To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

I think weirdly there is also potential for a phone call to go wrong when you know your reaction to the news is much less strong/sad than the person you have to tell. Say your ex husband who was awful to you died and you have to tell your shared adult children. You may be feeling a mix of uncharitable emotions - including relief, and maybe a perverse sense of having won/karmic justice. And if you don’t think you can summon up the right tone to tell your children they’ve lost their beloved father, then maybe text is a better choice in that scenario?

Do you really lack the imagination so much that you can't tell the difference between your sarcastic version and something like:

"I need to talk to you urgently. Please can you let me know as soon as you get this when it's possible to have the conversation?"

If my dad rang me in the middle of the day and asked me where I was/what I was doing/could I talk I'd KNOW something was wrong immediately , and be jumping to the worst case of my mum or sibling being dead while trying to answer him.
Now if it was one of those things I wouldnt want a text telling me either but you say it was nt a bereavement, a text asking me to ring me ASAP would still send my mind racing though not immediately to such dire things and give me time to get myself somewhere appropriate to ring. I can understand though if he was ringing me to tell me my friend had been in a car accident - the only scenario I can think of that runs along lines of yours - why he d wanted me to know the details ASAP before I see it on FB but knowing the times I can access my phone in the work day change could decide to text me.
A lot depends I think on did your MIL know about the appointment and it's time. If yes then ya she could have waited til it was over, but equally maybe that's why she text, knowing he couldn't have answered in a waiting room but wanting him to know whatever asap.

Thank you, some good sense here.

It looks like this situation for OP is a very particular situation. Without knowing what it is, it’s hard for people to say whether texting is particularly bad in this instance.

As pp’s have said - sometimes texting is better for all concerned, sometimes a phone call.

My mum was waiting to go into a medical appointment to find out the status of her cancer when she received a text from a relative telling her that another relative had hung themselves. My poor mum was so upset she couldn't take in anything during the appointment. I do think it's wrong to give really shocking and upsetting news via yext especially as you don't know what they might be doing or situation they might be in at the time.

I think it is too and knowing the specific situation could change responses perhaps. Responses have been interesting nonetheless and have shown there’s nuance to these things.

I think it's awful although if it is the person the bad news has happened to eg the person having cancer, I can get that maybe it's the easiest way. Send the text as opposed to having to face the conversation with people because it's such a huge thing. I wouldn't though.

It’s generational, I think.

We once had a big argument with the in-laws about not calling someone once an aunt had died. My DH sent a text instead. The in-laws went mad and said it deserved a phone call, we were rude, we’d showed them up. Later; the affected party said they’d preferred the text.

It sounds like in your case, your DH would have preferred a call - although I think it’d be a very limited number of people who would be on their phone, receive a call, answer it and not want the news. The vast majority of people would not want to spend the appointment worrying about what the news could be.

The issue here isn’t that your MIL text the news, it’s that she sent it immediately before an appointment that she knew about. Whether that is a big issue probably depends on the news itself, whether the scale of it meant she wanted to tell your DH as soon as possible and therefore had forgotten the appointment, how important the appointment actually is, and if she’s got history for “overtaking” special moments.

As it is, though, lots of people prefer getting texts over calls with bad news, for a multitude of reasons; including being able to read, process and respond to it in their own time.

I’m sorry about the bad news. I hope both your DH and your baby are okay.

I prefer to receive text messages if I think about it. When a friend called me to tell me our mutual friend had passed away I immediately knew something was wrong because she was phoning, and so received that news at the start of my shift.
A message allows me to gather my thoughts, have my own reaction and think about what questions I have.

I agree with this.

Getting a text isn't ideal, but often the fact someone is phoning and asking where you are and if it's ok to talk, along with the tone of voice tells the person it's something bad.

My mum does this - but by the fact she is calling me when she wouldn't normally sling with her tone of voice tells me that it's something bad. And her saying oh just call me when you get a chance doesn't help as my mind then goes off on to what the need can possibly be.

There really isn't an ideal way to break bad news. It can be specific to circumstances and the people involved, as this thread shows.

OP said that the caller could ascertain whether they (the person getting the call) were then in a position to hear the news.
But then they'd be anxious and upset anyway knowing that bad news was coming, but not knowing what that news was, or how bad.

I don't think it matters how the news is communicated- it'd still be bad news. What may be easier for one person might not be for another.

daisychain01 · Today 10:16

Do you really lack the imagination so much that you can't tell the difference between your sarcastic version and something like:

"I need to talk to you urgently. Please can you let me know as soon as you get this when it's possible to have the conversation?"

If I recieved a message like this, I wouldnt be able to concentrate on whatever I was doing and want ro ring asap anyway as my mind would be in overdrive. So for example in the OP'S situation, I would have not been in a better position than aleady being told the news via text as I'd be panicking and wanting to make that call, rather than focus on the childs medical appointment.

@Ivorymoon be prepared for all the obtuse posts that seemingly want to twist your words. I totally get your point,

there absolutely is an etiquette around the delivery of bad news. When I've had to break the news or receive news of a death to a member of the family or a diagnosis, it has always been by phone (if distance is a barrier) or in person,

for something catastrophic such as a sudden death, I've had to drive 150 miles to the family member's house to deliver the message in person, because I was so worried about their ability to cope with the news.

how such a message is delivered, whether life-changing or just shocking eg mass redundancy, stays with the recipient forever, so doing it in the right way is worth taking the effort to consider carefully.

You're not asking how people do it generally as there's no such thing as a general way to deliver bad news.

You're sticking to your view that text is wrong and you're perfectly entitled to hold that view but you need to accept that not everyone agrees with you

I prefer bad news by text so I can process the information.

IMO text is a very functional form of communication to tell someone there's a crash on the motorway and to expect a delay. Or to say we've run out of bread and can you pick some up in the way home.

Opening a text to find out about something lifechanging is poor form and lacks social skills and empathy.

This whole thread is completely pointless if you don’t actually tell us what the bad news was seeing as it’s so “niche”

I completely agree OP!!

My mum has form for this. Sending shocking news via text in the middle of the day with no regard to what I'm doing or where I might be. I.e, I might not be somewhere I can compose myself, or might be going into an important client meeting etc. It's truly awful and poor form.

The first time she did it, I was at uni, about to go into an exam, and told me a family member had been arrested. She just blurted it all out in a random lengthy text out of the blue. Who on earth does that? It was all I could think/worry about.

I would think a text of 'Hi, can you call me later, need to talk when you get chance' is better. Or if they DO really want to text, then delaying it until evening would be best, presumably when you're likely to be at home for example.

I'm autistic. So I do lack social skills. Not lacking empathy though (and I wish that trope would go away).

I can't tell people bad news. My throat closes and I can't get the words out. I remember having to tell people weeks and weeks later that my mum was dead. Even years later - I can't do it.

I can't imagine what terrible life changing bad news I'd be telling my child that wouldn't affect me in a big way either.

Much prefer text.

Phone calls can be awkward for both parties- I never know how to respond to bad news and so texts give me more of a chance to respond in the best possible way.

But that would so obviously be a precursor to bad news that's it's as bad as getting a text with the bad news in it!

I would find having to miss a phone call stressful - I’d rather just get a text.

I would find this far more stressful, the suspense would make things worse. I’d rather just know.

Next time put your phones on airplane if you don’t want any texts while waiting for an appointment

There is no good way to get bad news.