Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

209 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

OP posts:
Roryhon · 02/04/2024 21:18

I’d definitely not be going after all the shitty messages. I’d probably be blocking them and never bothering with them ever again!

isitbananatimealready · 02/04/2024 21:21

They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. And all because you can't both go to their wedding because of their insistence on: They've put on the invitations no children at all.

Oh, the irony.

Irridescantshimmmer · 02/04/2024 21:34

You are putting your 8 month old baby first, you have your priorities right so I say good on you OP because . I hope you continue to stand your ground with them, your little one is still a baby fgs and if I was you, I would tell them to take a long walk off a short pier.

Who in the right mind would try to separate a mother from their baby?

So don't let them intimidate you. If they really do your head in then block them to save your sanity, but stand by your decision as it's the right one. Babies MUST come first.

SoupChicken · 02/04/2024 21:40

We had this, then it turned out they didn’t want kids there because it would stop people getting pissed up like they used to 10 years ago. We didn’t go in the end and then we saw the photos and there were kids there 🙄

Isitautumnyet23 · 02/04/2024 21:44

Haven’t read all the replies but that would be enough to end the friendship. I wouldnt even have one of you go now. You dont ever question someone’s reason for not accepting an invite (that looks sad and desperate), but the fact you gave them a genuine reason and they still questioned it is awful. Many people dont have family nearby so will have never left a baby that young with anyone else - I would have a long hard think if they really are genuine friends.

Noyesnoyes · 02/04/2024 21:49

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 16:12

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace

2 reasons really, we don't have any childcare for the day of the wedding because it is short notice and GPs are tied up. It's also a 4 hour round trip and I'd prefer not to be 2 hours away while we are away all day. Even if GPs were free, they wouldn't be comfortable with the distance (neither are we).

But regardless of that, plenty of people would just be flat out uncomfortable with it and couples shouldn't really need to explain themselves to this bride and groom.

And all that's fine, you don't need to justify yourself at all!

Noyesnoyes · 02/04/2024 21:49

EmmaEmerald · 02/04/2024 16:18

I would bet money that they are saying this to anyone who doesn’t attend their wedding for any reason.

And they will have done that thing where they have blocked booked a hotel and they need X amount of guests to book accommodation in order to fund their wedding.

Obviously just ignore them.

✅

Northerngirl345 · 02/04/2024 21:55

YANBU….but….

If a really close friend of mine wasn’t willing to try and get childcare to come to my wedding…I’d probably be a bit cheesed off. I do have kids and I still hate leaving them to go far away (and one’s about to start his GCSEs) but I would do it for a very dear friend, knowing that babies can be very well looked after without their mums for 24 hours.

pizzaHeart · 02/04/2024 22:01

It’s so annoying when people assume that their choices are the only right one and all different choices are wrong. If they (and some other people in this thread) were comfortable to leave their children in the similar circumstances it’s neither here nor there. You don’t want to leave your baby, full stop.
A lot of people happily invite children for their weddings, why did they decide to go child free?

pizzaHeart · 02/04/2024 22:03

Northerngirl345 · 02/04/2024 21:55

YANBU….but….

If a really close friend of mine wasn’t willing to try and get childcare to come to my wedding…I’d probably be a bit cheesed off. I do have kids and I still hate leaving them to go far away (and one’s about to start his GCSEs) but I would do it for a very dear friend, knowing that babies can be very well looked after without their mums for 24 hours.

By whom?
I haven’t got any volunteers personally.

Londonrach1 · 02/04/2024 22:05

Neither of you go now and rethink the friendship. What a horrible bride. Yanbu

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 22:10

is this wedding two hours away because they liked the venue or because they live in the area? If it means that most people have to travel for two hours and stay in an expensive hotel I can see why they might have had a lot of people decline.

They just like the venue. Most guests are travelling 2 - 4 hours to be there.

Why didn't you just decline in the first place or accept for one of you?

We did. We accepted for DH and declined for me.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 22:17

In that case I think that pp are spot on in thinking that they want the rooms filled.

If you must choose a destination venue then there will be people who just can't afford yo go.

I have never been able to understand why anyone puts the venue before people. I would far rather have my loved ones around me than get married in a castle with only a handful of guests.

The last wedding I attended was held in the home town of the couple. We travelled because we don't live there, but we wanted to attend and accepted that it wouldn't be cheap.

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 22:18

Thank you all so much for your replies. This has really been bothering me and in truth it's been a bit upsetting, as we explained it in the nicest way possible to them. The name calling and harassment has come as a shock.

I've said to DH he can still go if he wants, it is an awkward one as although I'm friends with the bride we aren't close, he is reasonably close with the groom so he doesn't want to nail in the coffin their friendship over this...but I think they're being ridiculous. The whole wedding itself is last minute, we got save the dates not long ago when it was booked so we aren't filler guests.

I presume their own children will be at the wedding but just no others.

Even if they change their stance for any reason, I still won't be going after this.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 22:28

I don't think I'd be worried about being 2 hours away if my baby was with their grandparents but if you're not comfortable with it, that's up to you.

To be honest, if my 'friends' called me self-centered and entitled I think I'd tell them to stick their wedding up their arse! 😂

Gymnopedie · 02/04/2024 23:07

he is reasonably close with the groom so he doesn't want to nail in the coffin their friendship over this..

Well I think he should. He may have felt torn at the beginning but their behaviour and name calling since needs to be addressed. If he goes and not you that will a) allow them to believe that you're the awkward one and b) think their behaviour is perfectly acceptable.

PS What do you mean by nail in the coffin? That's a phrase normally used when there have been several incidents and the latest was the last straw (to mix my metaphors).

NewName24 · 02/04/2024 23:38

I'm coming from the stance of the fact I would be quite happy to have left my dc at 8 months and gone to the wedding, if it was a wedding I wanted to go to.

Equally, I'm a fan of child free weddings, and think it is totally reasonable to make that decision.

However YWNBU at all with your response.
Your 'friends' have been very, very unreasonable in their response. Clearly, if you make it difficult for some people to attend - be that restrictions on who can come or the venue or whatever - then some people won't be able to come.

They AB very U with their response and would receive a polite message from me to say that their response had made me reassess our friendship and that now neither of us would be attending.

Zyq · 03/04/2024 00:11

If they pester again, I would suggest saying that, since they apparently believe you are self-centred, entitled and bad friends you have assumed that they no long want either of you to go and have made arrangements accordingly.

6pence · 03/04/2024 00:29

it sounds like you won’t be bothered about losing the friendship but dh will. Continue to support him going if he wishes, but I don’t blame you for refusing to go at all now.

Psychologymam · 03/04/2024 00:31

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 16:01

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace.

To be fair lots of people won’t want to leave an 8 month old. They are very small, if breastfeeding it’s very tricky to leave and lots of people don’t have caregivers they can rely on.

Psychologymam · 03/04/2024 00:34

RosesAndHellebores · 02/04/2024 19:24

They have been exceedingly rude. However the invitation was to you and your dp. I think you both go or neither of you go. You should have declined and and left it at that.

Why though? My husband has gone to a wedding where I didn’t as I was breastfeeding. I couldn’t go although I would have loved to but I was delighted he could as were the bride and groom? Similarly, I’ve gone to two weddings where he couldn’t get time off work… why would I miss out?!

NewName24 · 03/04/2024 00:37

Totally agree @Psychologymam

It's odd to think you can't go anywhere without your spouse.
Both dh and I have been to weddings without the other over the years.

UncleHerbie · 03/04/2024 04:39

Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 22:28

I don't think I'd be worried about being 2 hours away if my baby was with their grandparents but if you're not comfortable with it, that's up to you.

To be honest, if my 'friends' called me self-centered and entitled I think I'd tell them to stick their wedding up their arse! 😂

Same, with knobs, bells and whistles on! 😂

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 03/04/2024 06:14

Yanbu.
We had a very small wedding and a little reception. We didn't invite children but I was 24 when I got married so none of our friends circle had kids.
If you do child free weddings and your circle has kids, you know you're taking a risk that some may not be able to come.
And you absolutely don't be graceless about not being able to go - the Irish tradition anyway is that if you can't make it, you visit after and bring a gift but I definitely wouldn't even be doing that if they're being cheeky about it.

AppleTree16 · 03/04/2024 06:22

Psychologymam · 03/04/2024 00:31

To be fair lots of people won’t want to leave an 8 month old. They are very small, if breastfeeding it’s very tricky to leave and lots of people don’t have caregivers they can rely on.

Show quote history

I was going to say the same thing. We were in a similar scenario we our BF 8 month old, who’s sleep was horrendous. No way would I have been able to leave her with anyone for an extended stretch overnight. Even now at 20 months we still haven’t been able to do a proper evening as she wakes up and screams for me.

Swipe left for the next trending thread