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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being called self centred because I'm not going to the wedding

209 replies

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 14:44

A friend is getting married very soon, quite a short notice wedding, my baby will be 8 months. The venue is 2 hours away. They've put on the invitations no children at all. Fine, their choice.

We RSVPd to let them know that one of us would come but due to it being no children, we couldn't both come. They proceeded to call us self centred, entitled(?), bad friends. They feel we should get childcare and attend the wedding 2 hours away.
I've explained I am simply not comfortable leaving an 8 month old while I am so far away, and if they would desperately like both of us to attend then they will have to accommodate babies at the wedding, however we understand their choice and therefore only one of us will be going as it is no children. Wished them a nice day and so on.

Since then we have been receiving regular messages asking if we have changed our position and letting us know we are really letting them down.

....surely, SURELY WANBU?

OP posts:
YaMuvva · 02/04/2024 15:49

Fuck that OP. Neither of you go for these entitled arse holes. Save your money and get a takeaway instead.

Do you know what I find happens to these kinds of people? They go on to have a baby and behave like they’re the first people in the world to ever be parents and post on social media about how hard it is to be away from their kid with NO thought back on how they treated parent friends previously.

Notreat · 02/04/2024 15:52

I would say now that neither of you could attend.
A wedding isn't a summons it's an invitation and of course you can turn it down.
Besides who does she expect to look after your baby?

ErrolTheDragon · 02/04/2024 15:53

It’s up to them how they want their wedding but couples must understand that sometimes the consequence of their choices like child free or doing it abroad etc means that for whatever reason some people won’t be able to attend.

Quite so. We recently had our first invitation to a wedding overseas (the bride's home country, not some random expensive beach type thing) - it came with a nice note saying they hoped we could come but they'd understand if we couldn't and that they'd be having a celebration later in the U.K. which they hoped we'd be able to attend. Lovely.Smile

RitaIncognita · 02/04/2024 15:53

I agree with all the other posters. My niece had a child-free wedding, but she really wanted us to be there, including my daughter, so she said daughter could bring her baby. If these people really want you there OP, they should do what my niece did.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 02/04/2024 15:54

YANBU in the slightest.

They are perfectly entitled to a childfree wedding.

But they need to accept that a consequence of that is that some people wont be to or wont want to come.

mondaytosunday · 02/04/2024 15:55

With friends like that...

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 02/04/2024 15:56

Neither of you should go and stop being friends with these people. Anyone who insists that such a young baby should be separated from his parents is not only selfish but incredibly odd. Why would they want a baby to suffer? You’ve been more than reasonable offering for one of you to come but they clearly don’t care about anyone but themselves. I couldn’t be friends with people like this.

calligraphee · 02/04/2024 15:57

These people sound awful! I would take them off my mental 'friends' list for good.

NotMyDayJob · 02/04/2024 15:58

I would now not be going because they are so bloody rude. Tell your DH not to be so wet.

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 16:01

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace.

theeyeofdoe · 02/04/2024 16:08

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 02/04/2024 15:56

Neither of you should go and stop being friends with these people. Anyone who insists that such a young baby should be separated from his parents is not only selfish but incredibly odd. Why would they want a baby to suffer? You’ve been more than reasonable offering for one of you to come but they clearly don’t care about anyone but themselves. I couldn’t be friends with people like this.

Edited

I'd hate to attend a wedding with an 8mo. No fun for them or me.

However, you've clearly got no childcare and therefore one of you can't go.

CarrotCake01 · 02/04/2024 16:09

I'm surprised by a lot of these comments tbh. Usually on here, people are called 'precious' if they stay home and look after their child rather than get a babysitter 😉😂 but I don't think you're being unreasonable, no

KreedKafer · 02/04/2024 16:11

Your friends are a) awful and b) mad. Of course YANBU!!

Original poster
Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 16:12

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace

2 reasons really, we don't have any childcare for the day of the wedding because it is short notice and GPs are tied up. It's also a 4 hour round trip and I'd prefer not to be 2 hours away while we are away all day. Even if GPs were free, they wouldn't be comfortable with the distance (neither are we).

But regardless of that, plenty of people would just be flat out uncomfortable with it and couples shouldn't really need to explain themselves to this bride and groom.

OP posts:
Nkoku · 02/04/2024 16:14

Well, at least you found out that they’re not your friends, admittedly the hard way. Doesn’t sound much of a loss though. I don’t think either of you should go.

meganorks · 02/04/2024 16:15

Their response would put me off altogether, so I wouldn't be going regardless.

But did you try and figure out a way to go? Ie maybe taking baby and someone who can babysit with you? So you aren't 2 hours away from baby at all. Obviously no chance now, but it would have been nice if you could have tried.

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 16:16

Whatisgoingonheredear · 02/04/2024 16:12

I mean, I don't really get not leaving an 8 month old to be honest (unless there's no grandparents around of course), but I'm not you, and that's the decision you've made. They should respect that with grace

2 reasons really, we don't have any childcare for the day of the wedding because it is short notice and GPs are tied up. It's also a 4 hour round trip and I'd prefer not to be 2 hours away while we are away all day. Even if GPs were free, they wouldn't be comfortable with the distance (neither are we).

But regardless of that, plenty of people would just be flat out uncomfortable with it and couples shouldn't really need to explain themselves to this bride and groom.

No I agree, the polite declining of the invitation was all that was needed, and now they're revealing themselves to be dicks. It's a shame.

EmmaEmerald · 02/04/2024 16:18

I would bet money that they are saying this to anyone who doesn’t attend their wedding for any reason.

And they will have done that thing where they have blocked booked a hotel and they need X amount of guests to book accommodation in order to fund their wedding.

Obviously just ignore them.

EmmaEmerald · 02/04/2024 16:19

meganorks · 02/04/2024 16:15

Their response would put me off altogether, so I wouldn't be going regardless.

But did you try and figure out a way to go? Ie maybe taking baby and someone who can babysit with you? So you aren't 2 hours away from baby at all. Obviously no chance now, but it would have been nice if you could have tried.

How can anybody’s wedding be that important? If it was that important, it would be a person close enough to make it easier for you to go.

I once had a friend offered to pay my train fare for a wedding because I was unemployed at the time.

That’s a person who really wants you at their wedding.

And no, he didn’t have a big splashy show off wedding.

He had a sensible, affordable wedding with only close people invited.

Matildahoney · 02/04/2024 16:20

I'd respond that when they change their position on allowing children at the wedding, you'll change your position on attending.

meganorks · 02/04/2024 16:25

EmmaEmerald · 02/04/2024 16:19

How can anybody’s wedding be that important? If it was that important, it would be a person close enough to make it easier for you to go.

I once had a friend offered to pay my train fare for a wedding because I was unemployed at the time.

That’s a person who really wants you at their wedding.

And no, he didn’t have a big splashy show off wedding.

He had a sensible, affordable wedding with only close people invited.

Show quote history

I know most of mumsnet hate weddings, but everyone I know loves them and wants to do what they can to attend.

We had some close friends getting married when our DD was a similar age and we really wanted to go. Not just to celebrate our friends wedding, but also to catch up with other friends. We realised that it was only feasible if we took grandparents with us. So that's what we did.

TFMinx · 02/04/2024 16:27

EmmaEmerald · 02/04/2024 16:18

I would bet money that they are saying this to anyone who doesn’t attend their wedding for any reason.

And they will have done that thing where they have blocked booked a hotel and they need X amount of guests to book accommodation in order to fund their wedding.

Obviously just ignore them.

Absolutely this. I imagine more people than anticipated have declined their invite and so they're panicking. Neither of you should go now; they should have accepted your decline graciously and spat about it behind closed doors, if they wished.

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:30

Why not get childcare and go, you will probably have a lovely time, or just take the baby, they're hardly going to chuck you out

twoshedsjackson · 02/04/2024 16:31

I agree with @EmmaEmerald and others about needing the numbers to subsidize expenses; the fact that this invitation is at short notice might suggest that you were only ever on the reserve list.
They have 3 children of their own, so they should appreciate (three times over) the practicalities of life with an 8-month old.

RampantIvy · 02/04/2024 16:34

Allfur · 02/04/2024 16:30

Why not get childcare and go, you will probably have a lovely time, or just take the baby, they're hardly going to chuck you out

The OP has already explained why she can't get childcare.
And taking a baby when it isn't wanted is the height of rudeness.