To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

I don’t mind it and I hate phone calls.
But I can see why some people find it difficult to receive important news this way.

It is poor form, but if it's also upsetting for the sender it might be easier to send a text rather than making lots of phone calls. It's not what I'd do though

I can’t personally see why a phone call is less difficult.

The person giving the bad news is usually shocked themselves and acting on whatever gut instinct is appropriate to them at the time.

It depends is the answer for me.

It depends on the person giving and also the person to whom they are telling the bad news.

I would prefer to get a text because I can process it in my own head before phoning them. I have autism and I often struggle with reacting appropriately and I'd prefer to have some processing time first.

My child with autism would prefer the same.

For the reasons outlined in the OP. The recipient may not be in the position to receive bad news. At least with a phone call it could firstly be ascertained where they are and what they are doing.

If your MIL had rang your DH instead wouldn't he have answered anyway? And she would have blurted it out when he did

He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

But presumably he would have answered a call, so the outcome would have been the same?

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

They have the right to protect their own feelings.

Agree, my own mum texted me to say she had cancer. Personally I’d deliver that kind of news over the phone.

No he would not have answered. He would have called her back when we were out of the appointment. Which would have been vastly preferred.

Sure, at the expense of the recipients feelings. Precisely my point.

Would his mother telephoning him have put you in a better position?
I agree with pp. It is far harder for the person giving the news than the person receiving it.

The problem with a phone call is that you can hear the distress in a person's voice when you are asking them if its an appropriate time to discuss a distressing matter. Nope sorry can't see how a phone call helps with the timing.

The person who the bad news is happening to is the one who needs to decide how it’s delivered, not you.

it’s not ‘avoidant’

If he wouldn't have answered a call why did he feel the need to read a text message. One advantage of texts is that it can wait.

It’s not about the recipient.

After my son died I started calling people (before mobiles) and the selfishness displayed was sickening tbh.

When my daughter died I did message people, I couldn't say the words, I didn't want to deal with other people's emotions, it was selfish, and I didn't really care about anything other than making it through the next minute of my life.

Sometimes people need to be selfish and do things in the best way for them. It's not a crime.

How would I keep the distress out of my voice so as not to upset the person I'm calling if I'm calling to inform them of terrible bad news?

Theres no right ot wrong answer, people are different and that will lead to upsets like you've had but that's life unfortunatelr

This is patently untrue, this news directly affected my DH more than his mother. She was essentially just the messenger. I can see how this could be the case with bereavement for instance, but it is still insensitive to just send a text out of the blue IMO.

The person giving the bad news has every right to deliver that bad news in the way that works best for them.

Damn right I didn't want to be ringing loads of people individually to tell them bad news.

Maybe she should have texted first. ‘Hi darling, is it convenient for you to receive bad news or should I break it to you another time?’

YANBU, my Dad emailed me to tell me my Mum had died. I was in a swimming pool, watching my daughter have her swimming lesson.

One of the many things he has done over the years that I’ll never forgive him for.

There is no right or wrong for the person giving or receiving the news, you can 'yeah but what about this' all you want there is no clear cut answer