To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

If I had cancer I would not be overly bothered about how the other people I am informing are feeling because I would be focusing on myself.

I think you are a bit unreasonable to expect someone with serious bad news who needs to share it with you to prioritise your feelings over theirs.

So they don’t interrupt your baby’s health appointment, you mean?

She was not telling multiple people. Just my DH. Maybe this situation is so specific that it needs special consideration, but I didn’t think that when I was writing the OP.

This.

If I had to deliver life changing bad news to one of my children, I would be affected.

Unless you share how on earth this piece of news can only affect your husband, and not his mother, or anyone else in his family, you're going to be out of luck I'm afraid.

Please explain how it’s selfish to want my DH to have received shocking news in a more sensitive way.

Do you think you might be misplacing some of your anger here OP?
I’m sorry about your husband’s bad news and for the unfortunate timing.
As you can see from the thread, there really isn’t any consensus on the best way to deliver bad news. You are making your MIL the focus of your upset over a very minor error or difference in opinion (text vs call). The magnitude of the news itself and possibly the stress of your child’s hospital appointment far outstrip the emotional reaction I would expect you to feel towards your MIL for not communicating bad news exactly as you would have chosen to.

Me and OP are obviously in the minority. I don't think it's appropriate to text bad news, unless people were expecting it (ie I will text you the outcome). I think posting on FB is marginally better as you look at it at your convenience. Having said that, a FB friend has just posted that her dad has died, some people are commenting on the photo missing the few words saying he's dead.

Yes my Dad texted to say my Nan had died (maternal- my mother had already died). It felt so cold and like my sister and I didn't matter or need a call. Apparently he was in a hurry that morning to meet other relatives (not related to Nan). I haven't told him how upsetting it was, but I'm still angry about it.

I prefer to read information by text but as we see by the vast majority of threads on MN like this one, pertinent information or context is frequently left out from the initial message and tone is often not conveyed well, or the message not well articulated.

Therefore I agree, most people are not equipped to sensitively convey difficult news by text and phone would be more appropriate for them.

Posting bad news on FB is better than texting?!

Jesus Christ.

I feel a phone call is the same - even if you are ringing to ascertain if its a good time to take the call, you know instantly that something is wrong e.g. by the tone, the question itself or by the fact that the person has phoned you in the first place so you still take the call anyway.

I had a text from my biological "father" informing me that my sister had taken her life. It read "Your sister has taken her life, tell your brother. Wayne Evans". I can tell you for a fact that it didnt bother him in the slightest and it was not worse for him.

I honestly couldn't get worked up about this. It is the bad news that is upsetting, not how it was communicated.

I would prefer a written message personally.

Look, your baby is a baby. So you don't think that it's the same when your baby is a grown up. Look at your little baby. And imagine having to tell them what your MIL had to tell your husband. And keep it together. And not fall apart.

I had to tell my grown up kids their grandmother died at 4.30 in the morning. I didn't phone them, because they have jobs and lives and kids and partners, and I didn't want to waken them all. I texted so that they could sleep, and see the text in the morning, process their shock and upset and call me when they were ready to.

If that isn't consideration for my children, please do tell me what else I should have done. Thanks.

You’ve clearly misunderstood the OP. The point of my post is not to show my care for the news by DH received, but the way it was delivered. I’m asking a question about how people deliver bad news in general. Obviously.

Exactly. I'd really have to pluck up the courage to do that.

I'm really struggling to think of a scenario where I have news to pass on that would be devastating for my adult children, but that wouldn't bother me. What on earth could it be? It can't be medical or a death in the family. Inheritance maybe, but then I wouldn't think a text was inappropriate for that sort of info.

YNBU

I'm sorry your husband got bad news, I hope you're all ok?

My and my brother were on my way to say goodbye to our sister who was dying, and my aunt (who wasn't even with my sister) told me that my sister had passed over a text message. I've never spoken to her about it, but I don't honestly think I'll ever forgive her for it. It wasn't her place to tell me, but, even so, over text was just inconsiderate.

@Ivorymoon and then your responses have exposed you.

Refusing to answer the multiple questions about the subject of the bad news, maybe because you know this makes you look bad? Refusing to acknowledge that it would have been hard for his mum to tell the bad news.

I take back what I just said. That is a horrible way to deliver such awful news.

I think yabu. You have been given many examples on this thread as to why it may be best for them to deliver bad news via text rather than phonecall and some people have also admitted they would rather receive text rather than phone call.

Its very personal and there is no right or wrong, it is person specific.

In all honesty, it sounds like you dont like your mother in law and you are minimizing the impact this news, and having to retell this news may have on her.

My Dad has twice phoned me to deliver the most horrible, heartbreaking news. Ditto my sil. If either of them were to phone me, I would assume bad news.

Not sure what the correct way is as surely everyone is different and nothing changes the news. My memory attaches the sadness to the mode of delivery.

No anger though.

Sometimes it's too hard to get the words out without breaking down. There's never an easy way to deliver bad news.

I am sorry your DH had bad news and I hope your baby is okay.

If it was something that would impact your DH a lot an your MIL barely at all, so something like telling him that she had seen news that his employer was making mass redundancies or something then yes, a text doesn't feel the kindest way to deliver that, especially if she knew about your little one's appointment.

Thank you! Yes she did know about the appointment.