRL. Then they could just not be invited in the first place.

I’m sorry they are being such idiots.

Of course you don’t want to be 2 hours away from an 8 month old baby. You are being loving parents to your baby, who obviously should and is coming first. It’s their choice to have a child free wedding but they have to accept it will mean some people cannot attend.

Personally, after the way they have treated you, we would all stay home.

YABNU

Tell them you are flattered that your presence is deemed so pivotal.

Surely as long as the bride and groom are there, everyone else is on the periphery.

I would not be going on the basis that a self-centred entitled pair had decreed ME the self centred and entitled one.

"no children" wedding sounds like people who decided on that are self-centred and they don't embrace their friends families.
+

What they stated...

= Honey, they are not your friends. You don't want entitled and rude friends who don't like your kids.

The only time I’ve seen the B&G act so strongly to a decline is when they were getting lots of declines because their arrangements were asking too much of their guests and they were panicking. Either due to date, location, theme, cost etc.

Just decline respectfully, don’t over justify, and let them work it out for themselves.

If they fall out with you over it, it is their choice.

They have been exceedingly rude. However the invitation was to you and your dp. I think you both go or neither of you go. You should have declined and and left it at that.

YANBU. They can chose a child free wedding but they can’t then moan if guests can’t attend because of it.

They sound like loopers.

That is your circle, there are lots of different groups and types of people.

Some who love weddings enjoy hotels, I love a wedding but personally I can think of nothing worse being stuck in a hotel room nursing a hangover the day after a good wedding, not able to drive home until late afternoon.

Each to their own, any good host caters for the majority of their guests and respectfully accepts any who decline.

I think you have hit the nail on the head @NoTouch.

@Whatisgoingonheredear is this wedding two hours away because they liked the venue or because they live in the area? If it means that most people have to travel for two hours and stay in an expensive hotel I can see why they might have had a lot of people decline.

YANBU but they won't understand this until they have a child.

They have three children.

Honestly, I would simply say that you don't like their behaviour so neither of you will now be going. I wouldn't even care if it ended the friendship as they are being so rude.

It all sounds like far too much hard work and farting about.

What vile selfish people.
unbelievable

Yanbu. We chose a child free ish wedding, only our own and nieces and nephews were invited but with that we accepted some people wouldn't be able to make it.
Our choice and that carried a potential consequence

Yes politely tell them to stuff their wedding, or words to that effect. 😂

Ask if they've changed their minds on having children at the wedding.. if their answer is no explain your position also remains the same.

And enjoy using the money saved on attending the wedding on a lovely day out for you all!

I presume you'll both decline now?

Why didn't you just decline in the first place or accept for one of you?

I wonder if they thought that your explanation was you hoping that they'd also invite your baby.

They've obviously handled it badly though.

Just reply”I’m sorry you feel I’m letting you down. I’m not comfortable leaving my baby for that long”. Then add DH will/ not be able to attend.
whatever he decides to do, your relationship with these people is forever altered now with their criticism of your parenting

I would reply
Dear Xxxxxx
I’m sorry you feel let down but to be honest so do we.
We were really looking forward to your wedding but as you’ve chosen to make it child free, and we have a tiny baby, we obviously can’t go now.
We re really upset by that but of course respect your choice.
We look forward to seeing the photos and hope you have a lovely time.

Card only
No present….job done

YANBU! There are indeed entitled people and bad friends in this, and they aren't you or your dh!!!

Nobody has the right to DEMAND that people should attend their celebrations, and a good friend will accept a friend's genuine inability to do so, whether because of finances, health, pre-existing commitments, or as with you, childcare. They certainly should not engage in tantrums, nagging and emotional blackmail about it. If it's that important to them that you should both come, then they should not insist that the wedding should be child-free. If a child-free wedding is that important to them, then they should accept that parents of young children, especially babies, may not be able to attend.

I had at first assumed that they were youngish, as yet childless people with no imagination, and might eventually learn better from experience; but I saw in your later post that they do have children, which makes it even more bizarre. All I can say is I'm sorry for their children!

They are reacting really bizarrely. Especially as we are talking about friends not close family here (unless perhaps they wanted you both to have roles or something). I'm going alone to a wedding soon as it's child free and although ours are much older the logistics for sorting childcare were tricky. I let the groom know I was delighted to accept the invitation but DH would stay home with kids, he replied with something along the lines of that's a shame but understandable, look forward to seeing you etc. Which is surely the only polite and normal response!

There may be an element of taking it as a slight on their parenting that they had left theirs for longer by that age maybe. People do seem to get very defensive and go on the attack if people make different parenting decisions to them sometimes. You see it on here a lot!