To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

How can you say she isn't affected by having to deliver terrible bad news that came at the worst possible time for your husband (according to your op)? Of course she's going to be affected if she's delivering news of that magnitude.

I prefer a text to an awkward phone call.

Also just to add, just because the news doesn't affect her, doesn't mean it won't upset her.

When my nan died, my dad had to tell me and my brother. He was upset, of course, but he's very good at keeping his feelings internal. He got choked up and cried because he was having to deliver earth shattering news to his children, and he hated that.

It's very possible his mother also felt that way

When my dad died, I or my mum phoned people who had been close to him or told them in person. For everyone else (and after we had told close family and friends) I put a post on Facebook.

I assume you are more worried by how this affects you more than anything but it is between him and his mother

And you are talking in code

Obviously. But the news directly impacted him so he needed more consideration.

My mum does the same. Either a text or email. But phones us for completely trivial stuff.

How? Please can you explain because I really don't get it.

My brother told me, by text, that his daughter has got a brain tumour. He followed that up, a few days later, with a text saying it's cancer. I find it quite odd, but then he IS odd.

I prefer text. It gives me time to process the news and get my thoughts together before speaking.

A text is giving him space and consideration to process the news.

Are you for real?

You can't imagine why your brother might struggle to get the words out that his child has a brain tumour and then it has been confirmed as cancer?

My DH's step mother sent a message on the family group chat to say his Dad had died. It was expected, but a shock how quick it happened - and how she worded it / did it !

When I was 21 and having to call all the family and friends to tell them my mum had killed herself I really wished I could have done it by text.

I didn't because like you say it's not the kind of news to deliver by txt but saying those words over and over and over again nearly broke me.

What would have people do, make some kind of contact to say they have bad news and how would the recipient like it to be delivered?

you aren't thinking about this sensibly

I’d actually prefer a text to a phone call. Perhaps it was easier for his mum to text as she was upset?

Our dog died last year and we were both so devastated that we couldn’t speak about it without sobbing, so we sent our kids (at uni) a text on the family WhatsApp.

When my dad died, I emailed the news to some of his family. This was easier for me as I don’t really know them or have a relationship with them.

You're so right, you should absolutely have been the main consideration there 🤔

I am so sorry.

It did not. It just provided more questions.

I’d probably prefer a text on balance.

Mainly because IME the people who deliver bad news to me wouldn’t ever call unless it was bad news, so I’d drop everything to answer the phone already KNOWING bad news was coming. I’d much prefer a text as that’s a more normal form of communication in my life, and would give me time to digest properly before replying.

Probably not for things as serious as a close death though.

Talk about making something all about you!

I very much am. It’s simple, just a phone call to ascertain at least where the person is before relaying bad news. Not sure how you find that so complex.

His child has cancer and you find it odd that he didn't tell you in person do you not think he had enough to deal with?

I had a good friend tell me they had cancer over messanger for weeks we communicated like that because she didn't have the emotional energy to talk to me.

@Ivorymoon do you care about your husband? Or is it just the fact that the news came at an inconvenient time to you?