To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

The bad news directly impacted my DH not his mother. It is avoidant.

When I had to deliver bad news about someone to multiple recipients, I sent a voice note. This is very unusual for me so I imagine people would have been expecting something a bit more significant than ‘Are we meeting at 7pm or 7.30 tonight?’. It allowed me to deliver the (not wholly unexpected) news ‘in person’ rather than the coldness of text but without me needing to speak to 10+ people about the same sad event.

I think people are presuming it was something "serious like bereavement" given your reaction.

I am so sorry.

Evidently not but it should have been.

I think his mum had the right to pass on bad news in the way it would help her I'm assuming the bad news also affects her, I've had things texted to me that was sad and shocking but the senders feelings imo are more important because something it's just too hard to get the words out!

So if it wasn't a bereavement or cancer, what was it?

Having to give bad news is always difficult whether it’s by phoning or texting and his mum may have sent the same text to several people at the same time rather than phoning each and everyone to say the same thing over and over again.

It definitely depends on the person you are talking and the news you are giving. It's far too variable for a simple answer.

I have already spoken to my adult DC about how things should be delivered to them, particularly if they are at work and both have said they would rather a text first to let them know it's important and they need to call me.

I had to tell some people that my husband died and I did it via text. I didn’t have the capacity to phone people repeatedly nor did I have the capability to even think about how the news might land. I was still in shock at the time.

Text is normally easier all around. The sender doesn’t need to remain strong or composed, the receiver can mull over before responding.

I mean it might have had some impact on his mum if she had to deliver the news she's a human being.

Pretty selfish attitude, don't you think?

I think it's fine to do this. Not everyone likes to make phone call.

That makes sense in your situation. Sorry for your losses, that sounds impossibly hard.

This situation is different in that my DH was directly affected by the news in the way his mother would not have been. I guess it is all very situation specific.

Sometimes people have to give bad news. Sometimes you just have to get on with it.

I think we need to know more about the news to comment on whether it was appropriate or not.

My family does this all the time. I guess people see text as equivalent to phone these days.

I agree

I texted people when my mum died. Because I couldn't speak without choking up.

I even texted my adult children. Because it was the middle of the night and I didn't want to wake them.

This bad news only affected my DH so there would be no other calls. I guess it’s very situation specific but I’m surprised how many people think it’s fine to drop bad news over text.

YABU but you're going to sit and argue until you're blue in the face.

That's his mother. Who had to tell him upsetting news. No doubt that was hard for her. It's not about you, or your child. It's about your husband and his mum. Instead of being angry at your mother in law, support your husband.

Well you are not going to share what the news was that had zero impact on your husbands mother, so posters are just going to assume she is also affected.

So he would have ignored his mothers call?
What time was the text?
Often, people getting a call from someone at an unusual time means there is some type of news
I'm not for texts but IMO, DM may have been very upset and as others said, just blurted it out

Wishing your DC good health!

Trying to ponder what news mil could possibly have that would only affect him not her but she would be the one to need to give frankly.

If someone’s died that dh needs telling about via mil it’s someone she knows too. Same as a hereditary medical condition her or someone she loves must be affected.