To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

I’ve read all your comments OP but I’m still of the opinion I’d generally rather get a message.

With phone calls I’d just be worrying myself sick til I could ring the person back - especially if they rang at an unusual time.

The thing is though, without having some idea of what the news was it’s impossible to be accurate, or to determine if you’re being fair.

The news was bad enough to warrant your DH going off to cry in the hospital toilets but also, didn’t really have any impact on your MIL so no need to consider her feelings/preferences? I appreciate you don’t want to provide any detail but it’s hard to imagine what type of news would genuinely fall into this very specific category.

Edited for typo 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think you're more miffed that your DH was then upset and distracted for your baby's apppointment, rather than him getting bad news and being upset by it.

Depends on the news.
Did she know you were going for a baby appt?
Did she know the news would be particularly upsetting?
Was he expecting said bad news anyway?
It's hard to answer your post without a bit more info really.
But going on your OP I think a text is reasonable

I have answered all these questions. RTFT.

Text allow people to react privately instead of being forced to act for others.

She probably texted because even though she is just the messenger, she would somehow end up being blamed for the bad news. And from this post, it looks like she is being blamed but from her viewpoint. by sending a text she's at least avoided having to listen to it.

This is literally nonsense.

Maybe she didn't think it would upset DH that much? It doesn't sound as though it was something pertaining to a family member and generally a spouse or family member of the person it involved would tell DH directly if they were close? I didn't DP's friends parents when he died, I told them directly. Maybe she didn't think the relationship was that strong to warrant a call?

"Just" over

It's split for the multitude of reasons posted and on something as emotive as this unless you're getting 80%+ you can't claim a majority as lived experience counts for a lot.

Good god, you're unpleasant.
I think, after 47 posts telling everyone they are wrong and you are not, and not to post if they don't agree with you, maybe it's time YOU stopped replying and supported your husband with this mysterious bad news that YOU don't actually care about (evidently) other than it clearly took your husband's attention away from you and the baby.
JFC.

This is absolutely it. 100%.

When my sister died in an accident, the police came in the middle of the night to tell us - mum, dad, other sister and me. We sat up until it was morning then we got in the car and drove to go and break the news to both Grandmothers who lived alone. My mum felt strongly that we had to tell them in person, not over the phone. It depends on the situation but I would never break bad news like that in a text! I think a phone call would be better if you can't tell them in person.

Yawn.

Yes, I think OP's annoyed for herself that her DH wasn't fully switched on for the appt, when it is often only one parent who attends children's appointments anyway...

Could it not just be that she just found out herself and wanted to quickly pass on to him in case he heard from someone else. As it was such a good friend and she heard first 🙄

Yes a phone call is definitely better, but the worst I had was an email saying "X has died, sorry for telling you by email, I wanted to call but haven't got round to it".

Are you ok? If someone rings and asks if you can talk you’re immediately going to ask why. The upheaval has begun.

i don’t know what else i (or others) can do to help your complete inability to see that there is no way of delivering bad news in a way where you won’t be affected. He saw the message because he checked his phone. Arguably if you’re busy you’re less likely to read a message than you are to not answer a phone call.

I informed some of my family of my cancer and the need for life-changing surgery via text. I didn’t have it in me to have to tell multiple people over the phone the same news. I think that’s my prerogative when it’s my news.

If my DH had got life changing news on the same day as my child was in hospital for an appointment the last thing I would be doing is posting passive aggressive posts on MN

Quite. OP is clearly off on one.

Absolutely! Getting brutal news is brutal, regardless of how its delivered.

Hope you are doing OK?

I totally get it can be easier for the sender to tell by text. They can take time to carefully choose their words. Copy the same text to multiple people. And not have to deal with the emotional fall out from the recipient.

Although if sending a brutal message by text I'd try to avoid a time when someone is likely to be driving. Just the same as I'd avoid calling when someone is likely to be travelling, to / from work or on the school run.
But then life isn't always that simple.

You are coming across really badly. You are being rude to anyone who disagrees with you, before we even consider that you seem to think your baby is more important than anything or anyone else.

You come across as vile.

But in circumstances where you wouldn't answer your phone (eg just before an appointment) surely you wouldn't look at text messages either??

Did you make this thread purely to have an argument with each and every responder or what?